If you'd been called an incompetent bum by your husband, and your friends and family (presumably, my support system in any case) referred to as shitbags, would you be hurt

[scaredoffallout]

and are these "normal" things to say to a partner?

There is a massive backstory but I am too tired to type it all now, I will do it in the morning. Anyone who happens to be up and who feels like typing their immediate thoughts is most welcome to though .

Yes , the person that is meant to love you most and have your back isn't supposed to put the boot in and make you feel shit. And if u have made some kind of mistake a nice person would try to be constructive and honest helpful even if they love you , not meant and putting you down and insulting to ur family

Definitely not. Sounds very toxic.

I'd recommend you check out Susan Forward's excellent "Toxic Parents" book, you'll likely find it makes sense, especially as there's a backstory.

It would be worth you posting in the Stately Homes thread (relationships) too, there are many there who have been/are going through hurtful, toxic family situations.

Thank you. Yes I agree that someone who has your back would be kind, and if I had made a mistake, would be constructive in their criticism. I hadn't thought of that last bit, that I don't have to be perfect to not deserve to be spoken in that way.

It was my husband who said those things to me cinammon, but the way he relates to me is pretty toxic I feel.

Thank you both for your messages.

to be spoken to

A decent partner or even a friend helps to make you stronger and more self-confident. And yes, if they have a criticism it is constructive.