BIL and his wife don't like me

[MeadowHay]

I've always thought that BIL doesn't like me and we have had two small arguments in the past but they were nothing major and were like 4-5 years ago. DH always insists he does like me. BIL and DH are not that close because BIL doesn't make much effort to keep in contact with DH (we live in different cities). DH and I came back to our home city for the Xmas period as DH managed to get some time off work for it, DH contacted BIL about meeting up over Xmas and BIL said he wouldn't have time to see him unless he could swap one of his shifts (bearing in mind he has a number of days off...). Anyway BIL managed to swap the shift so invited DH to go round to his house. BIL got married in summer and moved into the house with his wife a few months before the marriage, DH has been over there a couple of times but I've never been invited. DH suggested that BIL invite their cousins round as well - they are all male and younger than BIL and DH. I thought that was nice for them to have a day together. DH went and spent the day there, but then I found out that in fact BIL's wife was also there (not a big deal as it's her house and she finished work early), BIL had also invited his auntie and uncle with the baby girl cousin, as well as the partner of the only other cousin who has a partner and they're a few years younger and have been together about a year and are both at uni elsewhere normally. So basically everybody else was invited except for me. DH didn't tell me, I found out via photos posted online, I was obviously very upset and also upset that DH didn't call him out on it or anything.

DH is meeting up with BIL tomorrow and says he will talk to BIL about it tomorrow but I don't really see the point. I mean it happened, it was days ago, so if DH had been so bothered surely he would have brought it up at the time? And I don't want them to have yet another argument that will be pointless. DH said it is important so it doesn't happen again in the future, but I can't see it happening again anyway as we don't even live in the same city so don't see them that often and they rarely invite anyone over to their house anyway from the family, and even if they did invite me in future realistically I wouldn't want to go after being publicly humiliated like that.

Should DH still talk to BIL? What should I do in future if I am invited to BIL & his wife's house (unlikely lol)? I'm not going to argue with them or anything but I am very very hurt and feel like I've been snubbed so badly and in a really nasty way.

I can see you're upset but I really don't see why it matters IF your BIL doesn't like you - and maybe he does, anyway. People shouldn't expect to be liked by everyone. Do you like everyone you've met? It doesn't have to be an insult, unless you choose to see it that way. We cannot like everyone we know - we have different viewpoints, expectations, etc. As long as there are some people who DO like you, that's fine.

Is it not worth him finding out why you were not invited first? And why didn't your husband call you when he saw that other 'women' were there and the vaginas were indeed allowed through the doors? He is the one that needed to call you and get you there really.

When my DH is invited anywhere, that automatically includes me. I don't understand why you are assuming this invitation was the same as that but you chose not to go. You probably could have gone. Don't sweat it if you hardly ever see them.

I wouldn't see it as you being "humiliated". Perhaps your BIL didn't think it would be such a big deal to you?

It was your DH who suggested inviting the cousins, and they probably just assumed partners were welcome?

Also the gender of the people invited seems important to you, why is that?

From the tone of your post it does sound as if your BIL cant do anything right in your eyes.

I think you may be overreacting a fair bit. I often see my sister without my BIL present and never is it intended as a snub. Why didnt you go with him? He may have not expected to have to give you an individual invitation. Did he say to your DH specifically to not bring you along?

Does it matter really?
I wouldn't give a flying fuck tbh, certainly wouldn't expect dh to tackle someone about it.
Tell him to not bother, it's not important in the grand scheme is it?

Let your husband talk to him . Are you sure that you wasn't invited ?

Maintain your dignity. You look desperate and a bit sad if you demand an invite.

They can do what they want and behave how they want, you will be polite and kind. Also, did you really want to go? Wasn't whatever you did better than being with them?

I don't like my bil (on one side) or SIL (other side) and couldn't give a tiny shiny shit about what they think of me - it's very liberating op

Well if your instinct is correct, the he doesn't like you, I'd say this sort of arrangement is a god send.

Personality clashes happen. Doesn't make you, or him, horrible people. Just people who rub each other the wrong way

This way DH gets to continue to have a realtionship with his brother and the extended family, that doesn't hinge on you feeling you have to show up and suck up being around people you don't particularly gel with.

I'd have bloody loved that. It can be a lot more tense and unpleasant when people fixate on "but family&spouses must be together" and arm twist people who don't particularly like each each other into close proximity.

I've never really worried about why BIL and SIL didn't like me. I'm very different from them. Not everybody in the universe is going to be wowed by my attributes and characteristics. As long as I am not being expected to spend time in the company of people who reject me like a baby spitting out creamed parsnips... it's all good.

Varied responses!

I don't mind that DH saw BIL and his cousins without me obviously, I assumed that's exactly what was happening so left him to it, thought it would be nice for them to all catch up. All of them are male anyway you see and the age ranges is 13-BIL who is the eldest at mid 20s. I'm just upset that other members of the family were invited as well as a cousin's partner but I wasn't . And no he definitely didn't assume I would be coming - they have never invited me to their house, I've never been there, and why would they assume I was coming when it was just going to be a group of young lads together? As someone else said I definitely don't automatically assume I should always be at DH's side, if he wants to go and spend some time with his cousins that's great and I don't assume I should be tagging along, I'm not sure why anyone would assume they should? But I would expect an invite if everyone else in the family was invited along with their partners, and yes I would like to go in that case, because I enjoy spending time with DH's family, I get on very well with most of his family and really like them. Plus I particularly would have enjoyed seeing the toddler as obviously living in another city I don't get to see her much.

I agree that I don't think he should bring it up with BIL though as it's just aggro for nothing.

And as you may have already gathered I have mental health problems so I'm totally aware that I probably massively overreacted, and that this is what drives my desire to be liked by everyone no doubt fuelled by being bullied all through my adolescence. But that's obv my issue not BIL's so I agree that actually I'm probs being too harsh about him. Thanks for pointing that out to me and I will try and reassess that definitely as that's not going to help anything regardless of what he thinks of me.

I think for mental health reasons, just remember that it is much better to be on your own than with people who do not recognise the glory of you. Their loss. .