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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Anybody else totally totally alone?

22 replies

Bilboba · 29/12/2016 07:35

Is there anyone else out there who has absolutely no one - no family, nothing? I'm finding it really tough. I haven't met another person like myself with no partner, no siblings, no aunts or uncles, no cousins, no parents, nothing. It's very, very hard. I have friends yes but they have busy lives, I have hobbies (to meet others) but they only last a few hours. Living without any family at all is very very painful and yet I have so many years yet to go. All of you with sisters/mums/cousins, you don't know how lucky you are.

OP posts:

IMurderedStampyLongnose · 29/12/2016 07:46

Hi op.Sorry I can't really help but didn't want your post to go unanswered.It sounds very lonely for youWould you like to describe your circumstances to see if anyone can come along with any ideas on how to maybe change things.Sorry if that's not what you're looking for

Pavonia · 29/12/2016 07:47

That's me. I have my children though.

To be honest, when my mum was alive we didn't have a great relationship and she was no practical or emotional support. As an only child raised by a single mother I do envy those from bigger families sometimes, but I realise that they don't always have it easy. thinking about it, all the people I know do have some family, but they are not necessarily close.

Having split up from my long term partner, I am still on good terms with his family and connected to them through my kids, but it isn't the same.

I am lucky that I have a good relationship with my kids, that is precious. I know I need to invest in my friendships and I am doing that, but that can be hard as their families are usually their priority.

You have my sympathies Bilboba.

EddSimcox · 29/12/2016 07:49

I know it won't feel like any consolation at all, but it's worth remembering that families bring a lot of rows and strife with them as well. Sometimes to the exclusion of the good stuff. You are doing well, keep building your own 'family' of friends you've chosen ... it takes a lot of effort, but in the end can be better than the lot you're born with. I'm sure someone in your situation will be along in a minute.

Original poster

Bilboba · 29/12/2016 07:56

Sometimes I can't help thinking 'what's the point in life, what am I here for?' I wish I was part of something.

OP posts:

Newbrummie · 29/12/2016 08:08

Bilboba - make yourself useful then, go to the local hospital and read to elderly patients, knit for the neo natal ward. Wise words I heard years ago is that nobody is going to knock your front door, you have to get out there and make it happen. You need better friends for a start. Join something that happens more regularly, s running or cycling club

Truckingalong · 29/12/2016 08:10

Me! Parents recently died, no siblings, my relationship of 12 years pretty much done, limited friends, aunty who lives miles away who I don't really see. Makes me very sad.

Mummyof02 · 29/12/2016 08:10

Hi bilboba,

I know it may sometimes feel unbearable to be alone and not be surrounded with masses of family but you are not alone there.
I myself grew up in an extremely small family and often felt lonely growing up and wondered about extended family but the key to this is not to think of what could of been if life was different but to try and make the most of life as you wouldn't be here if you were not suppose to be. Like for me my life evolves around being a mum and secondly becoming a nurse, these two things of being a mother and becoming a nurse is why I think I'm here if you get me? Focus on what you want to do in life and make the most of it because we are only here for a short while! So enjoy it while you can, focus on your goals and ambitions and this in the long run this will make you feel better.

ThePeoplesChamp · 29/12/2016 08:29

v good advice from Newbrummie

I'm NC with all of my family following a lot of manipulation, personal cost in the tens of thousands, drugs, police at the door, death and guilt. And yes it's lonely, but it is within your / my control to get out there

EddSimcox · 29/12/2016 08:54

That sounds a bit like you are looking for something more OP... there are really two ways of finding that (and they go hand in hand for some people). The first is exploring your relationship with the universe - philosophy, spirituality, religion - that kind of thing. And the second is helping people - whether by caring, fundraising, campaigning about something you believe in, or whatever makes most sense to you. Perhaps you would feel more part of something if you started volunteering, or explored whether local churches might have something to offer you, or other religion of course.

Newbrummie · 29/12/2016 09:04

I don't believe in God but I joined my local church to just help in the community. I have to try not to smirk, a lot but it's worth it to get to know people

mayemerald · 29/12/2016 09:41

I am. I'm seriously considering having a baby alone so I have some family.

Cricrichan · 29/12/2016 09:51

I have my family but they're in different parts of the world. I've got amazing friends and although yes, we prioritise our own families, they're a key part of my life for fun, support etc. My local friends I see regularly but I also try and see friends who live in different parts of the country or even countries . We visit each other or organise holidays etc

I agree with peeps about the church. Some friends belong to church communities and they are such a source of support and friendship. Even if you're not religious, it may be worth exploring.

MonkeysLostApostrophe · 29/12/2016 10:53

Me, pretty much.
Do have an OH (not live in), but we're currently on a break instigated by me and I'm coming to the conclusion that I do have to end it because he's a twunt.
Parents both died before I was out of my 30s, no siblings. No DC. Only a couple of friends but they're not local.
I made a new friend this year who lives near me but she has a very busy life and is out of the country for about 8 months of the year.

