Is name calling and shouting ever ok?

[Mrstumbletap]

I mean - is there a line between when it is definitely not acceptable and when it's probably OK and it's just his temper/way he was brought up/how he deals with conflict?

It's Xmas and I feel sick contemplating the future of my marriage with a little DS and what's best for him.

If I walk away I can't imagine staying in the same room with someone being as much of a tit as that.

Actually, I can imagine it. That's because I am hard as nails and I would totally stay in the room acting as if they weren't even there. Total ignoring.

You know like when a toddler has a massive tantrum because you won't let them use emulsion paint to decorate your phone or something and you carry on as if nothing's happening even stepping over their tiny prostrate floor pounding irate body to put the milk back in the fridge. I would totally do that to ensure the ranter is in no doubt that they are getting zero rise out of me.

Mind you a toddler isn't 6 ft and 13 stone. So I'd probably lock myself in the bathroom and call the police saying my partner has gone nuts and I am afraid for my safety. I would genuinely be afraid for my safety if someone carried on like that towards me

Of course it's 100% your fault. Because you control his lips moving, and the words that come out of his mouth. Don't you?

No.no shouting here....I will ignor any nastiness or bad behaviour for adults or kids...everyone knows not to even go there

Momentary frustrated raised voice, quickly brought into check = only human.

Following you around, unleashing a tirade like that = never acceptable.

As for the "you started it" issue, I always tell kids complaining that so and so started it "well you be the bigger person and finish it, then!" It's a pathetic excuse

And you have nothing to work on in this scenario. Except maybe realising and accepting that it's not a home you want your DS raised to adulthood in.

In your situation it is not ok. My other half and I shout and name call and no one takes it to heart and we make up 5 mins later. But this is clearly upsetting you so it's not ok. You need to sit down and talk to him when you're both calm and tell him how it makes you feel, not that you expect not to argue but the way in which it's done is hurting you

He sounds very much like my partner. I also get the blame for everything, if I raise an issue which pisses him off he'd blow up and he would shout over and over again your a fucking child, your crazy, your not normal. I can never get a word in.
Then he would try and twist the situation then get me to explain the whole argument but twist things and say I'm wrong and try and say I said things I didn't. It absolutely drives me crazy. Makes you doubt yourself so much.

How long have you been married? I think you are not in a 'safe' or healthy relationship.

You described my marriage just before I asked him to leave.He would not name call but the other behaviours indentical.
Irrational anger over a perceived slight to him, then blaming me and saying I don't accept I'm wrong.This is likely to be projection.

It's crazy making behaviour designed to have you second guessing yourself and making you thread carefully.

How long has this been going on?

I am 2 months from him leaving.At some stage I had the lightbulb moment and knew I wasnt the issue.Nothing I did would change his behaviour.

It seemed to escalate and the periods between anger got shorter.He was of course lovely in between and outwardly Mr Nice Guy.On his LinkedIn profile it's all about how lovely he is.
I thought no one would believe me but everyone I spoke to does.Why? Because men behaving abusively to their partners in the privacy of the home is not unusual.

I am at the start of the journey, still can't quite believe it as I never, ever thought he would be like this.Today he came to the house, Mr Nice, 2 weeks ago, Mr Nasty.

Please stand back and see you are not the cause.This is not a good relationship if it happens even a few times as it really rocks your trust and changes you from a confident woman to a scared woman.

If you can't face taking action now please write down what is happeming.When I realised it was being repeated on a regular basis it gave me strength to take action.

His behaviour is not at all acceptable and the situation is way beyond standing up to him and being more assertive; when someone you live with is very abusive in the way you have described, all you can so is walk on eggshells and try to manage them as delicately as you can to stay safe most of the time, or recognise that your house is on fire and get yourself the hell out of the situation. I get that it's not always possible to immediately get out but I would strongly encourage you to start getting your ducks in order so that escaping starts to be a real possibility. It's not at all normal or acceptable to behave in the way you describe and it creates a very toxic environment for DC.

Let me put it this way - if my DH did this, he would find his bags packed outside the door and his next communication from me would be from a SHL (Shit Hot Lawyer).

But my DH wouldn't behave like that, because he is a decent human being. Your DH on the other hand is a dick.

No its not ok. It's a red flag. If it's upsetting you and you feel it's having a negative impact on you then that is enough to say it's not ok. Being snappy once in a while with good reasons could be excused but from what you are saying...about his upbringing etc then it sounds like it's more of a regular problem.

Everyone loses their shit once in a while; I do, DH does, even the DCs do under stress. However, in our family we get over ourselves straight away, apologise for the dick behaviour and move on. There's never been a "it's your fault" conversation because ultimately everyone is responsible for their own actions, excuses be damned.

You're living with someone who sounds as though he frightens you. I can't imagine how awful that must be but for the sake of your DS it needs to stop. Blaming you for his behaviour is his way of redistributing any guilt he might feel; in his head it's genuinely not his fault he's such a dick; he doesn't lie awake at night consumed with guilt for treating the mother of his DC so shabbily like a normal human might. I don't know if people like that can really change, but I do know that you deserve more kindness than this.

Sounds like my ex op. You can't reason with such a person
Walk away. Seriously a few times I tried the ignoring thing he ended up punching me
I'm nc with my ex

So much better this way