Am I overreacting?

[MrsBluesky1]

Husband of 7 years, split earlier this year yet he made what I thought was significant changes so decided to give it another go.

Tonight he said let's bake camambert and watch a film, but going for a quick pint with an old mate first. Of course! He gets in at half nine, although not late, is still too late to do HIS idea (little ones up early). He texted a twice saying a later time he'd be home.

Now I have NO ISSUE with him having a social life. But if he wanted drinks, why suggest spend night together? Why not say I'm going for drink tonight? Why not say in the first text going to be later than I thought will reschedule our plans? Or am i massively overthinking this?

He's not known for his thoughtfulness and I may be blowing up over nothing for fear of being seen as a mug.

If that really is the only issue in your relationship then yes you are massively over reacting. It's xmas mad Friday, maybe he didn't intend on staying out so long but nights like tonight bumping into others and getting caught up in the festive spirit is not unusual

No - you're not overreacting - he treated you poorly / 2nd best.

He went out for "A" pint and ended up having a couple 2 days before Xmas?? It's hardly the crime of the century 🤔 unless as I said in PP there's something more to the story you haven't mentioned

What were the reasons you split earlier this year ?

I think you're over reacting

He specifically suggested our plans. If he had instead said he was going out for a few, I wouldn't have sat round waiting for him and did my own thing. Last week he went for a works do, knew no one, said he'd be home as soon as the function finished at 11 but instead strolled in at 6 am .. after I called him and lost it at 4am.. he wasn't particularly hammered.

Obviously there's more to it as we are 'reconciling' . He has admitted before he's selfish and didn't respect me but he's ashamed of himself and 'wants to be the man he should have been'.

I get the feeling there's quite a backstory to this (if not YABU)

Where the fuck was he til 6am?!

If it was me, I would be annoyed if I had been waiting for him. Not majorly but I would just say 'you could have told me so I could make my own dinner'.

He might 'want' to be that man but he's not going to. He doesn't respect you enough or desire your company enough - he had a 'better' offer so immediately ditched plans with you. He isn't going to change.

I think if you had a good relationship and plenty of quality time together then this wouldn't be an issue.

I get the feeling you don't feel appreciated or have a social life with him so that's why you are resentful. Is that the case?

A happy relationship means enjoying one another and having fun, not getting bogged down only in the everyday boring stuff, especially if that's not going smoothly.

I have a reasonable social life now, seen friends two evenings this week. And so does he (no matter how often he claims otherwise).

It seemed disrespectful to me for him to have me hanging round waiting for him. Also like he's pushing boundaries to see how far he can go now. I took him back in a strict zero tolerance policy and I feel I'm being tested.

We split because he is a taker and I had no more to give. I'm just worried if I let the small things drop they will just get bigger and bigger again.

Calieghdoodle his team all no showed so he tagged on to another department after party

No, you are not over reacting. It's inconsiderate at best. As a one off, it would be fine-most people at some point have a spontaneous night out and lose track of time, but this sounds like a recurring issue.

I'm afraid I think it's totally selfish and unreasonable as you presumably are hanging around at home, feeling hungry and wondering when he'll be back. If he at least had the consideration to either do as he planned or told you he wasn't coming back for dinner, you'd be able to plan your evening accordingly. But it's totally selfish to make you wait around for him to the exclusion of doing something else and then letting you down.

I totally get where you're coming from-him having a few drinks is not the issue, it's him telling you he'd like to do something with you and then letting you down and to the exclusion of you making your own plans for the night. If anything, I actually think you're under reacting-I'd be bloody livid.

And last week-returning at 6 after you went loopy on the phone at 4am?? Why on earth did it take him 2 hours from then to return?? This sounds to me like there's a massive back story

Sorry, I cross posted with you. Still think you are definitely not being unreasonable, over thinking or over reacting here.

He's already taking the piss. A lot.

He shouldn't need you to put the boundaries in place. He should know them himself.

You're going to spend your entire life sounding like and looking like a nag because he's an irresponsible, thoughtless and selfish wastrel.

Ok so your problem is that he's treating you as his backup plan rather than his primary priority. It's disrespectful. I'd say he's not exactly doing a great job at showing that he's moved on from being a 'taker'.
Perhaps your instincts about splitting were right in the first place?

Tbh i think you should leave. He sounds like hard work. Maintaining an acceptable balance in your relationship sounds like hard work. Children trat boundaries, not people who love you.

test

Yes, he's testing if you will follow through on your threats of zero tolerance of selfish behaviour. He has discovered that you do not follow through. You shout a bit but there's no real action.

Really you should be testing him to see if he can stop being a selfish taker. I'd say he's failing.

What are you going to do?

Actions speak louder than words. This is him.