NC with Dsis but now she wants to see DD...

[Bloodylovecheese]

Dsis and I have been NC for roughly 3 years. Her choice not mine. We fell out due to her choices in life and money. She chose not to communicate and although I miss her there's not much I can do about it.
Since we've not spoken I've sent my neice and nephew Christmas and birthday gifts, and she my Dd. I did take out my neice and nephew last year for lunch and picked them up from her house. She pretended to be out. I hate the tension ... so last Christmas and this one my DH has arranged to bring the presents over to her house without me. Both times shes again pretended to be out...car on the drive, tv on, curtains twitched but nephew 13 answers the door.
Last summer she sent a message to my 16 yr old DD asking to meet up. When Dd replied she didn't respond back...radio silence until now. She has now sent a message to her again saying she misses her and would like to meet. My DD desperately wants to see her...my Dsis is fun and I can see why. ..Trouble is we live 100 miles away and Dd thinks its fine to ask us to take her to visit. I'm livid. Dd has gone off in a strop and says I'm stopping her because I dislike my Dsis.
My Dsis can drive but it would never cross her mind to actually drive to our town to meet... my Dd thinks I'm hateful and both DH and I say that if she wants to meet her she should ask my Dsis to come here or get 3 trains cross country to visit her... she is 16!! And I dont want her to have to....
This is causing me so much distress as it's just before Christmas and is causing arguments and I'm fuming after all this time she is causing grief for us all. Of course we are the baddies according to Dd .stopping her seeing her auntie.
Suggestions please on how to handle this please. ..

I'd communicate with DSis by way of a short message- you understand she wants to see DD, but she'll to come to your town if so, as it's not feasible for you to drop DD to DSis. DSis can make arrangements with your DH rather than you if she prefers.

she'll need*

I think at 16yo if your dd wants to meet her then she ought to travel to her, invite your sister to visit her local or arrange a suitable mid way point.

You really don't need to be involved and a huffy 16yo would make me even less inclined to do so.

Thank you... yes that makes sense..Dd has said she's happy to travel to Dsis...but wants us to pay the fair!! (don't you just love them!) So we're again the baddies for not wanting to. Dd often sides with her dad and thinks she'll get him to drive. I've told her no. DD has told me not to get involved as I so hate my dsis! The week before Christmas and she's causing a rift..

I suppose you could always return one of her christmas gifts to fund the ticket.....《strokes chin》

Wonder what Dds reaction to that would be

I'd dig in your heels iiwy. Do you want this master manipulator in your daughter's life, just at the point when your daughter is most impressionable and malleable?

Be warned. My sister stole my teenage dd (heart and mind) in a very similar scenario. Some people are pure poison. Don't think your sister wouldn't stoop that low - she shows every sign of it.

You and dd are a package for the foreseeable. Be vague when dd strops about it - but underneath be resolute. Don't get dragged around by the shit storm your sister has created.

It's called grooming btw. May not be sexual (hope not! Doubt it) but no less toxic.

You have no obligation to provide her contact with your DD.
You have no guilt to have, she has been a c* with you.
Cut all ties.

I've got a 16 yr old DD and I wouldn't have her travel across the country taking 3 trains for anyone.

I'd expect your sis to pay for it and make sure the travel arrangements were safe.
Too many lunatics out there for me to allow that.

Does your DH drive the 100 miles to deliver Christmas presents?

Just. ..he visits a friend nearby..so does the both together.

Why don't you just make up? Text her:

This spat of ours is causing our families unnecessary misery. Can we put it behind us? I miss you. Your sister. X

You fell out due to her choices in life and money? How does that work exactly? Do you mean you were disapproving? Or lent her money that she was late paying back? What happened?

I sent her a card this year but didn't get one in return. If she won't even answer the door its obvious I'm flogging a dead horse with regards to making up. As for the fall out.. yes it was over money and her choice of lifestyle which I don't approve of. . ..too complicated to go into depth. My issue is with the sudden 'I miss you and want to see you neice' after 3 years and then not responding in the summer and the hiding when we've called. Childish behaviour. I would rather not let my Dd be drawn into our battles and stop her seeing her auntie but don't want her also to be let down like she was in the summer with no response. I think being the adult if she misses her that much she should meet her in our town. I'll wait to see if she and Dd have any more contact and take it from there. ... thank you all

Actually I think you should pay the fare.

You say it's your sister's choice to not communicate with you and that you miss her.

I don't think you have to go overboard but this sort of situation is very difficult and while you can be (reasonably) honest about the situation and why it arose, I think behaving with dignity and reasonable generosity is better than saying "no not going to help you see your aunt at all". If you do miss your sister, then that's going to go further towards re-establishing some contact than if you get on your high horse.

At 16 your daughter is definitely old enough to travel on her own, but it's hard for her to earn money. So yes, I think you should pay. You can also say then that you're not stopping her seeing her, you're actually helping her, you aren't against your sister and one day hope that all this will heal. But that at 16 she is old enough to travel on her own (as she should at that age for most things!)

don't want her also to be let down like she was in the summer with no response.

actually at 16, you have to let this play out. It's between her aunt and her, now, if her aunt lets her down.... if her aunt doesn't come through, it will also enable your daughter to see her aunt's actions for herself a bit better.

I think the right thing to do would be to pay the fare, if you are happy with your daughter travelling by train to see her.

Let this whole thing play out (whilst remaining the reasonable one) I believe your sister will show your DD her true colours (perhaps let her down in some way) and your DD will learn the hard way, but as she's had your quiet support it'll be ok.

I disagree that because she's 16, you should let her decide. If I wanted my niece to visit and I wasn't talking to my sis, I'd pay for her to come. That's what a responsible adult would do if they wanted to see their niece, not this silly nonsense of hiding when you go to her house. It's ridiculous.

I can understand why you are NC with her. She sounds like a nightmare.

Completely agree that a responsible and considerate adult would offer to pay for their niece's travel, the Aunt clearly is a nightmare, and will not offer to pay.

However, OP's main concern in this instance should be her DD and her relationship with her, appearing to 'stand in the way' of a visit would damage this and make DD even more determined to see aunt.

This is obviously something DD feels strongly about, I think OP should support it, and allow DD to learn what Dsis is really like the hard way.

I agree the OP should bear the cost of the fare.

If you miss her OP she can't be all bad.

Perhaps she wanted you to be her sister and not an authoritarian who tells her how to run her life and finances.