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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

serious marriage issues

36 replies

Imi22sleeping · 29/12/2016 16:39

Hi everyone this is a long one but i need someone to tell me what tthey think.....
we met 11 years ago he was my boss with a gf after a few months we fell in loveots of hurt later we ran away to contunie our relationship
got married in 2012 Had baby in 2013 never had a good sex life but its been dead since baby was born. I devloped pnd due to baby been a bad at sleeping even now aged 3 . I became paraniod and kept thinking he was emtionally abusingme It affected my husband and he disnt cope well with it although wascaring. At start of 2015 he decided to lose weight he lost 10stone in 13months and developed an eating disorder he will not get help and i asked his family who told me they werent qualifed to help and i asked his work for help they screwed he over and told him. he is in a really bád way he takes in all out on me we have been through it we argue every day and when he talks about food i get so angry. He has to be in charge of the food he likes to feed me and child all the time .evry foof converstqion desents into chaos He goes out exceriaing every morning so i wake up alone every day he can be really nasty his moods are dreadful. but so can i he said i dont support him but he wont go for help i work from home so do the childcare but he treatens that if i left hed get my daughter. We are moving to a village in the new year and im so scared . He wants to be with us allbthe time and it does my head ineven our little duaghter gets upset when we shout he used to be my life but hes changed so much. I went to town ealier i said id be an hour and when i got back he said you said youd be 30mins he knew i had loads to do this morning i said do u want anything to eat or drink he said no and then said did make youself a tea but his brain is always somewhere else. Im so sad does anyone have any ideas is he being ea? Am i?

OP posts:

hellsbellsmelons · 30/12/2016 10:45

So what next for you then?
Can you sit down and plan out what you want to happen next.
Realistically of course.
Not fantasy stuff like... He will magically change and be nice.
That will NOT happen.
So plan what is going to be best for YOU and your dd.
What will be a healthy environment for her to grow up in, etc....

Original poster

Imi22sleeping · 30/12/2016 10:47

Do people not recover from eating disorders then?

OP posts:

DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 30/12/2016 10:58

Have you told him what you told us at 10:38? You can love him but not like his behaviour, yes people can recover from eating disorders but it starts with him.

Just my opinion it's hardly bailing out for flimsy reasons if you no longer communicate properly with each other and can't tolerate what's going on.

Original poster

Imi22sleeping · 30/12/2016 11:34

Im starting to think your right. Its time to go but we have a mortage and everythong aorted for our new house. Do i juat go in the morning when hes out or do i tell him

OP posts:

hellsbellsmelons · 30/12/2016 11:36

I'd probably go and then tell him.
Just that you need a bit of space for now.
I don't believe it's just 'getting over an eating disorder'
He's not a nice person now.
And with no will to change, he's never going to be a nice person.

Original poster

Imi22sleeping · 30/12/2016 12:01

Thats sad its clealry come across as that. Hes pretty nice 80% of the time
Im sad to see that if you have a problem u have to be ditched i was a monster during my pnd i said and did awful things ans he stuck by me.

OP posts:

RiceCrispieTreats · 30/12/2016 12:58

People whose behaviour is problematic and causes you suffering need to be ditched if they refuse to acknowledge the problem, take responsibility for it, and seek help.

Bluntness100 · 30/12/2016 13:03

I think you need to sit down and talk to him, don't just leave and take your daughter without telling him, that's awful and would be so worrying for anyone.

Sit him down and tell him you think he is not well and you are going to stay at your parents for awhile whilst he sorts himself out. That you will keep the lines of communication open and that you'd like him to seek help for his eating disorder. Maybe have your daughter at your parents when you do it, them you come back alone and talk to him.

Original poster

Imi22sleeping · 30/12/2016 14:04

Tha ks everyone. He knows he has a problem but wants to sort it himself. Im going to work out what to do this weekend. Im done for now yhanka for all yhe advice

OP posts:

springydaffs · 02/01/2017 11:43

You stayed to help him? You can't help him! Only he can do that.

Listen. This is an addiction. No different to eg booze. If he was a drinker, a heroin addict, a sex or shopping addict, would you stay to 'help'? Yes he helped and supported you when you were mentally ill with PND. But that is different to an addiction, a different ballgame. There is NOTHING you can do to 'help' an addict. All, any and every 'help' enables the addiction.

Take a look at Food Addicts Anonymous. This won't get better, it will get worse. Addiction is a progressive illness.

springydaffs · 02/01/2017 11:47

Progressive illness that 12-step recovery effectively addresses, arrests, halts - as long as the addict engages with it and works it.

I am part of this fellowship fyi. I know what eating disorders are about. There is precisely zero you can do about it - only he, the addict, can do something about it.

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