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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

DP advice

28 replies

Icky871 · 22/12/2016 18:57

Posted on her previously white lied to DP about previous partner count .... he figured out it was more than I told him and said he doesn't want to know as he doesn't want to no the number and feel differently about me.... playing on my mind a bit .... should I just forget about it a move on and be happy? I said it was 8 but more like 13 x

OP posts:

SpongeBobJudgeyPants · 22/12/2016 19:03

Hmm. If he wanted to know the number then its really none of his business. The fact that he is now trying to 'shame' you about it is worrying frankly. Having been in a similar position, a long time ago, I would now refuse to get into a numbers game at the start.

TheoriginalLEM · 22/12/2016 19:05

i don't have enough digits to count mone. Dp knows its a high number but he doesn't want to know

past is passed.

GinAndTeaForMe · 22/12/2016 19:06

Whether it was 13 or 113, it's your body and none of his business. You do not owe an explanation to anyone, neither should you feel ashamed.

Joysmum · 22/12/2016 19:08

Do people really count? I never have and DH and I have never talked about absolute numbers, just mentioned people in our past at various times.

Original poster

Icky871 · 22/12/2016 19:08

So I should not bring it up again? Just move on etc

OP posts:

Original poster

Icky871 · 22/12/2016 19:10

Move on as in don't bring it up again.... I do feel a bit crap but I know if I don't drop it I'll end up making something out of nothing x

OP posts:

Manamanaxmas · 22/12/2016 19:11

Your life is your life, and no one else should judge you on it. DH and I both know each other's (he is nearly 50, single for most of his adult life, I am 40 and had great fun in my 20s). We both know we have both had lives before each other, and if you let your brain think too much it can make things weird. But guess what, we don't because we are adults who knew we had a .life before each other! Your DP is being a bit of a plank really. Have you asked him about his? DO told me about two things he did before us (nothing illegal but I was still ). It took me a while to get my head around but in the end, he didn't do these things when he was with me. OP is your other half insecure? No way should you feel guilty about anything

Joysmum · 22/12/2016 19:12

I'd personally leave it for him to raise if he wants to, then you can call him on the weirdness of a need to count them at all.

In addition, I too think his attitude here could be a worrying sign so have your eyes wide open to spot other worrying behaviours and attitudes towards you, just in case.

LemonSqueezy0 · 22/12/2016 19:12

He would feel differently about you, based on the number of sexual partners you had before your relationship even started?! that's a very ignorant way for him to behave tbh. It's your body, your choice. He has no right to try to make you feel bad about it. At all.

RebelRogue · 22/12/2016 19:13

What do you want from this?
For you to tell him the real number and him to accept it and who for who you are? He already told you it won't happen.
Tbh if number of previous partners makes a difference to how he sees you...you're not onto a winner there.

GinAndTeaForMe · 22/12/2016 19:19

You don't need to bring it up again, no. If he asks again, tell him it's none of his business.

GinAndTeaForMe · 22/12/2016 19:22

It really is not a big deal op. Don't worry yourself. If he ever found out you told a white lie, a reasonable person would be concerned as to why you felt you couldn't say the truth. He has nothing to be annoyed about. It has no effect on him personally, or your relationship. Move on

Original poster

Icky871 · 22/12/2016 19:28

Thank you he does know that I lied about the number he just doesn't want to know what the number is

OP posts:

Cricrichan · 22/12/2016 19:31

What, so he's interrogating you? Tell him the real number if you want or tell him to mind his own business and if it bothers him, he can bigger off.

I've just counted mine , and I've only ever had long term relationships, lost my virginity quite late and I've slept with 7. I would imagine most of my friends will have slept with many more!

mumofthemonsters808 · 22/12/2016 19:44

I find this type of thing very odd, bit sick to be honest, I can't see the point of full disclosure of past sexual encounters unless you're a teenager.Maybe it's to give the Husband Or Wife a false sense of security, "we know everything about each other " type couples, well my Oh doesn't know everything about me that's for sure and I really do doubt we know our partners as well as we think we do.

Cherrysoup · 22/12/2016 19:50

I wouldn't raise it, this caused massive issues with my DH. He doesn't have the right to question you, as long as you have not picked up anything and you're not putting him at risk. What you did in the past makes you who you are and that's who he fell for.

Original poster

Icky871 · 22/12/2016 21:11

Cherry soup did you talk it out or just never speak about it again? I get what everyone's saying everyone has different relationships by the sounds of it and what works for some won't work for others. I do think may my husband is a bit insecure but I do try my best to let him know he means a lot etc

OP posts:

pipsqueak25 · 22/12/2016 21:26

he sounds a bit insecure if he wants to know a number, perhaps you've had more experience than him, but at the end of the day it is your business the number is between yourself and you , nobody else. i would refuse to discuss it as it is not relevant in your relationship

RunRabbitRunRabbit · 22/12/2016 21:43

It's obviously preying on your mind.

Why? Is it about you or him?

I'd feel weird about telling a deliberate lie to DH. I would feel compelled to tell him the truth. Personally, I'd just tell him the damn number.

How he reacts tells you a lot about him. Might as well find out sooner rather than later. Why not?

Tenshidarkangel · 23/12/2016 11:23

What does the number of previous relate too? It means nothing. It's in the past. You can't change it. It's made you who you are.
Be happy, OP. You deserve it.

HouseworkIsASin10 · 23/12/2016 11:26

How old are you? Sounds very teenage.

It is irrelevant how many partners, nobody's business but your own.

If my DP asked me I'd laugh in his face.

Original poster

Icky871 · 23/12/2016 11:29

30 years old have been with my husband for 5 years. Yes I know your right I think I just got my back up as I personally never had a problem until he said it would change his view maybe he said it in heat of argument x

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Daisyfrumps · 23/12/2016 11:45

Only a judgemental controlling woman-hating prick would say such a thing - heat of the moment or not.

It is absolutely none of his business, none whatsoever.

whattodowiththepoo · 23/12/2016 11:50

Jesus, calm down daisy.

It's stupid that it would change the way he thinks of you unless it's the lying in the first place.
You should forget it and move on.

Daisyfrumps · 23/12/2016 11:54

It's not stupid, it's a serious red flag. Why on earth would someone think less of someone the more sexual partners they've had, unless they had some pretty fucked up ideas?

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