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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

OH always on phone

14 replies

GerardNoWay · 20/12/2016 10:46

Me and OH both work full time, his shifts are irregular and anti-social - he has one weekend off a month and will regularly work until 10pm at night. It's crappy, but we both know that he wouldn't get the type of salary he is on now elsewhere, so we deal with it.

Last night he got in at 10pm, had dinner and we went to bed. As soon as we lay down he was on his mobile phone. I made a point of plugging mine into the charger and lying there, obviously awake. He didn't say a word to me, and I eventually fell asleep.

I feel very unwanted. We have a DD who is 13 months, so evenings are spent feeding, bathing and putting her to bed. Most nights from 7pm I am sat alone in the house, and my family live about an hour away from us. I just would like us to have a conversation when he gets home from work, rather than him have his face stuck in his mobile phone all night. I feel like banning the phones in the house altogether.

I trust him implicitly; I honestly don't think he's up to anything untoward. I just feel he doesn't have the awareness that I miss him and want to spend time with him. All he does is repeatedly ask me the same question: 'You ok?' obviously expecting the answer to be 'yes' and that's about as far as the conversation goes.

Maybe this is a sign that things aren't going well? I really should just speak to him, shouldn't I?

OP posts:

Lules · 20/12/2016 10:54

I completely appreciate how you're feeling, but I am often so tired when I come home from work that it's as much as I can do to stare at my phone. It's not that I don't love my husband but I'm too tired to talk, especially when I've been interacting with people all day. But you do need some together. Is there any other time? Breakfast together before he goes to work? Meet for lunch near his work if he gets a proper break?

PenguinsandPebbles · 20/12/2016 11:33

I was the same when working long hours, I would come home and would feel exhausted. The idea of talking to another human being made me want to run screaming into the woods

It's a bit like when you have been with a small child all day, you love you partner but you don't really want anyone else touching you as you feel touched out. As you feel like you have been patted all day.

Can you talk to him about how your feeling? Maybe he's just shutting off without realising I know my partner doesn't he's just so tired he goes into self preservation mode.

Breakfast or lunch is a good idea. I feel for you as know how it feels to be in both shoes, these days I can be desprate for just mindless chat of an evening :)

LemonSqueezy0 · 20/12/2016 11:41

I appreciate how you must be feeling, without much adult interaction during the days but also think he's working hard and needs time to decompress, catch up with news and interests etc hopefully just a slight adjustment is necessary to get you both on the even keel that suits you both and repairs your relationship.

Reality16 · 20/12/2016 11:43

As soon as we lay down he was on his mobile phone. I made a point of plugging mine into the charger and lying there, obviously awake. He didn't say a word to me, and I eventually fell asleep why did you not talk to him? Rather then lying feeling all sad just simply be the maker of the conversation

alphabook · 20/12/2016 11:57

I am like this sometimes. I'm an introvert in a client facing role and sometimes by the end of the day I'm exhausted and "talked out", I just don't have the energy to talk to anyone. But I think/hope it's an occasional occurrence for me rather than the norm, and that doesn't seem to be the case for you. I think you're going to have to either make more effort to be the one initiating conversation, or talk to him about making an effort to have more couple time.

Original poster

GerardNoWay · 20/12/2016 12:14

I work too, so I understand that sometimes time is needed to decompress. I get that. It would just be nice to have a conversation, or even a cuddle, rather than both lay there totally oblivious to the other.

We are like ships in the night most of the time. If he is on a late he mostly stays in bed while I take DD to nursery. I try and make the effort to stay up til he finishes work and do try and interact as much as possible, as well as making dinner for us both. We don't have time for breakfast what with running DD to nursery or her grandparents, so we very rarely get a moment to relax. We mostly just hand over care of DD and swap a few words.

OP posts:

Original poster

GerardNoWay · 20/12/2016 12:15

OP posts:

MidsummersNight · 20/12/2016 13:06

See when he repeatedly asks "you ok?" say "no, I'm feeling a bit neglected and would like it if we spent what small amount of time we have together either talking or just having a cuddle".

Lying there all sad achieves absolutely nothing?! Why would you come on Mumsnet for advice/a moan without actually telling him the issue first?

Stewart2017 · 20/12/2016 13:51

Don't be too harsh on OP. I think 99% of us know where she coming from and feeling 2nd sometimes to a device.
Firstly, he ain't on WhatsApp chatting to girls as he would not do that while lying beside you, so that rules that out.
How about saying to him "let me charge your phone for you" as if a kind gesture. Even if phone does not need charged, he may take the hint.

Guys not great talkers often - rather than "how's your day" try "did you get that thing done you planned" or "did it seem it could be icy in morning when you came home at 10" etc. Easy questions for a bloke to say more than yeah or no too :-) gets conversation going.

If all else fails, ask him politely to put away phone in a minute and he should take hint.
Last resort- give him a well cuddle (not suggesting more than that to be clear) , as any man would welcome affection in bed over checkingredients football results on his mobile!

Original poster

GerardNoWay · 20/12/2016 14:16

I agree, and most of the time I do instigate and talk, but his head is so stuck in his phone most of the time he's not listening to me. I have asked him repeatedly what's so fascinating on his phone, we have had numerous conversations about spending time together, romance, etc.

He mostly apologises that his job is anti-social and nothing changes. Or we argue. So I've learned to keep my mouth shut as I come across as nagging.

I get it, I do. I'm just fed up. Don't really have friends I can talk to about these situations, so thought I'd come on here and see what others thought.

OP posts:

NotTheFordType · 20/12/2016 14:49

It's crappy, but we both know that he wouldn't get the type of salary he is on now elsewhere, so we deal with it.

It sounds like things have changed, and you're not dealing with it any more. He's too exhausted to connect with you, and you're feeling neglected. Perhaps it's time for a serious conversation about how things can change in order that both of your needs are met (while still keeping a roof over your head of course.)

Maybe ask him where he sees his career being in 1 year, 5 years, 10 years. Because if he's still doing the same shit hours in 10 years time, I see no benefit to either of you in remaining married, when you so rarely see each other.

Original poster

GerardNoWay · 20/12/2016 15:00

Maybe I'm viewing this with my unreasonable hat on and yes, I am mostly fed up with the whole set up. But I don't feel like he's exhausted or wrung out from work. I feel like he has no interest in speaking with me, or interacting with me in anyway.

He has more sleep than me - I get up with DD most days and do nursery drop offs and pick ups. I work all day, and then look after DD and then cook and clean the house - stuff he could do that he chooses not to when he's working late because he sleeps in (which is fair enough).

I feel like I make the effort, and I desperately want us to have 'us' time. But he's just not bothered, more interested in his phone and whatever he is doing on there. The only time he expresses interest in me is when he wants sex, then I'm dropped again like a hot potato.

OP posts:

TheNaze73 · 20/12/2016 15:37

Sometimes. I can barely speak after an intense day/evening on a project & just want to zone out.

LesisMiserable · 20/12/2016 15:54

It sounds like he's just addicted to picking up his phone as opposed to interaction with another person, it's a very teenage zoning out way of being isn't it.

I personally think he's being really quite rude to you as I suspect if when you got into bed you had a little cuddle and a chat or whatever, you would feel at ease to settle down for the night and if he went on his phone to read or whatever at that point then you'd be ok with it. But tending to a device before a person if not on, it really isn't, it's basic manners and I can't understand why other posters can't see that, unless they lack those basic manners too.

I think you need to talk to him and say no phones in bed please until we've had a bit of time together each night. It's a habit that needs to be broken.

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