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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Partner is a mummys boy?

22 replies

EFarsons · 25/12/2016 22:07

So i've been with my partner since we were 17, we're 24 now. He proposed to me when we were about 20-21 and I said yes. He's never spoke of wedding plans or anything. We both still live at home with our parents, i'm currently trying to save a mortgage deposit but I would love to live with him, whether that's renting or buying. We both work full time and could afford to.

Every year since we've got together it's always been something he's said we'll do 'next year.' It was only when I confronted him about a year ago, he said he didn't want to move out. Which obviously devastated me and i've not really been able to shake the thought since. We argued a couple of weeks ago and he revealed he was going to repropose to me for christmas, with a ring this time. Whenever I ask him why he won't move he just says he doesn't want to but he does want to get married, move and have kids in the future. Says he loves me and I am 'the one' for him. I asked what reproposing meant, whether we could set a date and he said yes. I asked with what money? (he has debts) and he said "people can be engaged for years and years." Yet again just reinforcing what i've been concerned about. He asked me mid argument if he wasn't ready in 2 years what i'd do, and when I said it'd be over he got upset. He argues whether I leave him or not I still can't move out so why don't I stay with him until he's ready basically.

When we argue, he says we'll look at flats in the new year. But as soon as the arguments over, he goes back to happy how he was. His mum cleans his room, does all his washing for him still. He doesn't drive or really have any independence. I have stopped doing his washing for him and am instead taking it back to his house. At my birthday meal my mum asked his mum about the engagement, and said to her surely he should move out with me before a wedding. Apparently she brushed off the moving out and spoke about the wedding. His mum has been a bit pushy about having a baby aswell lately which I find completely bizarre when we have no place to even raise a baby!!!

I have been debating leaving but it's very hard as we've been together so long and other than all this I am besotted with him but I am scared he will never change. I have told him I don't want to wait. I just am looking for some advice or experience really. I feel so trapped because I love him but i'm scared nothing will ever change and i'll still be waiting for him in 5 years time.

OP posts:

expatinscotland · 25/12/2016 22:17

Do NOT fall for the fallacy of sunken costs. You're 24, not 44. You have plenty of time to find someone else.

STOP wasting your life.

He isn't on the same page as you. He's immature and a money problem.

Get rid.

scottishdiem · 25/12/2016 22:17

You are very much young enough to get over ending this relationship and finding a much more suitable partner who loves and respects you so do not feel that you are trapped.

You need to give him an ultimatum and a timetable and be prepared to stick to it. He has fobbed you off with this for ages and will probably do it with other things in your relationship. There is merit in not rushing headlong into things but delaying for too long can be just as bad.

RandomMess · 25/12/2016 22:18

TBH I would break it off and mo e on with your life. The space will let both of you evaluate what you want. Sounds like financially and practically he isn't interested in growing up.

Sherlock35 · 25/12/2016 22:21

Oh, God, end it. If he's like this in his 20s, what's he going to be like in his 40s?

If he wanted to move out and marry you, he would have made it happen. And he hasn't. You deserve more than that. So much more. Don't ever settle for less.

OohhThatsMe · 25/12/2016 22:22

He's got debts when he lives at home and has his mum running around after him? Why has he got debts when you've got savings?

I agree re the sunk cost fallacy. I think out there is a guy who would be absolutely thrilled to be with you. He'd want to plan your lives together. He'd want to live with you. He'd know that although he loves his mum, she shouldn't have to be running around after him at his age.

Find yourself a man instead of this manchild, OP.

pipsqueak25 · 25/12/2016 22:28

he's too comfortable with mum for a start, no place to raise a baby, oh, you can move in with me and mum, no,no,no, please don't do it, you'll be trapped and that will be that. once you are under her roof with a lo there will be no shifting him, no incentive because mum will want him and the lo under her roof. you might find yourself ousted.

Original poster

EFarsons · 25/12/2016 23:04

Thanks everyone for your kind replies.

OP posts:

SandyY2K · 25/12/2016 23:46

I agree that you're wasting time with him and he lacks the maturity required for a more serious commited relationship.

You on the other hand, have your head screwed on tight and know what you want.

If you stay with him, you'll be in the same position in 5 years time.

people can be engaged for years and years."

^means ... no plan to marry you.

Being engaged means intent to marry. .. not a flimsy ..Maybe or someday we'll get married.

Get rid.

Kr1stina · 26/12/2016 00:08

What expat said

InfoFreako · 26/12/2016 01:08

The chap's still young. He has things good with his mum cleaning and looking after him, etc.

Maybe it's time to make a change? Do what's right for you!

Cheers.

Cricrichan · 26/12/2016 01:13

You're very young. Aside from his future intentions, for your sake, I'd move out and rent with friends and live life a little.

