I have been off and on steroids for the best part of two years for a chronic condition. Although they alleviate it the side effects are horrific.
Ive put on about 4 stone, I've become hairier, even gaining a moustache, my face is moon shaped.
I, usually very mild mannered and calm, become very angry, impulsive and have the most awful thoughts pop into my head. I am so irritable. I try very hard to keep a lid on it but some days I feel I may explode with pent up rage. The worst thing is knowing that it isn't right but still having nasty thoughts. I feel like I'm walking on eggshells but the person who will crack - is me.
This, in turn, makes my self-esteem plummet. I, really feel my family would be better off without me in the long-term. I would never do anything whilst my kids are still very small and dependent on me but have visualised killing myself in the future. I know it is mainly the drugs that make me feel so low but I also understand that I'm not easy to live with and my dh is fed up of me.
On Friday, dh had the day off. He was going to be tidying/cleaning to get the house ready for all our visitors on Christmas Day. (We hosted 14 for Christmas dinner) whilst I took the kids to delivered parcels, put wreaths on my parents' graves and bought the last of the fresh goods.
We returned after 3.5 hours to find he had cleared a cupboard. The rest of the house still looked the same. I said to him that I couldn't believe he had prioritised the cupboard but he was very proud of it.
I didn't want to get into an argument so left it but sent a text to my sister saying that I couldn't understand his logic.
He saw the text and hasn't spoken to me since.
I know I was wrong to vent to my sister but if I hadn't I probably would have rerouted. I'm starting to think my family would be better without me now and not wait. I am a horrible person.