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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Signs of affair

46 replies

Nicpem1982 · 26/12/2016 21:07

I suspect a friend is having an affair.

She's been married for 6 years and had a dd. There have been some dramatic changes in some areas in her life and I'm wondering about the motivation.

She's recently started a new hobby and has a new friend (male) there and since this hobby started she has done the following;

changed her appearance dramatically dropped 4 dress sizes and started wearing make up and having her hair done

Started to stay out until midnight 4 night a week drinking with new friend her dh has their dd and when he's working away they have a babysitter

Been on 3 weekends away with said friend (hobby related business) and shared a double room

Went out for a celebration meal at swanky restaurant for her bday with friend

Friend went shopping and bought her pretty underwear and clothes

Had cosy night on the sofa with champers and take away and stayed the night

Friend says there's nothing going on and they're just friends and I'm reading too much into things problem is im friends with her dh too

OP posts:

GnomeDePlume · 27/12/2016 07:47

If the friend is straight then it is quite possible that your female friend is blindly walking into a situation which could get very awkward for her.

I am not saying that it is impossible for men and women to be friends but that level of friendship between men and women tends to have built up over many years. For that level of friendship to have built up so quickly would suggest to me that the new friend thinks he is starting a romantic relationship.

It may be innocent (but a bit naive) on your female friend's part but the new friend might be looking for something more.

TheNaze73 · 27/12/2016 08:50

I think it's quite obvious from what you've written you like her DH. Has anything ever happened between you two?

sonjadog · 27/12/2016 09:14

I´ve been in a similar position to you, OP, and I found it very difficult to deal with too. It´s all very well saying to mind your own business, but I found it very hard to meet her husband and chat normally to him, knowing that his wife was spending all her time with another man.

What I ended up doing, was backing off from the whole situation. I realized that I just couldn´t be close friends with someone who was behaving like my friend was, and left her to it. I didn´t end the friendship so we were still friendly when we met, but I stopped making any effort. It was absolutely the right decision for me to make.

sonjadog · 27/12/2016 09:15

My friend also changed personality radically when the whole thing started. She became very self-centered and quite arrogant and spiteful about other people. So it wasn´t a bit loss to back off from the friendship.

Original poster

Nicpem1982 · 27/12/2016 09:19

Thenaze - no nothing has or would ever happen, I couldn't do that to my dh the deceit would kill me.

Sonja - thank you for your advice I think it may be the way to go

OP posts:

AnyFucker · 27/12/2016 18:55

You do fancy him then ?

Good call, guys

roodie · 27/12/2016 18:59

IF there's something going on I'd say she's doing you a favour by not telling you.

If this were my friend though, my first thought would be that she's just enjoying the new found confidence that came with her weightloss

Original poster

Nicpem1982 · 27/12/2016 19:04

Anyfucker - as previously stated no I don't fancy him. Do u like him? Yes he's a nice man funny and works hard for his family.

I couldn't get involved with anyone else outside my relationship with my dh I couldn't do that to my dh.

I believe that affairs are fundamentally wrong and if this is what my friend is doing it disgusts me. The damage that it would do to her dh and dc doesn't bare thinking about.

I can only assume the cries of "you're only bothered because you fancy her dh" are from people that are more than happy to engage in extra marital activities trying to make themselves feel better

OP posts:

BubblingUp · 27/12/2016 19:18

If she does confess the affair to you, then what do you do? Another tough decision - go tell her DH or not? It would just be better to not know for sure. The DH may not care anyway or he may suspect it and may want to live in blissful denial, too.

RebelRogue · 27/12/2016 20:52

Well you seem to have made up your mind,and since your friend disgusts you(let's face you just wanted confirmation) there's no point in continuing the friendship.
Just out of curiosity what would you do if you knew for sure? Tell the husband?

Original poster

Nicpem1982 · 27/12/2016 20:56

Rebel - I don't know what I'd do probably keep my distance for a while

OP posts:

roodie · 27/12/2016 21:03

Blimey, OP, your thinking is very simplistic and I'm not surprised your friend chooses different confidantes. You sound like you'd be in favour of sharia law. It's possible to believe that people should try and be faithful and avoid causing others pain without feeling ''disgusted''.

