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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

How many stag dos?

45 replies

shoobadoo · 20/12/2016 15:36

My DH is always going on stag dos or so it seems. Maybe 2 a year, always abroad, always a long weekend. DH also has to go away with work from time to time which can also involve golfing weekends and such like. I have to look after DCS when he's away with no family close by to help me, I also have a stressful job during the week and find these long weekends on my own with DCS relentless.
When is enough, enough? DH is currently away on another stag do, so close to Christmas, we have a ton of things going on, I've been having a really tough time lately with health etc. DH had a lot of frinds and I know he doesn't like to turn them down or let them down, but I can't shake the thought that he's letting me down at a time I need him most...
Then there's the money. He never budgets and I find myself budgeting for him and having to point out that he can't actually afford these big stag dos abroad twice a year and that putting it all on credit cards is not acceptable.
I know everyone is different and would tolerate different things, but are these stag dos just becoming a bit much now that DH has a family and responsibilities?
DH would gladly let me go off with friends for a weekend, but I'd rather be able to afford a family holiday, DH doesn't see that we can't afford to do both! Thanks in advance!

OP posts:

Adora10 · 20/12/2016 16:31

OP, he's going on stag do's on the never never, sitting in pubs whilst all the other men are going into strip clubs, which cost a bomb btw........all paid for with monopoly money.

Wouldn't it be nice if he took YOU away for a weekend?

You're minimising his behaviour, which, imo, is still selfish.

Offred · 20/12/2016 16:33

Hardly. I think some people have no idea what this peer group masculinity actually looks like. There is only so long someone sits in a pub on their todd before being tricked/persuaded into joining in.

Sickoffaketvxmas · 20/12/2016 16:35

Perhaps stop projecting your own insecurities Off Your responses have been ridiculous to say the least

Offred · 20/12/2016 16:35

He's already demonstrating his casual lack of respect for the op by expecting 'everyone else goes' to be a valid reason for spending family time and money on these trips. He believes he has a right to behave this way and the op is fundamentally wrong for complaining.

Orangetoffee · 20/12/2016 16:36

And reeling off a list of names who never miss a do is very childish. Sorry but he comes across as selfish manchild.

Offred · 20/12/2016 16:36

It's nothing to do with my insecurities!

But classic comeback there for the start of anti-feminist bingo!

Sickoffaketvxmas · 20/12/2016 16:37

You are making yourself look like an idiot now

Sickoffaketvxmas · 20/12/2016 16:38

But I guess there is always one

Hidingtonothing · 20/12/2016 16:44

This is all about priorities really, he prioritises his mates over you and his DC. It leaves you with all the shitwork and, as a family, you can't afford it if it has to go on credit cards and means you don't get a family holiday.

I would tell him it's gone beyond what's reasonable now, he needs to choose between the responsibility of having a family (and accepting that means compromises on what he can afford to do with 'the lads') and the single (divorced, CM paying) lifestyle he seems to think is so important. Reeling off the names of his friends who never miss a stag would get him nowhere with me, I would be pointing out that none of those people should come before his DW and DC but that if he thinks they do he's welcome to go and sleep on their sofas til he's found himself somewhere new to live.

It's not so much about the stags themselves, if they were occasional and budgeted for so that they didn't impact on family finances and if he was considering the extra work they mean for you then it wouldn't be so bad but he obviously feels these trips away come before any of those things and that's just not on when you have a family to consider.

Adora10 · 20/12/2016 16:44

Sick: everyone is entitled to an opinion, no need for name calling fgs.

PigletWasPoohsFriend · 20/12/2016 16:47

But classic comeback there for the start of anti-feminist bingo!

People aren't anti-feminist just because they don't agree with you.

Sickoffaketvxmas · 20/12/2016 17:06

I dont recall any name calling Adora

EagleIsland · 20/12/2016 17:17

Offred, who took the jam out your doughnut?

Kinda lept to a conclusion there

EagleIsland · 20/12/2016 17:20

Work trips are work trips, from experience yes he may be out golfing but it's work if he is out with a client.

As for the stag do' the odd one is ok but don't take the piss

Naicehamshop · 20/12/2016 18:56

Sick - you have called Offred an idiot. Let's not go down the road of childish name calling - I think we are all here to try to give help and support to the op.

offside · 20/12/2016 19:37

Wow Offred jumping the gun there a bit! Definitely sounds like you're projecting your insecurities.

My DP works away a bit and the stag dos he's been on and have been abroad and he skips the part in the UK where they pay for a stripper. He doesn't visit strip bars when he's abroad, doesn't use prostitutes and doesn't do anything other than probably drink too much, not wear enough sun tan lotion and not sleep enough. Stop projecting your insecurities. Not all men are the same.

As for the OP, I'd be a bit miffed about this situation if there was no sign of family holidays. In fact, when our DD was less than a year old my DP had been on two stag dos and was due to go on a third not long after he got back from a long haul business trip. I explicitly told him that unless we had a family holiday booked before the stag do, then he wasn't going.

We actually went on a family holiday but he still chose to not go on the third stag do as he had had so much time away from home due to work and the other stag do's. Sometimes you have to be the "uncool" wife and put your foot down.

Kanewreck · 20/12/2016 19:43

I don't think that two weekends a year is that bad

Original poster

shoobadoo · 20/12/2016 20:02

Thanks. DH has found this thread and has apparently been watching other threads I've posted under other usernames lately. I therefore won't be posting again. It's a shame we can't actually communicate face to face.

OP posts:

inlectorecumbit · 20/12/2016 20:15

It's more of a shame that your (D) H can't respect your privacy and has been spying on you.
Very very poor show Mr Shoobadoo -perhaps you should spend more time with your DW than spying on her.
But l think you will have guessed she is not happy with your behaviour and several people agree with her- it is pretty selfish really

Offred · 20/12/2016 23:15

What insecurities am I projecting exactly?

About my non-existent partner going on non-existent stag dos?

I'm not remotely insecure about some men who don't have respect for women treating women like crap. It's just what some men are like. Women don't have to put up with being in a relationship with such men.

And yes it is about being anti-feminist when someone makes a point about the abuse of women by some abusive men and people immediately jump to some random personal insults.

Anyway, does not have the desired effect on me because I just go about my day seeing my siblings for Christmas and then reading MN later and quietly smile to myself about how it is always a give away that something has hit too close when someone criticises you without offering a single thought out post which answers your point in any way...

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