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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

is he messing me around?

14 replies

tigersbuddy · 27/12/2016 01:59

I feel really confused.....I will try to hero this short.
I have been with my boyfriend for 3 years and have children from a previous relationship. I adore my bf. He is like my best friend and is really great for my children.
My family "like" him but think he is messing me around and that after 3 years he isn't taking the relationship seriously enough.

He stayed over Christmas eve and was about on Christmas day. In the afternoon we went our separate ways to visit our own families.
Today he came to my mums where I was, stayed for about an hour then left because he was going out with mates tonight. I was a little disappointed that he didn't stay longer and usually he would tell me before hand if he was going out with friends but I just got on with it. My family are very loud and he really struggles when everyone is all together......I think to an outsider it must be quite overbearing at times but my sisters partner spent the entirety of his time by.my sisters side and my other sisters partner was about quite a bit too.

Me and my boyfriend can spend days apart and think nothing more of it......it's just the way things are. I want him to move in.....he isn't so keen so I haven't forced it.
My family think he is taking the piss and enjoying a family life when it suits him then toddling off back to his bachelor pad when it gets too much. They don't understand why things aren't moving forwards.

From my point of view I love him and want to get married abd live together so eventually it will happen.....I do feel there has been a reluctance on his part so I have just been getting on with life regardless and hoping eventually he will get his head around it all......and I honestly do think he will......he's just had relationships fall apart in the past and wants to do things at a slow pace.

I feel confused by everything my family have been saying. I know they only have my best interests at heart but I don't know now of I'm being a pushover.

OP posts:

Original poster

tigersbuddy · 27/12/2016 02:01

Excuse the spelling errors.....my phone is driving me nuts with auto correct.

OP posts:

RedastheRose · 27/12/2016 02:36

No real advice tbh, just that this is your relationship not your relatives! If you feel that it needs to move forward and are too frightened to push it then maybe they are right and you need to sit down for a talk with your bf but if you are content with things ATM then it's your life.

Starsandcars9 · 27/12/2016 02:40

Have you asked him what he wants?

ChocolateCakeandSprinkles · 27/12/2016 02:42

This isn't your families relationship it is yours.

He probably should have stayed more than an hour but as someone with social anxiety I get how things can get overwhelming.

What do you really want? Think about it and then have a really honest conversation with him about what you want, what he wants and are you on the same page? If you are great, if not, can you get on the same page with a compromise and time scales or do you need to call it a day!

TheStoic · 27/12/2016 04:50

In my relationship, I'm like your boyfriend. He would move in with me tomorrow, I like my space for now but plan to so when the time is right for both of us.

I'd be mighty pissed off if his family were dripping poison in his ear, claiming to know my feelings and intentions better than I do.

Original poster

tigersbuddy · 27/12/2016 09:15

We have had lots of open discussions about our future. I know he is thinking about our future and he wants one......just in his own time.
we have talked about moving in together but he is reluctant for a few reasons. He feels my house is my house and that he wouldn't feel comfortable living there......he would like us to get somewhere together. Logistically that's a little more complicated because I am in a council house and refuse to give up my tenancy. I have been looking for propertys to swap to but again it's not as easy as it sounds. I also want to be in a better position financially before we live together as I will be worse off.......even with him paying half of the bills as I will lose all of my tax credits. I have always been independent with money and don't want to have to rely on him to pay my bills etc.

I'm not going to lie I did think by now we would be a little further along than we are. I do find it a bit frustrating that he just goes back to his for days on end because I love having him around and managing the kids is always easier when there are two adults around but I also love the time we do spend together. We laugh so much and I feel so relaxed and at ease with him.
He's a good guy and my family can see that......they just think we should be living together by now.
I guess I don't do myself any favours because when there is a problem I talk to them about it.....then when this sort of thing happens they use it against me and say that he is backtracking or stringing me along. I don't for one moment think he is cheating on me because he simply isn't that kind of person.

I guess it's kind of hard when 3 people gang up on you and are saying very negative stuff about the person you love. It does cause you to question stuff. Our relationship is by no means perfect but I think it's pretty good.

OP posts:

TheNaze73 · 27/12/2016 10:03

You're letting the negativity from your family influence your thinking.

He's doing nothing wrong

ChocolateCakeandSprinkles · 27/12/2016 10:17

If your happy with the situation and so is he, and you have your own plan and time-scales, then sod what the family think. You should also be able to air the odd concern without it being thrown back at you.

As long as you keep having open honest conversations with him about how you feel and find some compromises along the way then you need to ignore the family comments.

Silverdream · 27/12/2016 11:18

It sounds like the time isn't right for either of you. You can't be further along if you don't want to change your financial and housing arrangements. It actually sounds like it's going along fine but other people are making you doubt your situation. Relationships don't fit into a set box it's what works for you as a couple.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 27/12/2016 11:54

You're your own worst enemy OP. Why are you talking to your family about your relationship concerns? I find that odd because it's something I would never, ever do. My relationship is the business of my husband - and me - and nobody else.

They're not even assessing what you're telling them with any accuracy, they're putting a mother-spin, sister-opinion, brother-thought, random-uncle-caution, based on their own experiences with other people, onto your relationship. What else do you expect?

I think you need to talk about timescales with your boyfriend (and nobody else) and be at peace with your relationship and what you both agree it is - and will be. Then if and when instances of him leaving your family events earlier crop up, you won't be at the mercy of your family putting their oars in and spooking you. You do need to stop blabbing to them though, that's on you. Don't give them the information then they can't use it.

Original poster

tigersbuddy · 27/12/2016 12:12

I suffer from anxiety problems so wjen they start doubting the relationship then it sends my head into overdrive.
My previous relationship was pretty vole and changed me. I feel I constantly have to justify everything to everyone......I've really tried to change that but I find it very hard.....so it's not that I go blabbing......when people start questioning things it just sends me back to that place. My boyfriend gets that and he talks to his mum about aspects of our relationship when he wants another perspective. We are both very close to our mums.

I feel a lot better having had other people say they don't think there is a problem and I also think we will have moved in together in the next year when things are right for us. I don't want to risk it then end up ruining things,especially as my children really like him and look at him as a father figure. It would be detrimental to all of us.

OP posts:

TheNaze73 · 27/12/2016 12:21

Glad you can see that OP

Only two people's opinions count here. His & yours

Bluntness100 · 27/12/2016 12:30

Hmm, well he doesn't want to move in with you, he wants to get a joint place, that's understandable, you don't want to move out of yours, so I'm not sure you can question why you don't live together.

I think you feel insecure about your future with him as you are exercising understandable caution over your home.

You say you want to get married to him "so it will happen". I find that strange, it takes two and he is only making the right noises just now, as are you.

Time to sit down and talk I think.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 27/12/2016 12:38

OP, if you're close to your mum then perhaps you can get her on side and say something like, "Mum, when I tell you things, it's really helpful to get your perspective and I value it a lot but I don't really want the others chipping in because it feels like an attack and makes me uneasy", or something like that.

It's one thing for you to share confidences with your mum but I think it's asking for trouble to do so with the whole family when they're so keen to voice their opinions about your relationship.

Nobody here can say what your relationship is like, we've had the highlights/lowlights/anything in between from what you've posted, and that's all.

With your family, just be mindful in what you're saying and whom you're saying it to. Hope it all works out as you want it to. :)

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