My girlfriend is constantly moaning at me

[user1482177776]

Hi,

My girlfriend and I have an amazing connection and generally are happy. I do love her.

However, every now and then she focuses on something negative and will dwell on it until it becomes a 'thing'. Quite often there is something in what she is saying. There's been a few things: not having sex with her enough, not tidying up, not planning stuff for us to do, not doing the washing, not exercising, not wanting to cuddle? not being a go-getter etc. These things have become themes that she has a go at me about all of the time. I'll do my best address the issue then something else will come up. I have a very stressful job with a lot of responsibilities and I struggle to find energy at the end of the day for her at times but I'm doing my best. I give her much more attention and effort than anyone else I've been in a relationship with.

I don't know if I'm being unreasonable, she's insecure - so needs attention, she wants a good excuse to argue, she's attracted to negativity or I'm just a bad boyfriend?

I'm just sick of the constant worry and stress when we argue. The arguments sometimes get very nasty and almost become physical. I've had enough but I love her and would like us to be normal. It feels toxic and I can't see us moving to the next stage with these issues.

Any advice would be greatly appreciated. Will we ever stop arguing? Are we just not right for each other? How can I stop her from having a go at me constantly? Are we just bad communicators?

For context I'm 32 and she's 22. I'm a professional and she's studying. We live together.

My DP and I were similar to you.
We met during our respective break up healing period. We weren't involved with each other before hand, and we weren't expecting each other to come along.
We also met when we were at our highest stress point (though older at 27&33) and tried to start a relationship amongst all of it. We picked at each other, had arguments and fought like I didn't know I had in me. We dragged each other down at times and made each other unhappy (though in retrospect he now will admit that it was mainly his doing during that first year - he really struggled with his emotions).

The first 18months were often really hard. He's not a romantic. He's not someone who will ever come home unprompted with flowers, or a 'saw this and thought of you' present. I love him like crazy, but he's not the ideal partner I had in my mind and I struggled with that and that's where I became what others may call 'needy' and attention seeking. After we argued he'd shut down and go silent. Which made me worse. He also picked on things - like he was never happy. Drove me crazy.

I honestly believe that we are only together today because I fought for this relationship because I believed in it. I had the make or break conversation with him and meant it. I had to compromise - he's never going to be exactly what I'd imagined. We weren't a Disney movie of romance. And that's okay! Once I'd accepted that, I think I relaxed. He accepted he needed to change his attitude and way of thinking over certain things, and once that happened we sort of fell into place.

Only you will know if she's being reasonable in her requests and you're not being attentive enough. But to be constantly being picked on isn't nice. I had the conversation along the lines of "I know my expectations are too high sometimes. But you can't keep picking on me this way. You either accept that I won't always be a perfect girlfriend, or you move on and find one that will be."

It helped, but she needs to understand that she has some work to do too.

I do my fair share around the house. I cook a few times a week, clean daily and do a few washes a week. I'd say she takes on more of the chores but I equal it out with my DIY jobs.

I'd say I'm quite romantic and thoughtful. I occasionally buy flowers, we have amazing holidays and I buy great gifts if I see something she likes.

This all seems to go out of the window when we argue. She tells me I do nothing but I can think of several nice things I've done for her in the last 3 months.

I also have payed all rent & bills for 3 years. Plus, lend her money often, which she pays back. I subsidise our nights out, weekends away ,dinners etc. I don't mind helping her out because I earn a lot more than her. I have no worries doing that but it really annoys me that she says I do nothing for her.

Also, to be fair, she puts all of her money into the relationship.

I have to admit though I've not been the most attentive person recently with starting a new job with lots of responsibilities which is taking up much of my attention.

I do think there's something in that she feels insecure. Her parents don't show her any love and care. Also, her friends don't live close. So she relies on me as a partner, friend and someone that helps financially. Which creates a weird dynamic and puts a lot of pressure on me.

Also, I do love cuddling and sex with her. I don't want sex twice a day, I'd prefer twice a week. I can do an hour of cuddling /snuggling but I don't want someone around my neck from the second I get in from work.

Thanks for all the great comments. It's really giving me some good perspectives and ways of looking at our issues.

She puts ALL her money into your relationship and you begrudge lending her money which she then repays, even though you earn a lot more than her?

Lovely.

Some people are never happy, you'll end up miserable trying to make yourself into what she wants. Two years isn't that long, consider if this is really the type of person you want to spend your life with.

Aye,

I don't begrudge giving her anything. I just don't like to be told I do nothing for her because I do.

