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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Huge split with DD

19 replies

MrBear · 28/12/2016 19:58

My DD is 27, separated and has 2 children of her own (2 and 4).
She's always been poorly organised, and never had a great relationship with my ex-wife, or anyone else. People seem to drift in and out of her life, and I'm the only person who had been in her life constantly.

Her split with her ex was very acrimonious, with courts getting involved, and she got a visit from social services.

Her and her kids were going to spend Christmas at mine, but owning to not sorting things with her ex the kids were not with her.

She said she'd spend Christmas with me, but pulled out at the last minute.

I agreed to pick her up at boxing day and drive her to her pick her kids up on boxing day.

As usual she was late getting to her house (travelled from her bf) . I helped her carry in her bags and here house was a real mess.

Not just untidy, but the kids toys on the floor, unwashed clothes, rubbish on the floor ( a choking hazard) and all her plates mouldy in the sink.

She saw my face and started accusing me of judging her, and we got into a row.

She refused to let me take her to get the kids, and ordered a taxi, which I paid for.

In the confusion, she locked her keys in the house (again) so while she was away I had to break open the door (no one has a spare key).

When she got back I repaired the door and lock and washed up for her.

After that she was still giving me the "evil eye" so I said goodbye to her and the kids and told her I'd text.

I've now texted and got no reply.

So ....

I'm worried that she isnt coping, and I'm sure the kids are not always bathed, fed greens, etc .

Her actions are sometimes erratic, sometimes with unrealistic expectations, and no-one except me seems to be in her life very long.

I'm terrified of the effect on her kids and unsure what i should do next

OP posts:

Therealloislane · 28/12/2016 20:08

What age are her children? Are they old enough to talk to you about home life?

Original poster

MrBear · 28/12/2016 20:32

No at 2 and 4, plus I dont often get a chance to see them without her in the room.

OP posts:

6demandingchildren · 28/12/2016 20:44

I went through this after my first divorce, I had to pull myself out of it as I rushed losing my children. I was struggling but didn't want to admit I was a failure. Just be there and offer practical help.

howtheheckdoidealwiththis · 28/12/2016 20:48

You sound like a very caring Grandpa. The children are lucky you are there. Don't leave them despite evil eyes etc. They need you.

Haggisfish · 28/12/2016 20:51

I'd reassure her you love her and the children and just offer to go over, either to do some tidying or look after children while she does tidying.

annandale · 28/12/2016 20:52

Certainly sounds like she is struggling hugely. I'd also be worried about the kids :(

What do you think you can do? Can you visit more often? Could you even move closer to her so that you can drop in for short visits more frequently and it becomes more normal to her to have you around/you can have the kids after school one day a week and lay out a big salad? Is she able to work, or do you think she would let you facilitate that by offering a bit of childcare? Or is your life really complicated enough - not a criticism, we can only do what we can do.

Do you think her ex is a good influence on the kids? Would it in fact be better if they were with him more of the time?

Original poster

MrBear · 28/12/2016 20:54

Thanks all
@howtheheckdoidealwiththis I'm trying to keep close to her , but she tends to cut people out of her life at a moments notice.

Shes threatened to stop me seeing her and the kids, and her sister and mother never see the kids either.

OP posts:

bananagreen · 28/12/2016 20:55

It sounds like she is not coping, could she be suffering with depression? It might be worth sitting down with her and talking about things, if she will, maybe a trip to the GP. And offering practical and emotional support.

annandale · 28/12/2016 20:56

Mmm. I would seriously consider sharing my concerns with the ex. Ultimately it is about the kids' welfare - assuming he is a better bet - and he had better be, as if you do this, I think you can assume your relationship with your daughter will break down for years if not forever

If I just couldn't do that, I would test the water just to keep as much contact as she will let you have, to push it as much as you can but to back off as soon as she seems uncomfortable. I think it is vital that you try to stay in the children's lives.

Original poster

MrBear · 28/12/2016 20:57

@annandale visiting more often is a little difficult, and moving closer is not practical.

I'm waiting right now for her to come back to my text, hopefully to open a channel of conversation

OP posts:

Original poster

MrBear · 28/12/2016 21:00

@annandale talking to the ex would be a VERY BAD THING. She'd see it as a betrayal, and I suspect he'd delight in letting her know I'd spoken to him, just to wind her up.

They dont have a good relationship, partly due to her being flaky on things like picking them up on time

OP posts:

Christmassnake · 28/12/2016 21:03

Pay a visit to the local health visitor,should be one in the nearest doctors,explain yr concerns and get them to pop in unannounced,i expect she's not took the kids for the nessessary appointments at the correct ages either,if the eldest is at school ,go speek to the school,or her doctor ,could you offer to pay for a cleaner to help her get on top of things?

SingingSeal · 28/12/2016 21:08

Your DD could simply be selfish and self-entitled. Or she has mental health issues of some sort. I don't know what kind, as you don't go too much into her behaviour, apart from her chaotic life and anger. Certainly the way she treated you she sounds hard work. I think Annandale has some good advice in her second paragraph (am less convinced about the first without knowing a whole lot more about him). Its very sad for you to be in this situation.

annandale · 28/12/2016 21:39

Yes I guess it couldn't work

I think just the fact that you are around and involved is great. I think talking to the health visitor is a good idea too.

abbsisspartacus · 28/12/2016 21:43

Give her a choice swallow her pride grow the fuck up and accept help or you will talk to the health visitor and flag your concerns with them

forumdonkey · 28/12/2016 21:44

Is the state of the house a new thing or since the split?

forwhom · 28/12/2016 22:36

How tricky of you - my mum is a very messy person and I suspect I had mouldy dishes in the sink growing up.

I would follow the advice of others get HV involved, can you offer her cleaning help one day a week or something?

Therealloislane · 29/12/2016 13:08

I'd give her a call & ask if you can help her get the place straight. If there was anything you could help with etc.. just open the channels of communication.

I hope she replies to your text message.

Original poster

MrBear · 29/12/2016 15:35

Thanks all .

I'm still waiting for her to reply. Without going into details I dont think she has mental heath issues .

I think shes a bit overwhelmed and a little self entitled:)

After your advice (thanks all ) and I'll sit her down and ask her to accept help or I'll go to the Health visitor.

OP posts:

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