DH EMotional affair from 10 years ago but only recently found out about

[Esoteric]

Basically my husband decided 10 years ago to write a load of very emotional songs and record them himself to a 22 year old girl that worked with us, they are full of very emotional ' longing, reawakening senses' kind of stuff and wanting to escape, 'not knowing which way to turn ' we have been married 20 years now. I had misgivings at the time and he assured me he wasn't interested. A very bad gaslighting situation, anyway I found them, it came out just before Xmas and he was mortified and tells me that it was all in his head, it was a bad time, his mum was dying, our business had issues, and he can't understand himself why he did it. I am finding it very hard to believe it was just in his head and even if it was to get past the fact that he was clearly unhappy with me and obviously had very strong feelings for someone else. We have a bit of an up and down marriage anyway although get on very well as friends , I admit to not being the most affectionate person going . I'm not sure though I can get this out of my head, would this be a deal breaker for others??

It wouldn't be for me. 10 yrs is a long time and I think everyone has a wobble from time to time which can be sparked by anything and often by bereavement. Of course their are absolutely perfect people on here who couldn't get past it but for me it is something to talk about and deal with rather than pack his bags over.

I think that very much depends on what the last ten years of your marriage has been like. You also mention that you aren't affectionate - could this have bothered him enough to seek affection elsewhere? Not meaning to make excuses for him, but we've all seen enough threads where a desperate lack of affection in a marriage causes heartache and it seems possible in your circumstances.

Do you have reason to believe anything physical happened between them? Is the OW still around?

I think maybe not that sexual is more accurate than not that affectionate. ! With regards to anything physical, the lyrics imply it , lots of falling into your arms again type stuff and they had tons and tons of opportunity. , he tells me nothing happened and it was'in his head' , she is around yes but nowhere near us, and now married and expecting first child. They remained 'friends' and he occasionally gets just Friendly FB messages from her.

Christ I bet that was cringey. I think I would try and bury this, you will never get to the bottom of it. 10 years is a long time, and you will drive yourself mad over it. Are things generally good between you two? Are things still 'up and down'?

Those lyrics are shite by the way. It reminds me of the time I found a poem penned by my ex called 'forbidden fruit'. I tore it up screaming 'so what does that make me? A shrivelled up old PRUNE?' Not my finest moment.

His 'it was nothing' is bollocks. All that angsty time he was spending writing and recording those songs could have been spent reconnecting with you, even sharing house jobs, anything. I presume he played these songs to his lady-love? I think he's got a lot of making up to do.

This was 10 years ago? How long had you been married at that point? What have the last 10 years been like?

It wouldn't be thebend for me. Only bbecause I do know that people get crushes and can have phases of being a little taken with someone. It was dumb of him to write anything down and even dumber to keep the poems but the fact that he had them, rather than her, suggests he is being truthful.

It was a crush he indulged in a little too much. I'm dig a bit more to be convinced but I would lean towards letting it go.