I'm just attempting to give context to our situation. Perhaps I didn't use great wording.

In many ways she is the person I'd like to spend my life with.

She's almost like 2 different people.

There's the happy, fun, positive, great company part of her. Which is her 80% of the time.

The other 20% is the complete opposite. Starting arguments, negative, complaining etc.

When I head home I never know which one it will be that day.

It just sounds as though you aren't right together, maybe down to her immaturity, maybe just to incompatibility. She sounds, to me, clingy and needy while giving very little back. The problem with being young is that, like Mrs said earlier, you get very hung up on things being perfect that you seem to accept no less against your own standards. Obviously only you know if she has a point or not but do you really want to be with someone who drags you down?

User at your age in my career I was very driven and still am. You are not going to change and nor should she expect you too. It would drive me nuts to have a clingy person around (my dd is 7 and I don't mind her being clingy ) but a needy partner....bloody hell no.

Fast forward to kids and marriage a few years and think about how you feel about that with her and all the pressure that brings. Would your relationship stand that test?

When she gets like this is it like she's the parent and you're the child?

So she wants sex twice a day and you twice a week?

Sorry but you're fucked ( no pun intended) - that's a serious mismatch of sex drives and might be behind her other complaints.

She's projecting her idea of a 'perfect man' & 'relationship' onto you....

She wants you to change everything that makes you you to suit her ideal of 'perfect'.

If her complaints were simply about housework etc then fine.....but accusing you of not being a 'go-getter' [fshocked]

I think the kind of ideal she has in her head is one where the older man provides and does everything for her.

She talks like she has no respect for what you do professionally - maybe if you were earning mega bucks that would be spent on her she might think otherwise.

I wonder how much point there is in reflecting on whether you want to spend your life with her, since at 22 the chances this will be that long term are low. I know some people meet there partner at that time, I did, but it is a low percentage I'd imagine.

Their! I am typing so much wrong tonight, sorry.

She has a different idea of perfect and wants to mould you into her ideal man, which in your case is requiring a lot of forcing pushing and stress. This will not end well I'm sorry to say and sad as it sounds I think ending it is best. Otherwise the toxicity levels at home would just rise

An old thread-but it concerns a persistent problem.
Every so often one comes across someone who is an incorrigible grizzler and fault finder. I find that it tends to come in chronological waves and the subject has a total blindness to good timing and will initiate a long-winded drone just as you are leaving the house for work, or are just heading for the bathroom. Nothing you ever do is good enough, and there can be little or no respect from them for the effort you put into life. An extreme 'grizzler' will absorb criticism and abuse from others that they are too cowardly to respond to, and then fire it all at their partner, basically using them as a punchbag. Such extreme cases may also fail to tell you their expectations and/or try and trap you into making what they deem to be crass errors- this then fuels their desire and ability to generate yet more criticism.

Whether a tendency towards this personality defect is down to nature, nurture or a combination of the two, it tends to be incurable and often the only way out is unfortunately to dump the sufferer, who will then do the same thing to a new partner. Regrettably it is unlawful to tattoo them to warn the new 'host' of the impending earache and loss of leisure time.

Baxi.. do you think it’s just plain old Codependency?

I was about to mention the codependency word and the PP beat me to it. It is more accurately termed 'self-love deficit disorder' - where you gain all your validation from outside of yourself, because of a basic lack of self-love.

The problem boils down to that to her, you are her whole world. Nothing else matters except her relationship, and she derives all sense of self and purpose from that.

For you, a more 'normal' person, other things (like work) matter. You need time for yourself. Your own interests (you have probably given these up after 2 years).

I was just like your girlfriend, and this is how I recognise the dynamic. Everything - yes, EVERYTHING becomes an indicator of love or not. And I would spend a lot of time dwelling on things and building them up to have excess meaning in my head - which will be why you never know what you will find when you come home.

However much you give, it will never be enough - and if it ever is, she will lose interest and will end the relationship. The 'uncomfortable comfort zone' for someone like this is to be chasing unconditional, perfect love. When they find it - it feels smothering and boring and they end things. Again, this is what I used to do.

She is probably too young to realise that she needs therapy. Getting with an abusive person is usually what does that. That abusive person isn't you, and the only way to deal with this really is to keep your own boundaries. Recognise what is her problem to deal with and what is yours. Don't take on her stuff, or feel you should have to ease her insecurities - only she can do that.

But really, relationships should not be this difficult. No-one should have to turn into a different person to be acceptable to their partner. Maybe you are simply too different, and the relationship has run its course?