Making the final decision

[Notgoingtobeamug]

"D"P had an affair earlier this year. We have been together for 14 years. We have a 3 year old DS. I found out about the 10 month affair on holiday in July.

We got back together in September. I don't know why. I love him but he constantly disrespects me by staying out all night (at least once a week) and goes out drinking at least another night. He will not answer the phone to me when out. I tell him this is not acceptable, he apoloises and I get on with life for an easy life for me and DS. To be honest I'm so used to him not being around it doesnt make too much difference anymore if he is at home or not.

Xmas day I get a card "I hope you have a better 2017". WTF? My 2016 was blown apart by his affair and the mind games he played whilst covering it up and the public humiliation when it came to light (he took her to a friends wedding without telling anyone we had broken up).

We usually spend xmas day together at my parents. He is not welcome there. We spent it at home just the 3 of us. I asked if I could pop to see my parents for 30 mins to exchange gifts but he said he didnt want to be alone so I didnt. About 3.30 he changed his mind by which point I couldnt drive as I had 2 glasses on wine.

He barely spoke to me for the rest of the afternoon. At 7.30 he asked if I minded if he went to see a mate. I said fine as he was barely talking to me anyway. He didnt get in until 2am.

Boxing day and I take DS to my parents to exchange gifts whist DP lies in. I'm back at 11 so we can spend the day together. He then explodes as my sisters hadnt got him a gift (he hadnt got them one). Says I'm a coward for buying their partners gifts and not insisting they buy him one! He says I should stick up for him. I explained he has made no effort with my family since the affair (hasnt seen them) and my sisters didnt have to buy him anything. He then stormed out and hasnt been home. Its been 23 hours and I spent all boxing day alone with DS.

Its over isnt it. I can't keep on trying to make someone love me and act with a shred of respect towards me. I just don't know how to make the final devision and stick with it.

If you pay for the car and are the registered owner then he has no right to ask for the keys. Give him 1 hour to pack a bag and call somewhere to stay. If you have a joint account then move the money into a personal account and give him enough for a basic hotel. Then ask him to leave. If he kicks up a fuss then call the police. He will be removed from the residence anyway and you will be allowed to stay.

I have, I actually feel strong right now.

Transferring the house into my name will be easy enough (I do it as part of my job) its just the time it takes.

I walked in the door and he actually had the audacity to say that he had put dinner on. I said I wasn't hungry. He asked for his keys so he can go get his phone and Ive said no, I'm not funding a car for him to drive his OW around in. Last time he cost me £2k in dart charges (by never paying them or the penalties).

Ive said that there are consequences to his actions and this time he has actually done it.

Ive had a shit shit year finishing off with a disaster xmas. He can fuck off - I hope he has got an OW (he denies it) it will make it so much easier.

It wont escalate, I'm not going to shout because quite frankly I don't care enough. I want him gone. He wont shout because of DS, its one of his mind games, wind me up enough so I shout then he points out how terrible I am arguing in front of DS to shut me up.

Sorry OP but it sounds as if he stirred up an argument just to get out of that door. As well as the day before he tried to let you go away (to call someone?) than as you stayed he left instead. How did the affair end? Did she call it off with him?

He said he ended the affair as he realised what he was losing but I would be a fool to believe that.

He could easily take the dog for a walk if he wanted to make a call. The only reason on xmas day that he changed his mind about me seeing my family was so he could look like the good guy. He was manipulating me, he knew I had drunk 2 glasses of wine by then and couldnt drive.

I left my XH when he hit me in front of our son. All the hidings, cheating, emotional and sexual abuse hadn't made me leave, but that did. Because that is who my son had as an example of how to be a man. I've never looked back, not once. You can do this OP, and my god it will be worth it!

Well done OP, you have made a start. It sounds like, unusually, you are in the stronger position with an income and control of the accounts. He clearly has somewhere else he can stay, as he is often out overnight.
Hang in there.

Well done!! Has he gone?

oh I am so sorry OP I had posted only after page one by mistake.
He sounds so manipulative, and you are doing so well

No, he hasnt left.

Its going to be tough to get him out (especially with no car and he hasnt got his phone) but I'm not going to give the keys to him as I'm not letting that car out of my sight. He has treated me like a mug so many times I will be damned if I'm paying for him to drive round OW in his swanky car again.

He's a cheating dickhead.

Well done OP, the decision is made - you've done the hardest part now stick to it.

You will be so much happier without him, make 2017 your year.

What a vile and disrespectful bastard OP. Hope you're able to get rid soon

Drive him somewhere? Tell him to get one of his friends to come and get him?

He has no way of contacting friends without his phone (I certainly don't have their numbers) and 3 year old DS now in bed so I cant drive him anywhere).

He can sleep on the sofa but this time its different, I don't feel anxious about my decision at all.

Well done OP. Bet he's looking a bit less smug now, cocklodging sod.

Write down for him a list of social housing contacts and refuges. Give him a set time to leave the house by. Call a friend for support to sit with you until he has gone. Then call a locksmith and get him to change the locks. Do not leave the house for him to get his stuff under any circumstances.

If he refuses to go then call the police for breach of the peace and having a friend there as a witness will help.

In no way at all get upset or angry. Keep calm at all times and just keep repeating the same thing. Could I also suggest having a different friend/relative come and collect your little one for the morning until its all over and done with.

When will you kick off the 6 week process?

Has he gone yet op? I really hope that you are sitting in your house without that total waste of space of a "d"p.

Hey. Can you get some legal advice? Maybe dramatic but no harm having some knowledge should he refuse to leave etc. considering you pay for everything you'd think he would leave.

Hope you're ok OP, let us know when you can x