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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Scared to tell my husband I want a divorce

24 replies

sodonesooverit · 26/12/2016 22:38

Together 8 years, 2 small dc

Has pretty much been EA since first dc was born. Everything is always my fault, and I make him behave that way....if only I wasn't so fucking annoying then he wouldn't have to shout you know? Have been isolated from family and friends.

Have finally had enough, and the thought of having another Christmas like this one has had me in tears numerous times over the weekend. He's catching on that I've had enough because he's turning it all round to how horrid I am to him, and that I speak to him like shit (I do tell him I am only responding in the way I am being talked too - he grumped/moaned/griped 12 times before Christmas dinner, I counted), so he's the victim.

But I'm terrified to tell him that I want a divorce. I almost want to get my mum to come and be in the house when I do it. I have alluded to her the current situation. How do I even start the conversation?

He's been married and divorced before. It was all his ex wifes fault apparently but I suspect very much now that it wasn't.

The fear is in a strange way a welcome emotion because I have pretty much felt numb for months and months

OP posts:

myoriginal3 · 26/12/2016 22:39

Get your mum.

mnpeasantry · 26/12/2016 22:40

I've no idea or advice but just wanted to say best of luck. You sound strong and resolute and like you are making a fantastic decision for yourself and your children.

jeaux90 · 26/12/2016 22:45

Get your mum if it helps you feel safe when telling him xxx

pog100 · 26/12/2016 22:46

If your mum is likely to be useful then use her services. Anything that gives you the strength to do what you know is the right thing.

JoeyJoeJoeJuniorShabadu · 26/12/2016 22:49

Get your mum to be there when you tell him.
Could you go stay with her for a while, or get someone to help you kick him out?

Ohdearducks · 26/12/2016 22:52

Absolutely get real life support to do it, if that means having your mum there than do it. Good luck OP well done for finding your Enough switch!

HeddaGarbled · 26/12/2016 22:58

You need to do some planning before you tell him. Are you going to move out or are you expecting him to? Or do you think you will be safe living together while you go through the divorce?

Original poster

sodonesooverit · 26/12/2016 23:01

Mum's not local but will come in a flash if I ask. I'm self employed but take on limited work due to childcare and husbands attitude to my work. Will be emailing solicitors this week to pick up with in the New Year. Planning on getting him out of the house at some point so I can get marriage certificates/birth certificates sorted.

He's depressed (but won't seek help) and claims to be suicidal (or says me and the kids will kill him with the stress we cause)...I KNOW this is an empty threat but there is always the what if that if I do end it, he will go and do something stupid.

OP posts:

Original poster

sodonesooverit · 26/12/2016 23:01

House is in his name. I honestly don't know - he will either completely and utterly make my life a living hell, or will see sense and try to work through it for the children.

OP posts:

JoeyJoeJoeJuniorShabadu · 26/12/2016 23:06

Well, you cant carry on as you are.

in my experience, the ones who threaten suicide never follow through on it.
the ones who kill themselves never say a word beforehand.

tell your mum asap.

cauliflowercheese14 · 26/12/2016 23:10

Yes get support from your mum (and don't listen to his suicide threats).

Good luck, your future life will be so much better.

Original poster

sodonesooverit · 26/12/2016 23:14

No, I can't. We haven't had sex for nearly 3 years either with very little affection initiated by him.

I keep on remembering things he has done and wondering why the hell has it taken me so long? I was pregnant the second time and became unwell on a weekend, I got shouted at because he'd have to drive me to hospital....because I chose to become unwell then.....dc1 woke up every 45 minutes all night every night for weeks on end, and he'd wake me at 5.30 to shout at me that he had no clean socks....even before we were married he was a c*nt, god I was stupid.....

DC2 was 6 weeks old and I asked to seperate - that seemed to give him a shock but it soon reverted back and he throws that in my face now

You are all too kind

OP posts:

sorryoldwoman · 26/12/2016 23:20

Please leave that man I was married to such a man. People told me he like to make me feel bad cause he disliked himself. He then started putting my child down and making her cry so that was the end. Have your mom there and tell him.

Original poster

sodonesooverit · 26/12/2016 23:32

I can see how I feel inside written across my childrens faces when he shouts at them and I cannot let them live like this

OP posts:

jeaux90 · 26/12/2016 23:37

No you can't. You can't and your dc can't.
People don't change so don't even consider that. You need to leave.

I did and honestly I click my heels still 6 years on. Big hug and be strong xxx

springydaffs · 26/12/2016 23:46

Call Womens Aid 0808 2000 247 (call at night if you can) or your local WA office . They will advise and support you all the way, giving you a plan to get you and the children out safely.

They will also give you legal advise eg you say the house is in his name but you're married so it's a joint asset.

I strongly recommend you get WA onside because, sorry to say this, leaving an abuser is a dangerous time. He may not have hurt or harmed you in the past but there's no saying what he could do when he realises he's lost control of you.

Take no notice of his suicide threats or the 'depression' shit. He's 'depressed' because he can't control you completely and utterly.

If you find it hard to do it for you, do it for your kids sweetie. Be canny and sly to get out safely xx

Original poster

sodonesooverit · 27/12/2016 08:47

Thank you. Is there anything I should be reading/doing now? Have managed not to cry so far today which is an improvement on yesterday!

OP posts:

tipsytrifle · 27/12/2016 09:16

Is there a chance you and dc could remove yourselves to your dm's before you tell him? Please get advice as advised by springydaffs

TheNaze73 · 27/12/2016 12:07

No thoughts or anything to offer, other than good luck

PaperdollCartoon · 27/12/2016 12:11

Good luck you're absolutely doing the right thing. Definitely get your mum to come, or go to her if you can

LunaWeaselton · 27/12/2016 12:20

Can you talk to his ex wife and find out how she got out?

RunRabbitRunRabbit · 27/12/2016 12:28

Don't tell him you want a divorce until you've got all your ducks in a row.

If you can bear it, pretend you are back in your box, hide your new bolshiness while you find out the facts and make your plans.

Make an appointment with a solicitor, preferably one who specialises in abuse.

Original poster

sodonesooverit · 27/12/2016 12:56

They got divorced over 15 years ago, I don't know who she is bar her first name. He says she had an affair but she filed against him. I think I'll need to play nice for now till I'm sorted. I've told a real life friend as well now

OP posts:

Heatherjayne1972 · 27/12/2016 18:11

Take everything important you can think of out the house beforehand. Birth certificates passport marriage license driving license bank statements
Anything valuable or cherished - get in first
You can do this. You'll be ok

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