I'm not bothered about having a DP, I'd be happy single but I do want to make some more friends. I also feel that I don't really make a difference to anyone's life.

springydaffs · 29/12/2016 11:13

Yes, me. It's tough.

The worst thing about aloneness is the shame, which turns it in to loneliness. We can be alone without being lonely. Aloneness is bad enough without the shame and loneliness on top! We do the shame to ourselves - so that's something we can work on eg many are alone through no fault of their own at all. It's just the way things fell. Our society is rigidly structured to prioritise couples and families and it is extremely easy to fall out of the catchment, through no fault of our own. I read a book on loneliness and one thing I remember from it is to remember all the people in all the world who are alone - there will be many, even in our street - and to extend our compassion to them and us. We are a community.

Pp is right that looking at what we can give is a marvellous antidote to loneliness /aloneness. It's kind of a spiritual principle that works like magic. In a curious way, if we make it our focus to think and plan what we can give, make it our aim, our needs are met. Somehow!

springydaffs · 29/12/2016 11:23

I was looking at this today.

Also what Sister Wendy Becket has to say about Edward Hopper (the great painter of loneliness), particularly his Hotel Room, 1931.

springydaffs · 29/12/2016 11:26

Hotel Room, 1931

trickycat · 29/12/2016 11:28

There was a very good documentary about loneliness on BBC about 2 months ago, I don't know if it is around anywhere. I recently found out a friend of mine volunteers in a children's hospice, in the kitchen.

MonkeysLostApostrophe · 29/12/2016 11:41

I really enjoy being alone, I need a lot of time alone and this has been a sticking point in my relationships.

But yes, loneliness is a different thing.
For me loneliness is felt when I realise that there's nobody who really knows me, nobody understands me or knows very much about me.
The feeling that there's nobody there if I became seriously ill, no visitors to hospital and so on.
If I died tomorrow, I can't imagine anyone would be at my funeral. If I died at home, how long would I be here dead before I was found? Even if I didn't die, if I had some awful accident in my home and couldn't get to the phone, how many days/weeks would I be lying in agony before anyone thought to check on me.
That's my loneliness and it makes me so sad.

springydaffs · 29/12/2016 11:43

Actually, that article I linked is a bit bloody depressing!

Streuth · 29/12/2016 12:09

I think it is difficult this time of year Bilboba. People talking about how incredibly hectic their family life is - visiting family, in-laws, etc. Sometimes I wonder if its stealth boasting ... , especially when its to someone who has little or no family. I also agree with SpringDaffs about shame. I suddenly considered that people possibly looked at me with pity (just me and my son at christmas), and a slight shame came to light. But, really, I am fairly fine with that. I wouldn't even mind Christmas on my own, though I know I am rather unusual in that.

I have my mother and my son, but otherwise no family. When I go my son will have no family, something that does cross my mind with a certain concern. So I do understand alot of where you're coming from.

But being without family can free you up for many things, as people without children probably find.... If you are spiritually-minded it can even be a wonderful gift. I'm not good at quoting the bible, but I think even Jesus spoke about "leaving your mother and father". All kinds of vocations, from teaching to medical and beyond, can benefit from the freedom that being single can bring. Of course most of us still need love and some level of sociability, and we can find this in our faith, our friends, and perhaps a pet if we are able to keep one. We are all in the stream of life and love and meaning comes in many forms.

springydaffs · 30/12/2016 00:24

That family boasting is a combination of blindness (thoughtlessness) and, well, plain boasting.

I have asked many people if they had a good christmas. After the usual 'fine thank you, you?' I dug deeper - 'did you?' - and it's surprising how many people actually had a challenging time. One man said to me 'you wouldn't have wanted my christmas'; to which I replied 'you'd be surprised'.

Perhaps it's time to be out and proud. My parents church delivered a Christmas message/flyer from their pastor (who lost his wife to ovarian cancer this year, leaving two boys under 10) which went something like 'Some people look forward to Christmas, giving and receiving gifts, spending time with loved ones. They are disappointed when it's over. Some people dread Christmas, have no-one to give or receive gifts, no money to buy gifts they'd like. They are relieved it's over'. A surprising number of people belong to the latter category imo.

singleandfabulous · 30/12/2016 00:54

To OP & MonkeysLostApostrophe

Its really tough in a world populated by couples and families.

I have a sibling and friends but parents and other relatives are dead now (I'm old) and I see the pity in peopke's eyes as they ask me what Ive done for Christmas. Im sure they think I cry myself to sleep at night. I thinj it's very hard to be alone these days as the focus is so much based on family/partners and connectivity 24/7.

It must be so hard to have nobody. I think the answer is to build a family of friends. I appreciate its easier said than done though.

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