Is it me? Or does it all go tits up after baby?

[ISTHISIT]

I have changed my name for this as dh may take a look. Wasnt sure which topic to put it under as it covers a few.

Since ds born 5 mths ago things just arent right. We seem to clash over everything to do with ds.

We used to argue everyday about the frequency of babys feeds.

I've cooked and froze lots of fruit and veg to wean and when I tell dp what I have done he asks why and tells ds 'dont worry daddy will give you the good stuff'.

I have to go back to work in 3 weeks and I would love for him to stop waking in night so I can get good night sleep. Every time he wakes DH says I should feed him as he cant stand him crying. OBviously I know thats ok in the short term - ds will go back to sleep - but long term he will continue to wake and wont go back to sleep without a bottle. So we are also rowing about that.

Last night was the final straw. DS woke at 10.30 - we could hear him on the monitor. He wasnt crying - just talking. Then dh brings him downstairs! Lights are on - t.v on ... (he never comes downstairs at night) and when I complain dh says I.m over reacting and took him into the garden!!

This morning I told him he shouldnt just be fed when hes not crying, and said how would he like it if i made him get up to him in the night when he had to go to work the next day - he said he wouldnt do it. 'But youll expect me to do it' was my reply.

I have cried a lot today feeling like I just dont have the support.

I love my son and want to give him the best start I can and if I want to spend time preparing food why cant I?

If I am the one having to get up in the night then I feel its my call as to what we do with night feeds.

Then I think maybe its just me. Maybe I am over exaggerating. Maybe its not such a big deal. But I'm not trying to be supermum , or saying Im right all of the time - Im just doing the best I can, and I feel like I'm battling against dh every step of the way. I just dont feel close to him anymore - which really upsets me.

Is it me? Or is this just the norm after youve had a baby. Or am I getting the blues? Please tell me it will get better. sorry so long.

Isthisit, no it's not just you!
Hormones play a major part with how you feel about your dh, and I also think a little jelousy on dh's part may be to blame for his mood. Perhaps he doesn't feel as involved with ds, or you as he feels he should be (not your fault, just men in general)
My favourite with my my dp was when I
was having hell with bf, and in floods of tears with dd at my breast my nipple bleeding all over her face, and dp going "no, maybe you should do it like this...." He was probably saying it just to be helpful, but honestly, I wanted to nail his balls to the wall at the time!
Maybe dh just wants to feel like he has more control and being critisizing is the only way he feels he can. If he's anything like my dp he sees a problem wants to fix it immediatly, and gets frustrated when he can't.
There clearly is some sort of problem here, try and get some time when you're both relaxed and fairly receptive to each other and talk about everything. Tell him you want to understand and help, but let him know you're feeling quite unsupported and frustrated as well.
Hope this helps a little bit, take care
Cat
xxx

Hi Isthisit,
I can sympathise completely with you about this.

We were the same for a while. I think for you the lack of sleep is the key problem.

For him, he just dips in and out of the parent thing. My dp agrees that since he went back to work he feels he sort of tunes in and out of being a parent.
Since i've been back at work, I understand him.

The thing i did to help us when we were bickering about everything was to wait until we had an hour or so to ourselves and then make him a cuppa and asked him to sit and listen to me. I spoke quietly and calmly and told him how I felt about it all. I said that I didn't expect a response there and then, I just wanted him to think about it all (I reckon one of the worst things you can do is ask for men to respond to something immediately - you always get a knee jerk response, not a well though out one!).

Since then he has been brilliant. When things go tits up, like they did at the weekend, and ds woke loads of times in the night as we were staying at somebody else's house; I just remind him that we are in this together and this is a team effort, and we manage to get on with it without an arguement.

This is a really big change in your lives, and both of you are realising that it is permanent, which imo is terrifying to both of you. Try to relax and stay calm, and just sit with him and tell him how you feel without accusing him of making you feel bad. I'm sure that he will go away and think about it for a while and then come back to you with a different attititude.
Good luck.

Isthisit - I know everyone here has said this but I want to reiterate IT ISN'T YOU. Since having a baby I have rowed with my dh (Who I consider my absolute soulmate) more than I ever did in the preceeding six years. That's what sleep deprivation combined with the strains of bringing up a baby does. It makes pigs of us all! Me and mine have had our worst rows at some ungodly hour of the night when fighting over who does what. But there should be a big subtitle over us just saying 'WE ARE REALLY REALLY TIRED'.

It sounds to me like you both need to sit down and discuss your parenting strategies with each other, at a time when you aren't too knackered. You need to explain that feeding your baby every time it cries - even when he's just been fed - may result in problems in the long term. You also need to have an agreement about not bringing the baby down once he's gone to bed. Consistency is important to babies and you sound like you are in danger of contradicting each other all over the place.

I can tell you that it does get better. My dd is now eight and a half months old and my dh and I have now found a way of being parents that works for us. I no longer tell him he's doing everything wrong and he now takes equal responsibility for the rough bits, as well as the nice bits of parenting. Good luck.

You know what...

Maybe your DH is jealous of the attention you bestow on DS and this is his way of dealing with it and he can see it really irritates you. Try different tack: smile and coo at DH, tell him he is right all the time (while doing your own thing when he is not there) and see if that helps with not arguing. I agree with what you are doing routine wise, not getting baby up, etc and food wise - that's fabulous, best start for DS. Why don't you switch off monitor without DH knowing so that if DS cries, you only know (keep checking discreetly) and then YOU are in control. You CAN deal with this and get the result you want.