Alone and going through trauma therapy

[AnaMaleka]

I'm going through intensive trauma treatment for adult stuff and things that happened to me as a child. My DH is a very sweet man, but it turns out he's got Aspergers and as a result he's completely unempathic. He's kind, but he literally doesn't get what I'm feeling, especially after a therapy session (weekly for over 1.5 years). He's also asexual and also has no need for any touch, other than holding my hand.

We're working with a psychologist (once a month, he won't go more) for the Aspergers.

I just feel so terribly alone. I live abroad and a few people know what's going on, but I can't just turn up on their doorstep crying because they have their own lives.

Today I realized that the abuse I witnessed my (younger) DB receive from my mother when he was aged 3 and younger MUST have happened to me too. The therapist is as sure as she can be that given what we know happened, and how I am, it's very unlikely that the intervening periods were happy. I know other things that happened to me ("D"M fucking boasted about them!!) when I was 6 months, 18 months and then I have a clear memory from aged 4 or 5.

I just want someone to hold me and tell me it will all be fine, the nightmares will go etc and that I'm ok. Instead I have to be jolly for Christmas.

I don't know anybody who has been charged

Neither do I.

I want to stay near my children's father

AnaMaleka, how long's the flight from where you are to the UK?

I'm curious why you think I would automatically be better off in the UK? I don't have any family there any more and my friends are scattered around the country. I'd have zero support network in comparison to a very small one here!

I also have no intention of putting my kids on a flight every weekend to see their father - or have him flying back and forwards every week - when they can live around the corner from him if we stay?

If there was any danger from him to any of us, that would be different, but there's not! At all. Separating or divorce is one thing, having your family live in different countries is another. And I grew up in this situation so I know the realities of not having your father there for school plays because it's impossible to fly over for Wednesday evening, as an example, never mind the cost of flights and accommodation.

And I believe that (good) fathers are an incredibly important part of a child's life.

So I'm not really understanding why it would be a good idea to come "home".

Is there much of an expat network where you are? Are you able to leave your children with your husband or his family enough to go out and get in touch with other people? I live abroad and didn't have any sort of contact for a long time as my ex provided no support and his family are far away, but once the kids were old enough and the divorce was planned I made a lot more of an effort to go out, and it has helped.

Like you I did not want to separate the kids from their familiar surroundings, friends and father. And I knew when I signed up to life abroad that this was a possible consequence.

You don't have to be jolly for Christmas. Have a quiet Christmas of peace and reflection - that's what Christmas is supposedly all about here in Germany where I live! If you can, go out and do some things you like if your husband has time off. Order a yummy takeaway. Buy yourself a gift or two. Read a good book.

I'm not really understanding why it would be a good idea to come "home"

Because it sounds as though you're having a hard time there.

You're struggling with the language and therefore don't have a support network.

AnaMaleka, if your financial circumstances were different, would you leave your husband?

Ah well. It is hard. But the nightmares will go, and the flashbacks will stop. You will get better at managing them, as well. It's good that you have a few folk who know about it. I think you've probably done the worst bit now. It will get easier, day by day. Hang in there.

Aaah! I just wrote a reply to you guys and it's disappeared! I can't repost right now.

Thanks for responding though. It has helped.