Grim Xmas Argument - how to proceed

[XmasStrife]

NC for this, but am a regular, if not frequent poster.

Short version is, DF has an alcohol problem. Specifically, he gets very pissed and is an aggressive drunk. Now he's older, I have no fear of him (he's short and I'm fit), but he used to be violent with DM in the past. I thought all of this was over.

Anyway, went down to see them before Xmas (going to inlaws for Xmas day) and the day was going well albeit I was always on edge thinking he would get into DP or DM. Day went fine, we cooked together and watched TV. He got a bit goady, but then fell asleep.

When he woke up, he was just dripping hate speech. Now I'm kind of used to this (me bringing a black person home would not have gone down well but I never had to cross that bridge). But he started banging on about 'benders' and 'Islam'. Frankly it was just grim. I called him on it and he launched into how he'd saved me jumping off a bridge by drink driving when I was 17 (not true)....DP wasn't there and I'm nearly 40.

I was desperately hurt. I was a little pissed myself so unfortunately gave some very choice words. I also threatened to flatten him, because he was up in my face with fists raised (and has assaulted DM in the past - including in front of me - although she insists that is the distant past).

I can't fathom how to go forward. DM is pissed off, but was leaping on things DP said as unreasonable and how good DF is when is good. He's just nasty to DM as she's gotten a bit fat.

I really don't want to cut him off, because his behaviour doesn't match his actions. (Example: he thinks being gay should still be illegal, but has danced with a gay man in a camp tango and welcomed my clearly gay best mate into the house when we were teens).

Gah. They are good people in their actions. DF speech and drinking is getting really problematic. I have already told DM she doesn't cause it and I can't solve this for her and don't want to get in the middle because it doesn't seem to help. Really not sure how to proceed.

Stick with your dp. If you must see your father then at least avoid him when he's drinking (he had his fists in your face ffs - that's not normal ).

Personally, I'd see virtually nothing of him. If your mum gets hers from denial and being his enabler - well, that's her choice. You don't need to join in.

I think you're right Barbarian. I suspect I shouldn't drink around him either (not because my behaviour with a drink is bad, but I do find it harder to take his crap). I wasn't afraid of him and tbf, he didn't have fists in face, but was in my face yelling with fists made by his side.

Not sure why I'm even saying that tbf....it wasn't acceptable either way and at a younger age I would've been terrified - now I was more worried I'd retaliate and knock him flat. I did rip into him.

Since the incident I've tried to talk to my mum. She's mortified but had been hiding this for years, so took a while to get beyond blaming me / DP. I've told her I can offer temp digs, but she needs to decide herself what she wants the rest of her life to look like. She is mid-60s and in good health. Bizarrely so is DF, despite being a drunk all my days.

I should say, DP is incredibly supportive of an ongoing relationship, but just thinks we ought to re-shape it. I speak to my mother often (few times a week) and I'm not sure that will work with DF. Just been at Xmas with DP's family and whilst no-one was perfect it was so relaxing.....no-one was on edge in case some bugger kicked off....(which has been my life)