Is this emotional abuse? what can I do? (I'm a mess)

[helpmeplease2045]

Been with my DH 10 years, married 6, DS 6 and DD 3.

I guess in many ways he has always been quite grumpy and has had a bad temper, he has never hit me or the children but has certainly shouted quite vile things at us in the past.

Over the past two years things have got a lot worse. I work three days a week which is resents (makes comments like 'oh of course you'll be buggering off to work tomorrow then), he is also very critical of the way indo things. Its true I am messier than him, but its everything from how much cereal I put in DCs bowls in the morning, to what shelf I put the cereal on right through to bigger things like what I spend money on. I make no less than him but am made to feel very guilty for treating the children, buying them clothes that aren't absolutely necessary. We have no money problems or debt.

He shows no kindness towards me and drinks around five cans of beer a night when I don't drink alcohol. I do 90% of stuff with kids, take them out, play games, read books etc.
He makes comments if I spend time with family that I'm going to turn them against him and makes no effort to see my friends or family.

I feel I am on egg shells as the smallest thing will set him off. He seems to think everything I do is wrong and then if I try to speak to him about any of the above he says I am just as bad (I promise I am not, if anything I try to ignore him and organise stuff for DC to keep out of the way).

He is very moody and negative, draining the joy out of small things.

I don't know what to do. He wont leave the house. My son is very sensitive and I don't want to upset him.

Thanks for any advice..

I'm really glad to see your update OP. Don't worry about the DC's things, IME they'll forget about them quite quickly. You really are doing the right thing. I hope it goes smoothly for you tomorrow morning. It could be the start of a great new life for the 3 of you.

Hope all went well OP, thinking of you.

Do hope you are now at your parent's home OP with the children. It's not surprising that you feel scared of your DH as he is scary - he's controlling and a bully. OK this is how he was treated as a child but that's not your problem. You need to make sure that this pattern is broken - your children will have suffered by living in an atmosphere of tension and seeing their father's irrational behaviour, but you can ensure that this situation ends.

One of the problems here is that women who have been controlled will have very low self esteem and will have difficulty believing that they can actually break away from the abuser and make a life for themselves. Again that's not unsurprising, but there are many women on here who have done just that OP and you can do it too - this is 2016 and the marriage breakdown rate is nudging 50% - so that tells you a lot,.

OK there are practical issues. You say you jointly own your house. Either one of you can buy the other one out, and if this isn't possible the house will have to be sold and the equity split between you. Your H can't just refuse to put the house up for sale - there are legal remedies on that issue. You will then have to buy something for you and the children or private rent (and I hope it's the former) no idea where you live but just hope it's not near London but housing is in a perilous state all over the country but please don't let that be a reason to stay away from this man.

You are scared about 50/50 child care. Does he work full time - if so how is he going to care for them and would he really want that - what sort of a father is he. The thing is the two of you need to try to come to some arrangement about the children. You asked about the legalities of taking the children away at this stage. Parents have equal rights to their children unless a court makes an Order to change that. It is perfectly legal for you to take the children to your parents or anywhere else for that matter though not out of the country. If you can't agree about the children, the matter will have to go the Family Court (and there is no legal aid available) - I don't know if either of you could afford legal representation. It's very unfair when one partner can afford it and the other can't, but many women find that they can represent themselves in court quite adequately (It's call litigant in person) and there are many books on Amazon to help you. I would urge you to try to work out child care without recourse to the courts because it is always a very tortuous and protracted journey. A social worker from CAFCASS (Child and Family Court Advisory Service) will be appointed to investigate the circumstances but they are desperately under staffed so the assessment are hurried which is not a good thing. You will have to attend mediation first to see if that can prevent the matter going to court. IF the matter ends up before a judge he/she will make a Child Arrangement Order, giving one parent what used to be called custody, and now means where the child has his permanent home, and almost always the other parent gets a Contact Order and that is usually defined by the judge.

Look I know this is all a bit mind blowing and I'm racing ahead but I'm trying to help you see that like most things in life, there are steps to be followed and you can do it - look at it like this, do you want your little boy in 20 years time being the sort of husband/partner/father as his father, or either of the children having problems because of the atmosphere at home, which can sometimes persist throughout the lifespan. YOU are a good mother and that will be a protective factor for them. Incidentally if you do go to court, remember that the social worker and judge will be acting in the best interests of the children, not you or your H and judges get very impatient with parents who try to score points off each other. I suspect your H might try this but all to the good because judges can see this a mile off and H will be given short shrift.

I am a retired social worker and worked in the Family Courts quite a lot. Happy to help further if necessary.

PS Sorry forgot to say you can always contact Women's Aid - you don't need to show bruises - emotional abuse is just as bad - and the law has been changed to make coercive controlling behaviour a crime. SO things are changing slowly.

I did it on 30th and I am so so glad I did. Got back into flat with kids (ex moved stuff out) and going for 5 nights with me, two nights with him at his parents house.

Oh I feel such relief, a calmness has restored to our house. He has got help for his drinking and anxiety so I hope he can make that work for the children's sake.

I am loving being just me and kids :)

Oh well done. It ain't easy but you did it. Bravo.

Good that he has the kids at his parents', who will be a stabilising influence (at least in numbers). But his dad is a bully and the kids may see examples of the same behaviour they were subjected to from him..

Do go along to al-anon. Also contact Women's Aid (local office here.) You need the best advice and support going forward - and they offer it.

He may be aiming for recovery now but addicts are notorious for talking themselves out of it (I'm not suggesting he won't succeed but it's wise to plan for eventualities. I am in a 12-step programme myself so know all the tricks). You need expert advice to protect the kids should his recovery not stick.

al-anon meetings

Well done, you are breaking the cycle (angry abusive fathers) and that is life changing for your family, especially son.

It is only when you look back in a few years will you see how far you have come.Do detail any incidents if you feel the children are exposed to his drinking.