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Original poster

Would I be bonkers to have another baby?

25 replies

WildBelle · 27/12/2016 02:51

This is all hypothetical at the moment because it's still early days in the relationship, but I think it's only fair to make my position clear to my bf.

I have 2 dc, one of 12 and one 6, with different fathers. First one, I was young and although it didn't work out with her dad we still get on and he is involved. Second one, her dad is a horrible abusive evil man, and I have court orders preventing him from coming anywhere near us. Anyway, have spent the last few years recovering from all that and managing on my own, and a couple of months ago got together with an old friend.

I know it's the honeymoon stage but seriously, I have to pinch myself to believe anyone that fantastic could come into my life. He is great in every way. the slight catch, if there was going to be one, is that he doesn't have kids and would really like one of his own. He is 44 and I am 35. He was married and his wife was infertile, they went through 5 years of hell with ivf with no joy and it's what tore them apart.

I had thought that I was well and truly done with the baby days, but I know that if things work out (and it looks bloody promising right now), he would really like a baby at some point. Part of me would like the experience of having a baby with someone I really love, who would be supportive and involved (I know he would be, he really loves kids). But at the same time the thought of doing it all again, especially as it wouldn't be happening for another year or two I guess, sends me into a bit of a panic. I've spent most of my life, since 22, caring for kids, and I'm just about to finish my degree. I thought now was the time to get on with having a career, as the kids are getting more and more independent.

Has anyone got any similar experiences?

OP posts:

Cricrichan · 27/12/2016 03:34

I think it's time for you. You're about to finish your degree and like you said, you've been caring for children most of your adult life and had to deal with an abusive ex.

Don't even think about kids at this stage. Enjoy your relationship and starting your career and see where it all goes. I'd only have another child if I really wanted another one, not for somebody else.

BitOfFun · 27/12/2016 03:38

Yes, it would be quite unwise at this point.

Ineedmorelemonpledge · 27/12/2016 03:50

Yes it would be unwise for you, but I can see your dilemma, he is very keen and I guess the clock is ticking for you both with regards to pregnancy and parenthood.

I guess the pressure is that you know he desperately wants a child, and your fertility to him is a proven thing.

If you agreed to wait a few years you'd be giving birth at nearly 40, which means you'd still have a child to support when he is in retirement, and you approaching it, and this could put a strain on any future plans you may have for career and earning potential.

Also a risk to you is that getting pregnant in your early stages of a relationship, not really seeing how he deals with it, and you split means you could add such complication to your life managing two sets of coparents and three children alone.

I think the only thing you can do is have a really frank cards on the table discussion about it, so he understands your fears.

TheNaze73 · 27/12/2016 10:22

To even be considering another child, with someone you've been with. 2 months, is just weird

Hercules12 · 27/12/2016 10:26

I think it's a bad idea, sorry. You need to build your career. 2 months is too soon. You need to know you can support yourself and the two dc you have in the future rather than risk having another child to support.

Purplebluebird · 27/12/2016 10:29

I'm afraid I too think it would be a bit bonkers, and not a great idea. You've not been together that long, and you need some time to get your own life going I think. If he loves you, he will stick with you and enjoy your kid's company as if they were his own.

Original poster

WildBelle · 27/12/2016 10:29

We are being VERY careful not to get pregnant at the moment so there's not much danger of that happening. I have said to him that I wouldn't rule it out, which is true, but that's about as far as the discussion has gone at the moment.

I have been feeling super broody lately, which isn't helping. I know that's a hormonal/biological thing though rather than a rational thing!

OP posts:

category12 · 27/12/2016 10:30

I think it's a little concerning that you are thinking in terms of dropping what you want out of life as soon as a nice bloke walks into it with other ideas.

Original poster

WildBelle · 27/12/2016 10:31

Just to reiterate - there is no way I would think about ttc for a good while yet, it is far too early days. I am just thinking that given his age, and the fact that he 100% wants a child, if it's not something I'm up for, he needs to know that.

OP posts:

Original poster

WildBelle · 27/12/2016 10:34

Thing is category - I'm not really sure what I do want out of life. I have been studying for the last 4 years but still don't really know what I want to do at the end of it.

OP posts:

category12 · 27/12/2016 10:38

Yes, it is something that needs to be clear between you for a long-term relationship.

But y'know, for you the stakes are far higher - because you could potentially end up having a baby and the relationship failing - and there you are back to square one, single parent, limited choices.

For him, welllll, Mick Jagger fathered at child recently at 70-odd.

So only if you absolutely want to have a baby should you do that. Not because he wants one and it'd be nice to 'get it right' this time with a nicer partner. But because another child is what you want.

BubbleFairy · 27/12/2016 10:39

I think it's sensible to have these inner conversations now. It wouldn't be fair to know he wants children, be with him two years, and then bring up that you don't. You need to be honest now if you can (though of course decisions can change!)