SpuriouserAndSpuriouser · 26/12/2016 01:20

As above. Cut your losses and run. You only have to read the the thousands of threads on here from women who are married and have kids with men like this, to see how it would turn out if you stay with him. He won't change. And how on earth does he have debts when he works full time and lives at home?! Don't tie yourself to this man!

ijustwannadance · 26/12/2016 01:27

Don't tie yourself to his debt and shit attitude. You do realise that he would be fully expecting you to take over the role of mummy once you live together? Cleaning his room. Doing his washing. Etc etc.

You are young. Enjoy it!

Original poster

EFarsons · 26/12/2016 01:35

Thanks again all. Yeah ijustwannadance, I did bring this up with him in an argument that I wouldn't be his surrogate mum when/if we did ever move out, hence why I stopped doing his washing and stuff for him. He said he wouldn't expect me to be. To which I asked what would switch on then suddenly in your own place to do things for yourself? He just said his mum wanted to do it for him at home, he didn't want her to. When I asked why he doesn't offer to help her he couldn't really answer. Think they're both as bad as each other on that part.

OP posts:

VimFuego101 · 26/12/2016 01:46

I wish I could hire expat by the hour for advice. She's always right.

TheCraicDealer · 26/12/2016 02:23

If you stay with him you're off your tits. The whole "repropsal" thing is the most ridiculous pantomime that's been mentioned on here in a while. If he wanted to make a serious commitment he'd just agree to go and look at flats with you, or book a date for the wedding even if it is 2 or 3 years down the line- it's not a difficult concept to understand. Reproposing is just meaningless grandstanding, a scam which he hopes will get himself back in your good books and stop you nagging him for a while.

Not wanting to leave his DM, resisting change or being somewhat unambitious at 24 doesn't make him a bad person or completely beyond redemption. But it's blatantly obvious you want different things out of the next few years (at least!) and no longer share the same outlook on life. I'm afraid one of you has to be the adult here and admit you've outgrown each other and it's the end of the line. And, let's face it, that person is not going to be him.

PaterPower · 26/12/2016 07:35

If you were one of my daughters I'd be gently encouraging you to take a break from this guy (at the very least) and see what happens.

Either it would shock him into getting off his backside and growing up or, more likely imo, he'd do nothing but at least you'd get some real perspective and (I'd be hoping) find someone who'd be a real partner and not a burden

His mother is enabling his childishness and that's on her. It is NOT on you to provide the backbone and sense of purpose he lacks.

LellyMcKelly · 26/12/2016 07:38

He is at his best right now. He will never be better than this. This is the very best you can hope for - a lifetime of washing his socks, hoovering up after him, cooking his meals and driving him about. Imagine what he'll be like once a few kids are on the scene. I'd be running for the hills if I were you - get out while you're still young and have few responsibilities. You won't regret it.

Bluntness100 · 26/12/2016 07:45

He probably does love you, however the question is do you wish a marriage with a man like this, he's 24, he has money problems, he can't even drive and he was trying to get you to do his laundry, the odds of him being able to manage his own home, his own finances, his own children without problems and finding it difficult is probably quite low. He may learn over time, but it won't be an easy time. He's ill equipped for adult life.

Honestly, I'd probably have a break from the relationship, see how you both feel.

SitsOnFence · 26/12/2016 08:01

I honestly don't say this lightly, but RUN RUN RUN RUN RUN! Run like the wind and don't look back.

I spent 11 years waiting for my kind, sensitive mummy's boy of an ex to leave home. He didn't and, skip forward 10 years or so, will be turning 40 soon and is still living with Mummy and Daddy

Genuinely nice man who I had been with since I was 16, but looking back I want to give myself a massive shake. For 6 of those 11 years I had my own home which he used to frequently 'stay over' at, but with clothes etc all kept in his bedroom in his parents' house. He worked with his Dad and would return 'home' every morning for breakfast and a packed lunch from his Mum, even when I lived 40 minutes away from his parents' house and it would have been vastly quicker to go straight to work. Interestingly, with us, it was him who wanted to get married and have children, but keeping the same set up

It's hard to walk away from shared history, especially when it's shared with someone nice. I really did love him and couldn't imagine being with anyone else. However, despite planning to stay single for a while, 3 months later I was madly in love with the man who would later become DH. You get over these things much quicker than you think you will!

SitsOnFence · 26/12/2016 08:01

I meant to add that my ex had also managed to acrue debts whilst living rent-free at home...

user1477282676 · 26/12/2016 08:24

You sound very wise and "together" for your years OP. Don't waste any more time on this child.

Move on....very hard I know but by the sound of it' you're on completely different tracks. He could take another ten years to feel ready and by then, you will be 34....and then he might want to wait a bit longer for kids...then it's too late.

Leave him...live your life.

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