Help me to see the positives

[MerryRealisation]

So please can people help me to see the positives of my DH/marriage as I'm stuck in a negative hole.
I feel that perhaps I'm just taking the good things for granted and not realising them. But then I can't really list any things that make me happy or am I just not seeing them.
Should it be that hard to think of good things. All I can focus on is the crap. But then I'm not sure if he crap is really crap or stuff everyone goes through and I'm being a difficult woman (which is how I feel).
A bit of background -
Been together 20 years since we were 17, married 5, 2 DC (6 & 4). Have a really lovely house in a lovely location. On the surface i have a lovely life. So why don't I feel lovely inside?

Imagine your life without him. Don't think oh I'm scared because once it happens that won't be what you feel. You'll be to busy living life.

Then decide if you'll still be living in the nice house. And if that really matters.

Will he want 50/50 (sounds unlikely) of the kids?

So without him your life with your kids will essentially be the same.
You will no longer dread him coming home. Your rules are your own. No compromising. You get every other weekend totally 100% off.

Sound good?

Plus there is a possibility or even a probability you'll meet someone who is great for you. Relationships post kids are a different bag and can be great. I'm 45, got married last Saturday. We have 2 kids each. Life's busy but good.

Peppa - I think that actually sums it up. We are on different pages. You're right. I think I have moved on and developed. He's stayed the same.

I think part of the problem that I've realised tonight, is that whilst my mother was in my life he appeared good because in comparison he was. But since I've been NC with her ( nearly 5 years) there is not the comparison to be made. In those five years I've become more happy with being me. She always criticised everything so I was down about myself. But since she's gone out of my life I've developed a ton of confidence. I always have another job working with different ppl and that's opened my eyes.

Random - I will look in BACP.

I don't think he's doing it to get what he wants as that hasn't been in the cards for over a year I just can't.

I think very very occasionally he sees clearly enough to care. I also am not feeling great, not sure if it's all this, and am not eating a lot. This is a once, twice at most, yearly occasion.

And no, not heard of wifework so will investigate. Thank you

Oh Wally, that does sound amazing. But it won't all be good stuff will it though. There will be a whole load of shit to get through.
And because he's so oblivious to the situation getting him out of the house will be an utter nightmare.
It's money I'm concerned about the most. I need to do the calculations. I did once and it was doable but my wages have changed a bit since.

I meant he wants you to drive!!!

Ha Random!! Thanks for making me laugh!
I don't think he was thinking that either as he just assumes I'll drive. Even if we manage to agree he will drive he drinks too much by 'mistake'!

He's awful thinks your beneath him as a mere woman I bet he will promise to change and the absolute minimum in an attempt to keep his life easy

You said "I just can't" when you thought the comment referred to your sex life.. is that an emotional reaction to how he is or something else? Does he still try or does his indifference extend to that as well?

It doesn't sound like a very healthy relationship at all, and It certainly needs something (someone in this case) to change.

Before you go past the point of no return, is it worth sitting him down and calmly walking through all this with him? Tell him the work excuse is BS and that he'll lose you and (some of his time with) the kids unless he gets back on track... but you will need to spell it out by the sounds of it, particularly if he didn't have a healthy relationship from his childhood to model his marriage on.