Are we OK?

[Peanut1980]

Hi,

I'm under no illusion that life is a fairytale and understand all relationships have their ups and downs. I do love my husband and can't imagine life without him but we seem to be going through a rough patch and I don't know how to break the cycle. We have an amazing 3.5 year old boy who I know my husband loves and my son vice versa. I'm a stay at home Mum because we can financially afford that. Having said that I do volunteer which although not paid it does equate to a part time job. He often belittles that I'm just a full time Mum and my work for charity but I really do give it my best. I was a successful business woman before having my child so know I can succeed. At the time more successful than my husband. He never wants to come out with my son and I to do family things and on the rare occasion he does he immediately asks how long we're going to be and pushes for us to finish as soon as possible. I love being out with my son. I'm a fresh air freak. Before having children our lives were very rock n'roll but that changed the day we agreed to try for a baby. I never drink at home and rarely go out for a girls night out. Possibly 4 times a year. But I'm so over that. I love being with my son. My husband drinks pretty much every night and I can't bare to be around him when he's like that as he usually ends up confrontational and I go to bed upset. So I've ended up going to bed with my son. We co-sleep mainly because he's had breathing issues in the past. I've asked my husband to cut back on drinking but he says it's not hurting anyone but it's hurting our relationship. I just can't see him changing and I feel stuck in a rut. He has a turbulent relationship with his brothers and sisters. Yesterday a conversation escalated so quickly that he was pushing and shoving me and ripped a couple of my nails off and I have a sprained bruised ankle. It's not usually like this but it has happened several times. Simply because he'd had a falling out with his sister and I sent her a text to thank her for the present she bought my son. It was pretty crazy. I feel like im venting and sorry for babbling away. I just want things to get back on track but I really don't know how to!

Umm no you're not OK - your dh is assaulting you.

i agree you are not ok.
he has physically assaulted you.

seriously- once a man has physically hurt you, can you ever trust them again?

what is good about him/your relationship?

Nope. It's not okay. He's abusive - and however much he loves your DS and your DS loves him; this damaging to him.
Get out.
(Actually using your volunteering to get a paid job would be helpful for you.)

Eurgh... I know it sounds awful. Think I'm going to have a bit of a boo :-( I just want things to be OK and have good times again. I just wish we were on the same page I know he loves me and we'd both be devastated if we were to split. I feel like mentally we connect on a level that no one can ever replace but we do clash at times. I just don't know anymore xx

If he loves you so much he wouldn't belittle you or dismiss your view point on how his behaviour is affecting your family.

He loves you only enough that you fit in with his life, not enough to be the father and husband you need him to be.

wow really? pushing and shoving and ripped nails and a sprained/bruised ankle? That's hideous. It's assault and domestic violence. I think you need to seriously rethink this relationship. Fast.

peanut you are not OK or rather he is not OK.

He is abusive; he drinks too much and can't hold his drink; he is aggressive with you physically and it sounds like verbally with others; he belittles you; he doesn't really seem to want to be with you and your son on your terms - only on his own terms.

I think you need to take a really hard look at what is working in your relationship, if anything.

My guess is the bits that work are where your dh gets to decide what you do and how you do it.

In your shoes I'd either get counselling together, so he can change and behave like a normal man, get counselling just for me (like assertiveness training), or make plans to break up.

If you decide to break up gets your ducks in a row 're finances/ house/ child contact and care etc.

Please be very careful what you say to him about this, hide this thread, cover your tracks. He sounds like a mean drunk so please be careful.

Thanks for your input ladies. You confirmed my fears and now I just need to figure out what to do. Acknowledging the problem is the first step I'm just heartbroken that it's come to this.

peanut well for for facing up to the situation. Stay strong.

It is ok to be upset and grieve, it is normal.

Well done, I mean.

I agree with everything greyhound said except getting counselling together. It's not recommended for abusive relationships.

Which is what this is; starting with belittling your role as SAHP and volunteer (funny that, given that you were previously the more successful of the two!), right the way through to his physical assault on you yesterday.

There's a long way between being naïve enough to believe in happily-ever-after and putting up with this kind of shit. I hope that some day soon you'll be out having a wonderful time in the fresh air with your son, with the knowledge you can stay out as long as you like, because there's no sod huffing and puffing and spoiling it for you.

Have you read through this thread??
It sounds awful.
You could also google Al-Anon and see if there is one in your area.
It sounds as though your DH just wants to get back to drink.
He is more than likely, an alcoholic.
This is no model of a relationship for your DS.

Look into starting your business again or a paid job. Do not make excuses for the way he treats you. How can he be good with your son when he can't be bothered to do family days out when your son clearly enjoys things like that. Being a parent means you sacrifice and compromise because you are responsible for another human being who cannot fend for themselves. Also being just because your son loves him doesnt mean he is a good parent.

Actually I agree with FetchezLaVache counselling together is not a good idea.

It sounds like he is an alcoholic and he needs to access his own treatment for that, away from you. If he can overcome this then I personally think counselling together might help BUT I agree with FetchezLaVache that generally counselling with an abusive partner is not a goood idea.

Sorry if my advice was confusing or incorrect