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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Why can't I do what's best for me?

23 replies

Gentlesoul101 · 30/12/2016 10:25

My husband announced two years ago he wanted a 'break' I was devastated and believed that another woman was involved, although had no real proof and he denied it.After several months apart we seemed to work things out but I feel that's because I constantly compromise. However, every few months he will announce that unless I don't sort myself out the marriage is over. By sorting myself out he means losing weight. He said he is embarrassed to be seen with me be because I'm so fat so we never go out and we no longer have sex. A few weeks ago he came home drunk at 6 in the morning and starting shouting that our marriage is over, that I'm a nasty person and he is sick of me 'keeping tabs on him' . I left and stayed with a friend. He begged me to come back. I did but when I suggested we go on holidays or do things together he refuses, although he is planning a month long holiday for himself ! He text last night to say he was going for drinks; I left to stay at a friends as I could not cope its him coming home drunk and shouting again.He got home early and is now angry that I left and I've not heard from him since.
Intellectually I know this is not a healthy relationship, but I'm 42 with no kids and think if I leave I'll have nothing.
How do I get myself out of this mess? Thank you

OP posts:

Ilovecaindingle · 30/12/2016 10:27

Get your self a dog. .

Loyal, trustworthy, loving and decent.

He is none of the above so ditch him for good asap.

category12 · 30/12/2016 10:31

You have nothing now, but someone who is nasty to you and makes you feel worthless.

You could be happy.

Move out, find yourself a lawyer, start a divorce. Start a new happier life. You have friends, whatever assets of the marriage there are you will get some of, and if there aren't any, well, at least you'll be free.

Littlejayx · 30/12/2016 10:38

You only have one life.

Do you want this to be spent with someone who treats you like this?

There is always someone who would treat you better.
Please don't spend your life feeling like this, Make your own happiness.

peppatax · 30/12/2016 10:41

Leave! You won't leave with nothing, you'll leave with everything. Dignity, self esteem, freedom, independence... I could go on!

hellsbellsmelons · 30/12/2016 10:43

You may have nothing but look at what you have now!
I think you'll find yourself in a much better frame of mind to lose weight for YOURSELF once you've ditched this nasty bully.
I'm horrified you have made it to 42 and are still prepared to put up with shite like this.
Get out get out get out.
Lose yourself 12 stone rapidly by getting rid of this dead-weight of a husband.

AnyFucker · 30/12/2016 10:43

If you leave you will have your dignity

That is priceless

Original poster

Gentlesoul101 · 30/12/2016 11:12

Thank you for your perspective on things. I'm an in tears reading your replies; knowing that you are all right. I'm sad for my self that I've allowed this to go on for so long and that I keep being optimistic that things will change, I now know they won't.

OP posts:

category12 · 30/12/2016 11:32

You've had at least two years of being treated appallingly. Make 2017 your year to make your life happy and your own.

jeaux90 · 30/12/2016 11:56

Chin up. You have way more dignity that this. Go life your life, divorce his nasty arse.

You are 42 and can be independant, life your life and be happy. That is everything. Nothing is what you have right now.

Prawnofthepatriarchy · 30/12/2016 12:06

Yes, I agree with all the PP but with one caveat. Before you find a solicitor, sit your DH down and calmly tell him what you've told us. Then explain that he can either acknowledge that there are huge problems in your marriage and agree to work on them or, sadly, he has to accept that you are ending it. Give him one more chance, is what I'm saying. Because if he refuses to make that effort you will know that in the future you have nothing to regret, that ending this miserable marriage was as much his decision as yours.

Sadly, from what you're saying, it doesn't sound as if he will make the effort. But at least you will have been generous and open about where you stand.

Original poster

Gentlesoul101 · 30/12/2016 19:29

Thank you for the advice. Much appreciated.

OP posts:

tinglyfing · 30/12/2016 19:38

He sounds a treat!!

Leave.

Original poster

Gentlesoul101 · 04/01/2017 13:53

I have really thought about what everyone says and have left my husband. I'm now regretting as I feel it was the only chance I had to have children. I keep thinking that if I stayed things would have got better. How do I cope with the end of my marriage and knowing I will probably never have a child?

