What's the name for it?

[wideboy26]

When you say to somebody 'Would you please not do X or do Y' and that person says 'Well you do A or don't do B'. It's turning it back on you and deflecting from the implied criticism of their behaviour. I call it bloody childish, but there is a term for it in the psychology of relationships lexicon. Merry Christmas to all.

I'd just call it deflection. I'd deal with it by saying something like "We'll talk about A/B next, but right now the conversation is about X/Y".

Blame shifting?

Tit for tat 😖

I call it a competition I didn't enter. It's a roadblock to communication about an issue that you raise.

But yes to deflection and blame shifting.

It is a diversionary tactic to get you on the defence.

Ah, that.
I call it being a cunt.
Although deflection is probably a more technical term.

Every raised issue with my XH, from three day old skid marks to fucking prostitutes?

Well, I did occasionally leave my towel on the bathroom floor.

Fair point, well made.

I think ChaChaCha's response is good.

Where I experience it, it comes across as an excessive form of defence. Christ, I haven't got an answer for what you're asking me not to do - I know, I'll raise the stakes by counter-accusing you of something worse.

After 40 years I don't even bother to point things out now, I just do it myself and seethe quietly. However, yesterday morning the accused walked in while I was putting matters right so I said 'When you do X, do you think you could also do Y?' I did weigh up the consequences of speaking out rather than keeping quiet and did I regret it! So it's WW3 for a day or two (with a houseful of guests) and we'll sort it out in a few days' time no doubt. The counter -arguments beggar belief, but that's detail.

Gaslighting?
I have pulled dh on this behaviour he is a good bloke but for some reason can't take any criticism. I think it could be as his mum is a perfectionist so may be from that? It's destructive though

Isn't it derailing? Derailing the topic being discussed to something not actually relevant.

I Like chachacha's tactic.

I think you are describing 'projecting'.

If I could identify the conventional term for it, I could probably read up on how to deal with it. Hence my question in the title to this thread.