SandyY2K · 27/12/2016 21:16

I'm getting irritated with this none of your business crap here. If it wasn't her business, her mate wouldn't tell her jack.

Does her husband know all the Information you do? The room sharing, the underwear etc. Has she told you not to tell him? Because if it's innocent she won't mind right?

If he knows and he's ok with it, then it's up to them. But I very much doubt any husband would be cool with that.

No male platonic friend buys a woman underwear, unless he's got a romantic interest in her. Does she take you for a fool or something?

I'd be insulted if a friend or so called friend expected me to believe all that. She's feeding you the info, because she may need you down the line or she's so excited she has to say a few tidbits to someone.

If her DH bought a woman underwear, would she be fine with that?

SandyY2K · 27/12/2016 21:18

OP,

Sorry about the non supportive and crazy comments you're getting. I do shake my head at times with posters here.

Now you fancy her DH!!! Ludicrous.

Original poster

Nicpem1982 · 27/12/2016 21:34

Sandy - I don't think her dh knows the level of detail i.e. The room sharing and underwear but she hasn't asked me not to tell him either. I get the distinct impression from this and previous conversations that we've had re her hobby that her dh thinks that there's a group of people when she sees this friend.

I would not be happy if my dh bought another woman underwear and I re the responses I'm getting on here I wonder what the responses would look like if a poster put that her dh was behaving as my friend is.

Roodie- if you're unhappy enough in a relationship to engage in an affair then you should have walked away along time ago. Having a robust set of morals doesn't mean I have simplistic views or am a bad friend.

OP posts:

GnomeDePlume · 27/12/2016 21:42

I am not sure why the OP is being attacked here. Her friend has shared this information with her and as a result to a greater or lesser extent has involved the OP.

My experience of people having affairs is that they lie constantly to everybody. Big lies and little lies. The big lies will be to those closest to them but the little lies will be to friends, work colleagues etc.

It is possible that the friend was telling the OP all this as a way of finding out if her claims of 'it's all perfectly innocent' would wash with anyone. It is also a way of making friends complicit and bringing them onside in case the friend's husband is starting to have doubts.

AleHouseWench · 27/12/2016 22:02

Isn't this place just full of two faced fuckers!!

If it were the man doing the potential cheating here then the replies would be very very different!!

Of course though, OP definitely fancies the friends DH

LoveforPGTipsMonkey · 28/12/2016 01:59

Sandy, exactly! am gobsmacked at posters who think OP 'doesn't know it's an affair' - how more obvious can it be? I thought it as some sort reverse post at worst. Buying underwear, dinners one to one, staying till midnight 3 times a week? Losing 4 dress sizes? she sounds crazily in love/lust!
and friend made it OP's concern by telling her all this.
I suspect she is possibly wanting to leave her marriage - and for that get someone spill all to her H as she has no courage herself. Knowing OP's good morals, that may be the reason she chose her.

SandyY2K · 28/12/2016 04:43

It's the MN double standard of course.

Her husband probably trusts her and doesn't suspect anything.

GnomeDePlume · 28/12/2016 04:58

LoveforPGTipsMonkey, I doubt the friend wants the OP to do anything. The friend is just setting the scene.

The biggest lie I have seen repeated by people having affairs is the one where they fell in love in totally innocent circumstances, that this was a bolt from the blue and they couldnt help themselves, their eyes just met across the potter's wheel or whatever the hobby is.

In reality the OP's friend is on the pull. Women are every bit as capable as men of being liars and cheats. It is disgusting. If my DH had an affair I would be disgusted at him. If I had an affair I would be disgusted at myself.

Sadly Nicpem1982, I dont think there is anything you can do. It is a car crash waiting to happen.

PaterPower · 30/12/2016 01:06

She's having an affair. It's just not credible to think otherwise, and I'm sorry that your "friend" (she's not, to put you in this position) has decided to dribble these details out to you.

You can't really win in this situation, but if the husband is a friend then I'd be inclined to tell him (or ask your husband to have a quiet word). Sharing a double room with, or accepting gifts like underwear from, a third party is not acceptable behaviour when in a committed relationship and he needs to know.

Yes, you may lose her "friendship" (but then who'd miss it?) and possibly his too, but he deserves to know what's been going on so he can decide whether it's salvageable or to get out.

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