OP posts:

hellsbellsmelons · 04/01/2017 13:57

I keep being optimistic that things will change, I now know they won't
YOU wrote this.
Read and re-read.
Did you really want to a bring a child into this?
To inflict an awful dad like that on a child?

Be optimistic now that things WILL change.
For YOU!!!
You can have a life without someone making you feel like shit all the time.
Putting you down all the time.

You have a done a great thing here, for YOU!
Now it's time to get your life back on track.

Do you have any savings?

Angrybird123 · 04/01/2017 17:26

Please please see this as a positive step. Consider the alternative - you had or have a child with him and then be forever tied / connected in some way. He sounds awful...not just a bit rubbish or boring or something. There are many women out there who choose to have children alone or start to look at their child free life as a positive. You can do this..don't give up.

LionelRitchieAndTheWardrobe · 04/01/2017 17:56

Anything's better than living with him, child or no, surely? You wouldn't want to inflict him on a child?

It may not be too late, a friend of mine is pregnant via IVF at 47 - although that's pretty rare. And you could always consider adoption.

Adora10 · 04/01/2017 18:02

Now come on, you know you are better off without him, he brings you nothing but misery upon misery - and then you make yourself miserable because YOU know you should not be accepting this as a relationship, because it isn't OP, it's fifty shades of warped and all wrong and we all know the difference between right and wrong, even if we love that person.

I think if you carry on with this horrible existence you are hurting yourself more and more, the man is a beast, he has no intentions or consideration for you whatsoever, I think he probably keeps you there out of convenience, especially if you are cooking and cleaning, meantime, he's out and about picking up whoever he fancies, doing whatever he fancies and you think you can't get better than that, really????????????????????

Adora10 · 04/01/2017 18:04

Just saw your update, delighted you have made that break.

You are 42, perhaps not too late, what about fostering or adoption?

Dragongirl10 · 04/01/2017 18:24

Sorry it feels so tough, but you have done the right thing he was horrible, and it was not going to get better.

As to children, if thats what you really want then can you adopt? If you have support from family and friends it could be your answer....you can do it single if you are working.

Please let go of the idea you could have had a family with your ex DH, sadly that dream was never going to happen.

Look forward to what you CAN do...and good luck it will get better.

Kittencatkins123 · 04/01/2017 22:53

I'm not much younger than you and have had to accept that kids might not be on the cards for me. But I never wanted to have them with the wrong person so I just think that's how things go. I've recently met someone lovely so I just think if it happens it happens (and it could still happen for me and for you).
You sound massively well rid of this man and are now free to focus on yourself and your happiness. Spend some time on that, feel well, find things that make you happy, build your confidence back up and you'll be in a great place to meet someone who loves and cherishes you. I'm excited for your future!

anxiousnow · 05/01/2017 00:37

Well done finding the strength to leave OP. One of my friends is 44 and pregnant naturally with her first child. Please don't think leaving has completely closed that door. Having a baby with him would have been an awful idea. You could literally pick up a guy next week and have some baby and be happier. I am not for one minute suggesting that, I am just saying, you're reason for staying can't be sperm. It was attached to a horrible man. You deserve to be happy and loved and treated with respect. You have taken the bravest step towards this!

Cricrichan · 05/01/2017 00:44

Hi op. Have you considered having a baby with a sperm donor? That way you get to have a child without having to deal with your idiot ex.

Hermonie2016 · 05/01/2017 00:51

You are now having regrets most likely cause by fear. Fear of the future is natural but you must trust that it WILL be better than what you have today.Please believe that.

You know you could not have brought a child into this marriage, imagine the fear, uncertainty, doubt you would have with a small child.You would be trapped, despartely trying to protect a child from hearing you being abused.You cope to day by leaving when you know he will be drunk, its not so easy when you have a baby to leave.

You deserve better and the only way to get better is to leave.
You feel doubt because he has destroyed your confidence.Keep going forwards, don't give up leaving him.

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