My Mum's Boyfriend

[pumpapple]

DM's been with her boyfriend for a few years, they also live together. I find him quite strange as do my siblings, but I try to see the best in him generally.
Christmas day and we had our usual party late afternoon/early evening where we always open presents etc with other family members. DM and her boyfriend turned up 1 hour before everyone left, 4 hours late! This was apparently down to 'problems' with DM's boyfriend's family, who always seem to cause DM problems whenever she has arrangements to see her own family. DM arrived upset at being so late, whilst her boyfriend arrived drunk and insulted our guests (my inlaws included) with inappropriate jokes and strange comments.
DM lost her parents earlier this year and has had a terrible time as a result, he has some sort of drink problem which my mum has tried to keep from us, however it's been difficult considering that a few weeks ago he actually turned yellow.
He doesn't work and I can only assume that my hardworking DM paid for all the presents for his children aswell as her own and her GCs.
DM and I had a good chat today and she seemed to be seeing sense in terms of her boyfriend. That he wasn't doing her much good etc etc. Although her defence for him was that he adores her.
Spoken to DM again via text and she has asked me to accept her boyfriend's apology on the basis that he "gets nervous" and says the wrong things sometimes. I've explained that I feel his overall persona us a real problem and that he makes me feel very uncomfortable in general and always has done. She refuses to listen and says that he is calling me to apologise tomorrow. I don't know what to do, DM is quite vulnerable atm so don't want to upset her but I really don't want much to do with her boyfriend or his benefit scrounging, troublesome family in future. Mum ferries them all around in her car as none of them drive, they all seem to make very little effort with her family and I'm pretty sure she's being taken for a ride. I know all of this is her choice but I don't know how I can continue my own relationship with DM when I really dislike and do not want to spend time around her boyfriend.

Bump up

You can tell he you don't want to spend time with him, fair enough, but will this lead to seeing less of her? Is she so keen on being with him that she will go low contact with you to ensure she keeps him? If he's guilting her into staying, to look after him, pay for his addiction etc, how can you get her out of the fog?

Can you visit when he's not in. Or meet your mum in a public place or at your house.

He sounds like a real idiot.

DM is likely to get very upset if I refuse to see him, after losing her parents she's become focused on both his family and her family spending time together. I don't want to.upset her given the circumstances, but I really don't want to be around him either. He's a complete waster.

Obviously worried that he's taking full advantage of DM too. Something she doesn't see at all.

He is taking advantage of her and is a drain on her time, energy, and money.

However if she's not ready to face that, then she's not ready to face that. All you can do is même your limits clear, and stick to them. If you don't want to see him, if you don't want him in your home, then you say: "Mum, I love you and I want to see you as much as possible, but I've had enough of Boyfriend and don't want to be in his presence. When can you and I see each other? I'll take you out for tea at [propose a plan]"

Yes, she will be upset. That is unavoidable.

But put it this way: she is more likely to eventually see the light if you stop normalising his shitty behaviour. Although that is no guarantee : sometimes people will stay in denial about a shitty partner forever, because they prefer to have a partner at all.

Thanks RiceCrispie. I think if I reaffirm to DM that I still love her and want to spend time with her, it will help. Her self-esteem is probably at an all time low so leaving him is difficult for her right now. I just hope she eventually sees the light!