Personally I said no more and my DP is also adament no more. But he has one and I have two. They're all over eight. I'm only mid thirties and we have been together four years, but for me I've done my child bit.

Have you chatted to your boyfriend about it?

category12 · 27/12/2016 10:42

Thing is category - I'm not really sure what I do want out of life. I have been studying for the last 4 years but still don't really know what I want to do at the end of it

Yes, but isn't this just stepping away from that problem and going back to what you know, ie. child-rearing? It's fine if what you want is that family thing, but you were happily finished with all that, until he came into it. I dunno, I just feel you might be a bit scared and rudderless, but maybe it isn't better to give him the steering. Maybe it is. It requires more thought and longer than 2 months of loved-up ness.

Original poster

WildBelle · 27/12/2016 10:49

We haven't really discussed it much except for me saying I wouldn't rule it out.

And yes, I am aware that I have various anxieties about starting a career and maybe child rearing is my comfort zone. I had thought I was done with babies, but maybe I thought that because I was on my own for a long time and didn't feasibly see, given my situation, that that was likely to change.

OP posts:

FourToTheFloor · 27/12/2016 11:05

Yes you would. But I think you'll do it because I think you want another dc.

What happens if he turns out not to be so nice. Could you handle being a single parent to 3? That's just what I would be thinking. You say infertility tore his marriage apart but I'd be weary of that.

Cricrichan · 27/12/2016 11:22

You've been studying for 4 years and you may not know what you want to do but that's because you've not tried. If it does turn out that he only wants to be with you if you have kids with him (which is totally his prerogative) then he may not be the man for you because you're at such different stages in life.

You're still young enough to get a really good and interesting career. In your new job you will probably meet new people and other men who may be better suited to you. This is an exciting time for you, don't waste your chance and hard work.

Original poster

WildBelle · 27/12/2016 11:33

I don't think he only wants to be with me to have a child, he was seeing a woman in the summer who had 4 kids and was in her mid forties, so definitely didn't want anymore. It was her that ended it with him, he'd hoped they had a future. So I don't think it's a deal breaker for him, although he would really like it to happen.

OP posts:

Frankelly66 · 28/12/2016 08:19

I'd put it back onto him, I'd explain to him it's very very unlikely you will have another baby and he needs to decide if he wants to stay with you baby less. I couldn't even imagine having a baby with someone I hadn't been with for years and years.

JustHavinABreak · 28/12/2016 17:41

I'm going to go against the grain here and say that having another child with someone you love, someone who wants to parent with you, could be an amazing addition to your life. You seem to be thinking along the same lines in that you haven't closed any doors on it. As regards your own studies, you're young. Children don't have to put a stop to anything. I am due my third and I'm busier with my stuff and theirs than I've ever been. We don't tend to regret the things we do actually do, just the things we didn't.

hoddtastic · 28/12/2016 17:48

so six months ago he was with someone else who ditched him- and now you, after 8 weeks are planning to chuck it all in and have a baby maybe?

I really don't understand grown women who make such daft plans in the first flushes of lust. You have 2 kids, and this will sound harsh, time you grew up a bit no? Did you not learn anything from past disasters? Has he not either?

Mix56 · 28/12/2016 17:53

hoddtastic speaks very good sense

SandyY2K · 28/12/2016 18:03

I don't think you'd be bonkers under the circumstances at all.

In a second relationship, it's normal for there to be a larger age gap between siblings. If I were in your position, what I'd be wanting (when the time gets closer) is reassurances of him being very hands on with childcare.

It's all well and good men wanting kids, but them being prepared to wake up in the night and all the rest are the real test.

I do know that once my DC were a certain age, I didn't want any more though. I felt like I'd gotten my freedom back.

SingingSeal · 28/12/2016 18:05

What hoddtastic said. he sounds like he's happy to land "wherever" (is convenient?) and then pick up sticks and move on quicker than you can turn round. You'll be a single parent for a third time with another absent or evil father. After 2 months you just know you love him and he loves you and he would be a fantastic parent. Really? Do you think that kind of wishful thinking got you into the situation you are in with father no. 1, and no. 2 (who turned out to be abusive and evil, your words).

lucymeadows · 28/12/2016 18:46

Yes you would be bonkers. A third child with a third father just as you're finishing your degree? Do you not see that this would cause you social and financial problems? You need to focus on your career, build some security and get on in life. A man walks into your life 2 months ago and you immediately start thinking babies. Is part of it you trying to fulfill the Calvin Klein ad fantasy of perfect man and perfect baby in a perfect world? You haven't had that yet and maybe unconsciously you're trying to fulfill a fantasy that doesn't exist. It's more important to be stable in your own right than start changing tack yet again.

SilentBatperson · 28/12/2016 18:54

This is not something you even need to be thinking seriously about for at least another year.

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