Dm playing us off against eachother?

[Pheebs77]

I have 2 brothers who im not close to because they live a long way away.
I still live near my parents and do a lot for them, see them once a week, clean the house, shopping etc.

Dm & I are close, we talk about most things including how she feels about my brothers & their wives. shes very proud of their high flying careers but also critical of their aloofness & how she feels both Sils look down on her, which they do - And me - we're very ordinary & live a very different life so fair enough.

I don't care but it really rankles dm - shes just had dbro1 & sil to stay, she phoned me in tears once they'd gone to say they barely said a word to her & how she had to do all the talking. She'd arranged a meal out but they said they wanted to see friends instead. So as usual I spent a lot of time listening to this & reassuring her they love her & were probably just tired etc etc

The thing is I don't quite trust her, a couple of years ago she asked me to sort out her email settings and I saw an email she'd sent to sil which was extremely scathing of me, how I wasnt ambitious I only cared about being a mum and all sorts of other personal things which was a massive punch in the stomach. I asked her about it immediately & she said she could say whatever she liked to her daughter in law Then back tracked & cried & apologised etc
Anyway after all that I just decided to forget it and apart from a little niggle of trust we just went back to normal.

However recently I feel like shes at it again, I can't explain it - we get on very well but shes cagey about db's & Sils unless its to moan - she asked me several times today to put her tablet on charge or work out why sound wasnt on (usual stuff!) but then immediately changing her mind or looking over my shoulder when im on it, its weird & I feel like she hiding something again because we normally share tablet phone etc & I have a horrible sick feeling my lovely mum is playing me & Sils off against eachother & slagging us off to eachother??

My DM has form for saying one thing to one child and something else to the other. She tries to manipulate me into fighting her battles with them.

I know what she is doing. I smile, nod and ignore her. She does what she has to and I do what I want.

Yeah I mostly think whatever, I expect shes trying to garner favour by putting me down??? But my own mum
If it was a friend id stop listening to all the moaning she does about them but...shes mum
I can't imagine ever in a zillion years trash talking dd to a future sil

My mother did this for years with myself and my sister. Didn't take us long to work out what she was doing so we'd always immediately text each other to compare notes. She was blatantly lieing to each of us about the other. Im NC with them both now (due to totally unrelated issues).

Speak to your sil? Make friends with her and develop a close relationship if you can

I asked her about it immediately & she said she could say whatever she liked to her daughter in law confused Then back tracked & cried & apologised etc

Is this your mother or mother in law?

Wish I could do that! but she doesn't give me a sideways glance & only see her twice a year or so. Shes very very busy & high powered. She would think a friendship or even a conversation with me beneath her

My Mum did this. I didn't have a clue until she was in a Care Home and they asked me if I realised she said one thing to me and another to my Brother as they heard her on the phone. They said it's more common than you would think but people don't realise as they don't expect their Mother to do this.

Are you sure? What makes you think that a conversation is beneath them?

Possibly she's just a very negative person or has got into a moany cycle. Maybe change the subject or leave when ever she moans.

What about chatting to your IL's?

If your mother is anything like mine I would question that whole'I am beneath her' idea and have a good think about whether your mum has been telling her tales about you which has made her react to you in a certain way.

I would also think about where you got that idea from. Your sil or your mother?

I would also question if your mum likes women. My mum has great reactions to my brothers. But I and my sils are awful. The lies she has told me over the years about things they have said and done are nasty and vindictive. But my brothers can do no wrong. She has even lied to me about things my brothers have apparently said about me.

I would really think about how much your relationship with your brothers and their wives are down to her.

Yes she's "at it" again and in fact, she'll never have stopped. This is who she is, a backstabbing and divisive force in your family.

I've definitely had clues before that she doesn't want us to be friends - its very subtle though its hard to describe.
I guess I have had that thought before but it'd be pretty hard to take if she was doing that. Im quite direct & could ask her directly 'youre not slagging me off to Sils are you?' she'd probably cry & be really 'hurt'

I wouldn't ask her. Of course she will deny it.

Why don't you talk to your brothers and sils

I can't I don't really know them also it would feel dishonest

She is a great source of love & support in my life too its not all one sided. I don't have many close friends & split from my husband two years/ago. This situation with her makes me feel very alone especially today thank you god for my wonderful amazing dc

Sonething that hurt today was that as i said I do a lot for her, shes disabled & I bought all her Christmas presents for the family including sils - she had no idea what to get them so I came up with ideas. Magazine subscription, beauty sets & vouchers & what i thought was a lovely leather bag. I overheard her on the phone to dbro apologising about the tacky bag saying pheebs got the wrong one
I love my mum I just feel so alone

She's done her work very well, successfully separated you from your brothers (and SILs) and installed you as her main support. Very manipulative behaviour. Very narcissistic. Up to you whether you want to face the "real" her or just try to ignore it and make the most of the good bits.
Sounds as though there's little chance of you building a relationship with your brothers at this point.

sounds like something my narcissistic sibling does - play people off against each other.

Don't know what they get out of it, except a perverse kick from watching everyone under their 'control'. Plus the attention they get - people's sympathy etc.

your siblings obviously want to keep their distance from her games.

The aloofness could be SIL's way of dealing with your mum's "stories".(Boy who cried wolf)

Maybe your SIL and brother's tolerance for your mum's manipulative and two facedness is much lower then yours. I can just imagine the slow drip of poison that your brother and his wife have heard about you from your mother over the years.

This is who she is and probably has been for a long time and I can understand why you've not wanted and may never want to acknowledge this but she can't be trusted. By being her listening ear about her issues with your brother and his wife you have collaborated in the toxic dynamic and maybe have subconsciously liked being the favoured/trusted one.

You can't change your mother but you can stop playing your role as the dutiful/manipulated/put upon daughter and start cultivating healthier friendships with other people.

FIL is like this but with DH and I. I put it with it for years. DH can't won't see what he does.

I rarely have him over these days.

This is exactly what my DM does. As someone else has just said, stop playing the dutiful daughter, you will get no gratitude for it & she will hurt you badly in the end. Develop more interests outside the family.

When I confronted my DM about her double dealing & back stabbing she pretended to have a heart attack.