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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Do you ever regret ending your relationship?

13 replies

mysistersimone · 27/12/2016 22:51

I am building up to ending my marriage. I am certain I do not love him but I get waves of fear and anxiety about the future. Mostly money and the emotional fallout with my children.

I suppose I am looking for tales of positivity. I have been married 8 years and have felt very unloved for at least 4 years. Its a depressing place to be.

OP posts:

Everstrong · 27/12/2016 23:12

Handholding from me OP, I am building up to ending my marriage but the sheer logistics seem overwhelming.

How old are your dc? I hope that mine will adjust in time as she's reasonably young and will be staying in the same house and at the same school (I can buy DH out luckily)

lilybetsy · 27/12/2016 23:19

No. neither my marriage or the LTR I had since. In both cases I was desperately unhappy. I regret not ending both sooner ....

Original poster

mysistersimone · 27/12/2016 23:29

My children are 5 and 7. They are used to him going away, they don't see him much sometimes as he is away for work so are uaed to that already. I don't currently work though I will look for a job. We share a mortgage but he pays for everything. We barely tolerate each other most days, he has done some things that may have ended it on the spot for others but for some reason its dragged on. Maybe low self esteem on my part, this is my lot in life etc

OP posts:

Lunenburg · 27/12/2016 23:36

No.

You only live one life and you owe it to yourself and your children to make it as happy as possible.

My parents stayed together in an unhappy marriage and it affected me and my siblings. I had no idea what a happy relationship should be like and had to go through many false starts until I found it.

Get out and focus your emotional energy on creating a new future for all of you. You won't regret it !!

Hermonie2016 · 27/12/2016 23:37

I think it's important you know you have taken steps to resolve problems before you end the marriage as otherwise there can be regret or what it's.
If you do this then I think our won't regret the decision.

What are the issues?

LellyMcKelly · 27/12/2016 23:38

I second Lilybetsy, I regret not ending it sooner. It would have been better for both of us. I'm in a relationship now that almost makes me swoon every time it crosses my mind how emotionally healthy and happy it makes me feel, and my ex is finally coming to terms with the fact that he is gay. Splitting up is not the hard part - managing it so that your children remain happy and secure is. I've just spent Christmas with my mum and dad, sister, BIL, niece, my partner, his kids, and my ex. It has taken almost superhuman levels of organisation and diplomacy (flights to another country, sleeping arrangements etc.), but it has worked. The kids have had a ball (I need a big rest and a bucket of wine!).

Original poster

mysistersimone · 27/12/2016 23:58

I booked Relate sessions, he only turned up to 3 and said he didn't see the point. When he goes drinking it always ends messily, he has been rude to his high ranking bosses, got punched, smashed his face and petrified the kids, lost his wallet with his wedding ring in it, verbally abused me infront of my street (street party) and never apologised, ran up debt secretly on fast food and fags/beer, not supported me through a nervous breakdown, lied to me, mocked me in public and written off a car speeding that was bought with a loan from my Dad. I dread going to sleep as I don't want to share a bed, I am currently top and tailing with my 5 year old. There is no spare room

OP posts:

Afterthestorm · 28/12/2016 00:27

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Tryingfailingagain · 28/12/2016 01:48

Never met anyone who hadn't wished they'd ended if earlier. But we all have to get there in our own time, no one will think bad of you one way or the other.

fallenempires · 28/12/2016 02:19

No,never,despite how many difficulties that I've faced since.
You do indeed only have one life & you owe it to your children & yourself to make the best of it that you can.If that means Mum & Dad living separately than so be it,you can both still be parents to your children.Your children need to see & be around loving adult relationships to enable them to grow up with a healthy sense of what a loving & functional relationship is.

userformallyknownasuser1475360 · 28/12/2016 02:46

booked Relate sessions, he only turned up to 3 and said he didn't see the point. When he goes drinking it always ends messily, he has been rude to his high ranking bosses, got punched, smashed his face and petrified the kids, lost his wallet with his wedding ring in it, verbally abused me infront of my street (street party) and never apologised, ran up debt secretly on fast food and fags/beer, not supported me through a nervous breakdown

Op sounds very much to me like there might be alcohol addiction issues here? Re the thoughts on ending the marriage - my marriage may be ending, and it is due to my alcoholism, and I think it may have left some emotional scarring on my son - I am so sorry for it but cannot change my past. I am trying to make amends for the past, firstly by being sober (almost four months now) and then by putting right what I can.

My dw left ( rightly) and I haven't got the chance for relate etc yet. I am hoping against hope that dw will see it in her heart to try and forgive me. Don't get me wrong in the four months I have had doubts about trying and thought maybe I should just walk away.

I suppose what I am trying to say is that J think the best thing in my situation is that I need to be sure that I can look myself in the mirror and say that I did everything that I could to save the marriage or make others happy. The looking in the mirror and being able to say it is the big thing as it's the person in the other side of the mirror that I can't get away from.

RiceCrispieTreats · 28/12/2016 04:47

Like everyone else, I only regret not leaving sooner.

It is very hard to leave, though, because we are genuinely committed to our marriages. But if a person does not respect you and grinds you down, then your commitment becomes a liability rather than the wonderful gift it is meant to be.

You are the only person who is looking out for yourself in this situation. You have to take care of yourself.

Original poster

mysistersimone · 28/12/2016 08:07

He did have a problem with alcohol, it seems to have calmed down a lot the past year but his behaviour caused scars and they don't go away. I can honestly say I tried, I really did. As much as a split would deny the kids time with their Dad, they don't see a happy adult partnership in action. My own parents relationship was like this, my Dad treating my Mum poorly and abused alcohol but for some reason she stayed till she died 11 years ago. I think she would tell me to get out. My own relationship with my Dad has changed over the last decade and he knows I am unhappy and supports a split.

OP posts:

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