Partner trouble

[joesyf]

Please please someone help me. I have two older children from a previous marriage (which was abusive and I escaped) they are now 16 and 18. The eldest works full time and the 16 yr old is at college. I also have an 11 year old with my current husband. This is my situation. I met Carl 13 years ago while I was married, we became friends and our relationship was based on that friendship at the start. We fell in love and I left my violent husband and a year later lived in with Carl. He was lovely, he doted in my boys and he also has two Children of his own from a failed marriage, ages 8 and 12. My boys and his children seemed to take to each other and become close. Two years later I fell pregnant. I was over the moon, we were so happy!! But a few weeks later he decided he couldn't have the child. I had a termination as he was accusing me of trapping him.
We moved on from it, bought a house and we settled but he started it to show a dislike to my eldest. This caused a lot of arguments as when his children came every other wknd they did what the liked yet mine were being told off for exactly the same things. We battled on and another year later I fell pregnant with my son. We kept him and he is now 11. He still continues to he nasty to my eldest and doesn't make any time for him. I live in the middle of it with him moaning about him and vice versa! It's like piggy in the middle! Now his moods are spoiling any fun holidays and nights out! He's always nasty and always right!! I just want to be happy!! We can't have party's or friends round cos he's so rude to them. He started of being like my saviour but now life is so hard I can't even breathe. He doesn't speak To me if I do something he doesn't approve of, and he still isn't nice to the kids. My youngest (his son) doesn't like him. They are all asking me to leave him but I'm scared. Please help me. I just don't know what to do. I work and can survive without him but I just don't know what I want!! I love the Carl I met 13 years ago!! Where's he gone? I just need to be happy!

Put your children first. They are begging you to leave that abuser and you are refusing. The man you met was always a bastard it just took time for you to see that. He might have put on a good act for a while but that is all is was.

You say you need to be happy, what about your children? I know I sound harsh, but you are putting your partner before your children who are telling you they are suffering. I have been where you are, put your children first and get the hell away from that abuser. Try focussing on what your children want. They didn't ask to be in this shit.

You say you can survive without him then do that and stop dragging your poor children through this crap.

He's been nasty to your eldest for all this time and you don't know what to do?

Come off it

I know. It breaks my heart. He was a safe haven for us all at first as my husband was physically abusive to me. I'm a strong person inside and I know what I should do, I regret the choices I have made and although your words are not sympathetic towards me, I do totally get why. I do feel weak and trampled and stuck, my eldest isn't easy either and has issues but then again that's prob down to me and the life I've given him. I am trying to do the right thing, I just feel empty and lonely

I'm not surprised your son has issues. He been brought up by a man who blatantly shows his dislike for him and a mum - his protector - who has enabled this.

There really is only one thing to do and you know what it is.

Your son may need counselling to help him understand why you chose to put him through this.

It sounds like you could do with some yourself.

Leave him.

God almighty, he has been a nasty bastard to your child for all that time?!? Poor boy, why on earth did you let this go on?
You should have run like the wind when he accused you of trapping him not moved on from it & then allow him to make your childrens lives miserable.
Start putting your children first & get rid of this specimen.

How have you been with Carl for 13 years when his youngest is 8? I'm confused on that - 8 when you met, 13 years ago?

Anyway. You moved from one abuser to another. You need to take time out and learn about the signs, and build your own resilience on your own to feel OK staying single.

Listen to all 3 of your kids - you made a mistake with this man, so - end it.

Obviously he hasn't just been nasty for 13 years. Like any abuser he's been lovely in between to all of us. My son is 18 and I'm best friends with him, we are inseparable, I have always defended him and stood my ground. My eldest hasn't always hated my H and as he got older it's gotten easier.

Yes his kids were 8 and 12 when we met.

I've only ever tried to make a go of things. Rightly or wrongly. We aren't all prefect. One thing I have always done is stuck up for my own children and always will do, if he's being an arse I make sure he's told.

Oh he is your best friend and is lovely now because funnily enough you describe him as:

He still continues to he nasty to my eldest and doesn't make any time for him. I live in the middle of it with him moaning about him and vice versa! It's like piggy in the middle! Now his moods are spoiling any fun holidays and nights out! He's always nasty and always right!! I just want to be happy!! We can't have party's or friends round cos he's so rude to them. He started of being like my saviour but now life is so hard I can't even breathe. He doesn't speak To me if I do something he doesn't approve of, and he still isn't nice to the kids. My youngest (his son) doesn't like him. They are all asking me to leave him but I'm scared. Please help me. I just don't know what to do.

I didn't say that!!!

Do you know what!!! Kick me when I'm down. Came on here to get support and possibly friendship as yes I've made mistakes but want strength to sort them, but instead I'm getting the opposite. I didn't say he was my best friend ever. I have described what I've been through in summary but in the whole 13 years it's not all been awful. Think what you like about me. I wish I'd never posted. Thanks for the support

Please contact Women's Aid who will help you to realise that you are in an abusive relationship. I contacted WA when I was in your situation and the support I got enabled me to leave the abuser and set up a new happier home with my DC. We never looked back and relief of not having him in our lives was immense. This can be your future too.