Am I emotionally abused

[mnaddict1]

I don't know where to start... I have been with my husband 10 years. Married 7. When we first got together I suffered my first of depression (now diagnosed bipolar). My self esteem and confidence are in the floor and have been for some time. I also self medicate with alcohol and am having private therapy to tackle this and my other issues.

A few weeks ago we had a massive argument and I told him I felt that he controls me. If we are arguing he gives me the silent treatment. He dismisses my thoughts and reactions. The argument was triggered when I asked for money to buy a Xmas present for him (I am sahm so have no funds). He said he didn't need a gift. I was adamant he should have one. I feel he should have transferred money to my account unquestioningly-
It's family money. But he seemed to enjoy the struggle.

I mentioned this to my therapist and she raised eyebrows. Ever since I have been wondering if he's abusive emobtionally and all
My self esteem and confidence issues are as a result of him.

He constantly acts like my parent, criticised my decisions to the point I can't make a small decision for myself.

We have been away this week and last night I was tried so made to return to the log cabin and asked him to bring the dc along when they were ready- he said nothing g but the look on his face told me to sit down and take my coat off- I ended up staying in the bar another hour.

Anyway, we just returned from a five day holiday where he has constantly nagged and criticised my behaviours and actions and I have had enough. On the way home I mentioned we need to pay the dog sitter so could he chuck me out to the cash point to pick some up. To which he replied you had some cash, why have you spent it rather than using the card. I asked him if he had eve heard himself and the way he talks to me like I am five. He denied and said that it was my negativity and I have been like that all week! I said, well you have to pick in my negativity now as I haven't had a drink for five days (this is what he normally moans about!). He parked up at home and started ranting about off yo go then, bugger off etc.

I am so confused. But beginning to feel I would be better off without him in the new year. To cap it off he has just upset my ds7 by play fighting him (as requested) but he's ended up in tears and dh stormed off.

Any advice am so confused

I simply meant she can hold her head up high.

And Bagina you are projecting massively, the OP and her husband are not the same as the couple you know.

Another Emma you are probably right- I drink to escape all of it. I never used to have an issue with alcohol, but when you look at it bipolar is often accompanied by substance abuse.

I also think this is a complicated relationship and we can't know what is actually happening.

Another Emma, you are completely right.

However, the op has just revealed further information.

"We went to counselling a few years ago after a manic episode led to me having an inappropriate relationship online. I felt that the counsellor and dh ganged up on me, that I was in the wrong about everything. This makes me think the issues are all my doing."

This often happens in couple's counselling with abusers - they are very skilled at manipulating the situation, getting the counsellor on their side, and using the sessions as another opportunity to blame the other partner.

You may have done some things wrong and made some mistakes, but no one is perfect, and it's definitely not all your fault.

Bagina
Why don't you ask the OP questions or simply wait until she shares more information before making up a load of "information" of your own based on a completely different relationship that you have observed.

It is very complicated with many things that have happened in the past related to my bipolar that have made me behave in ways I am not proud of- I feel that i Should be grateful he has stuck around, paid for therapy and private treatment to fix me. If I didn't have a mental health issue and drink problem perhaps it would be easier to unpick the issues but those things compound the problem as I worry o am loooking at things from a skewed perspective.

Keep going with the therapy, OP, and you will start to see things more clearly and trust your own judgement.

Please do read the links I shared in my first post. You might also find it helpful to read the book "Why does he do that?" by Lundy Bancroft.

Don't forget that it's not either/or - you can have mental health issues and alcohol problems and he can be abusive. It's probably all interrelated - a bit of a vicious cycle. You need to break that cycle which isn't easy but you can do it with the help of therapy and other support.

Thank you anotherEmma.

earlier this year I stopped for 3 months until he persuaded me I could have a drink as were on holiday

Hi OP. This is a red flag to me. You went three months without a drink and were happy to continue doing so, but he persuaded you to have one, and presumably that started you off again. He wanted to sabotage your efforts. He wanted you to be drinking again so he had a nice big stick to beat you with. And as you say, when you don't drink, he "picks on you" for your "negativity".

I think if I had a partner with a drink problem and I didn't want them to drink, I would be so proud of them for going three months without one and the last thing I would do would be to encourage them to start again when they were trying to stay off it. It doesn't make any sense, does it, if that person really wants to support you in not drinking?

It's really good that you're going to therapy. I agree it will help you see more clearly. And I think you're absolutely right to ask these questions about his behaviour towards you.

I don't think this is emotional abuse. I think it's a sign of someone struggling to cope with their partner's MH and drink problems. Well done for going without for 5 days but you shouldn't expect a discernable improvement in his behaviour until you have proven to him that this can be sustained. Also, has he himself had private one on one counselling?

Fail struggling to cope so much that he persuaded her to have a drink on holiday after she'd stopped for three months? Really?

He didn't force her TalkingintheDark. OP drank willingly. This is a thing addicts do - make their drinking choices about other people/things - anything but them. I know as I lived with one for years and this post could easily have been written by them.

Hello OP. Well done on not drinking this time of year. Please keep working on that. It's worth it.

Partners and friends and family often don't understand sobriety. They may sabotage out of sheer benign ignorance, or they may be uncomfortable because your sobriety challenges their own relationship with alcohol. Or, they may be abusers who want you to be unwell. Does your husband drink a lot?

What are your feelings about alcohol? If you want really good support for the drinking, I can heartily recommend the "stopdrinking" board on Reddit. It's incredibly supportive and I check in every day.

On the subject of mental illness: I used to have manic episodes and do inappropriate things, often online. I was diagnosed as bipolar, but I may have been going through mania caused by antidepressants taken for SAD. I was able to treat my problem with diet and exercise (well, Vitamin D and lots of running and hiking). I then was able to get out of a situation that was bad for me (living in the remote Highlands, stuck at home with small children. We moved to Manchester and I started a cleaning business.) What I'm saying is that I do think that our environment/situation can be damaging to our mental health.

Have just emailed my shl friend. Today is been ghastly. After playing during husband in Xmas eve and Xmas day this morning (I have a horrid cold plus anxiety) thought our puppy had caused chaos is in laws house so was stressed. Told I was a cock. Lunch time
Was dig dig dog with crtitiscm-
My fault. Obviously. Not really spoke rest of the day.
Have just cancelled a dinner date with bf as me and dh are not getting on so it would be embarrassing. Had a whole conversation about things with her- her insight was interesting to say the least. He has been blanking her for months(I believe this is because she's too close me). I dint really see old friends and he does say oh why do you never meet up with x y or z and I say, oh I never get time. He positions it as though I
Should.
Anyway- things not rosy here but onwards and upwards

Apologies for the many typos