Fall out with parents [sad]

[magicgirl74]

I have fallen out with my parents this morning and I'm so upset I can't tell dh what has happened as i will start crying again.A bit of back story I'm the eldest of 2 children me and a younger brother there is just under 2 years between us.From being very young i was always aware that he was the favourite and on top of that my parents were abusive,there I've finally said it its taken me a long time to acknowledge this.I can sort of understand why my dad was angry and abusive as he had an abusive childhood but my mums childhood was idyllic so I can't understand why she was like it.I spent most of my childhood terrified as we were regularly hit by my dad but if I've ever mentioned it as an adult he just says we weren't hit we were smacked but in my eyes there is no difference.On top of this i was badly bullied by a girl at school from the age of 8 until i left school at 16 so i was scared at school and at home and i believe this has led to my mh problems as an adult(anxiety and panic disorder)I have been on antidepressants since my early 20s and have accepted i will be on them for the rest of my life.Growing up my younger brother could do no wrong if my dad tried to punish him my mum would defend him but never me,he always got the exact thing he asked for at Christmas but i never did and he always had brand new clothes but i had hand me downs(god knows where from as i was also the eldest grandchild)usuall from a huge bin liner my mum used to leave in my bedroom.Fast foward to adulthood my brother spent a lot of time unemployed having been thrown out of 2 colledges and sitting about playing computer games.I would regularly come home from work and be told i would have to go to the shops as there was no milk/bread/cheese all eaten by brother,i got fed up of this and pointed out that db had been sat about all day so why can't he go and then all hell would break loose and dd would have a right go at me so i would have to go.Thats just a taster of what went on if i put all that happened i would be here all day.At 21 i bought a house with dh then dp and its lovely to live by my own rules and i could finally breathe.At 24 i married and a couple of years later i had my ds,i took the decision fairly early to have just 1 child and i think this is because of my childhood.My db also had children and from the start my brothers kids were favourite with my parents and for a while we kept away as if anything happened my ds would get the blame and my niece was often given gifts in front of my son who got nothing so we kept away as much as possible.Im now 42 and my db has had 2 different partners and 4 kids between both and is always in trouble with money and parents constantly bail him out but they won't here a bad word against him he's left a trail of destruction each time and 2 of his kids have behavioural problems because of his behaviour.I on he other hand are a constant disappointment and can never do anything right(what is it about me that constantly wants to please my parents when i know it will never be good enough) im still married to dh and my ds is nearly 16!and despite having asd is doing really well at school and is going into the 6th form next year but apparently im too soft on him and he is too spoilt according to my parents.Anyway recently my brother has met another women who my parents think is the beesknees(just like the last 2) and they have quiet quickly become besties with her mum.She is from a very well off family and my parents go on about it at every available opportunity they also are constantly trying to get us to meet them and to be hnoest im not intrested but they won't let up so this morning after shopping i asked hubby to take me to my parents while i have a word as they are making us feel uncomfortable especially my ds who doesn't cope well with change.My brother has proposed to his new gf and my parents are even more eager for us to meet them as they are getting married next year.I told my mum I'm not intrested in having a forced meeting and if i bump into them i will meet her then as i only really see my db once a year but they wouldn't let it go and just kept going on about the wedding and how i need to meet them and I'm sorry to say i just came out with what everyone else was thinking and told my dad i thought db was only marrying her for money.My dad flew into a rage and I honestly thought he was going to hit me so i left with him following me hurling abuse so i just snapped and told him he thinks the sun shines out of db arse.I got back in the car sobbing as I've never stood up to my parents before and I didn't stop sobbing until lunch time i still can't tell dh what happened as i feel numb and sad but i think the best thing now is for me to break contact with them as i still strongly believe they are the cause of my problems in adulthood I'm sorry this is a long post i just needed to get it out and i cant physically speak to anyone about it at the moment i just needed to vent sorry

[Abricot1993]

Springy is spot on. The future will be better for you as finally you are giving yourself the permissionto find the self esteem you deserve. How rubbish are they. Mine were rubbish too. SM focused only on my sS leaving me to grow up "alone". This made me financially successful but at a price to finding emotional content and self esteem. Don`t try to change them but change yourself, focus on your family not them. Give yourself the warmth and support and esteem you need in your own family and especially to your son.

[magicgirl74]

Still no contact from dd or dm I've still got that knotted feeling and I'm struggling to sleep at night but other than that i feel a weird sense of calm which I wasn't expecting.Im wondering if it the calm before the storm that is coming when my dp's realise I'm not going to fall back into line and do what they want and that is going to make them look bad in front of my db future inlaws.I have rung my physiatrist and asked to be referred for counselling and have explained the situation(iv been seeing her for years so she knows me and my problems well)I've spoken to my dh and he agrees my dp have been well out of order and that he has my back but he still thinks i will make up with them.I am worried about how to deal with it if and when they try to make contact also we only live a few miles from them and I'm worried about bumping into them when I'm out.I still can't bring myself to read the toxic parent book i ordered as i think i will find it to upsetting i will wait until i feel a bit better.Im not sure what to do about my ds,I have told him what's happened as i never hide things from him and he gave me a lovely hug and told me everything will be alright.He asked me what he should do if the contact him and I honestly didn't know what to tell him,I've told him its his decision(he's nearly 16 years old and has asd)I don't want to upset or stress him as he is in his last year of gcse's and he has worked really hard to get to where he has.He is aware of my unhappy childhood and how my brother was the favourite and he has also always been aware the my dd and db don't like him much he has always been a bit frightened of my dd he doesn't see his du very often.Im sorry I'm rambling a bit on here but it is helping me to write things down and i can read it back later xx

[fc301]

OP your comment about your Nan is interesting. I was just thinking/ realising that my (D)Fs shit treatment of me has ramped up in the 5 years since my last GP died. This would seem to back up the the idea that they DO know their behaviour is bad, even if they will NEVER admit it.

[OzzieFem]

OP, sounds like you should make it very clear to your parents that it is DB who will be responsible for his parents care when they get old. After all his Dp is the one with all the money and can afford a big house to accommodate them.

I would personally also let them know that if your DF had hit you then the police would have been called and a charge laid. Wonder how their son's new family would react to that?

[springydaffs]

I'm NC with my siblings and we all live quite close to one another. I haven't seen them in 5 years ie bumped into them. I never see them.

[magicgirl74]

Well still no contact apart from a text from dm wishing us happy new year but other than that nothing which just shows how much i mean to them my anxiety is not as bad as i thought it would be but I'm having trouble sleeping but that could be down to my meds being increased.Im halfway through reading the book toxic parents which has been a difficult read,i guess im angry I didn't get a decent set of parents,I'm always envious of people with normal loving and nurturing parents something i think all children should have but sadly a lot of us didn't have xx