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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Mother in law issues

9 replies

user1479866731 · 19/12/2016 19:52

Hi guys I need some advide regarding MIL. So I have been with my partner for 8 years and we are currently staying at his parents whilst we save which, is really great of them to have us. To cut a long story short, I get on well with his parents they are great people however they are very full on and like to be involved a lot in their children's lives.

My issue is that because his mother is so involved and babied him his whole life sometimes there are a lack of boundaries and sometimes these boundaries make me feel like I don't know if I can be in the relationship anymore as I would have to put up with this forever.

I had a stillbirth 4 years ago and this obviously had a huge impact on everyone but most of all myself having carried him for 8 months and bonding with him. It was a very difficult time and when my MIL started to calling my son her baby I got really upset and had to bite my tongue on a few occasions, but then I tried to understand she had lost her first grandchild and maybe that made her feel better but it made me feel like he was being taken from me as I carried him and he was mine and someone else was calling him theirs... it's been four years since I had him and I would like to try for another baby in two years time.. the problem is I feel like she will try to take over, she has already said she will give up work when 'her babies come' as she will have to look after 'her babies'. I know she will be a good grandparent who obviously had lots of love to give but it really offends me her referring to my future children who have not even been made yet as hers... especially after I have been through such a devastating experience in the past, I know I will be extra protective and sensitive when it comes to future children. It's getting to a point where it's actually making me question my relationship and whether I will want to put up with that. I don't kno if I'm just being harsh, I love them to bits but sometimes it's jut too much.

OP posts:

Heirhelp · 19/12/2016 19:55

You need to get your husband to speak to her.

jeaux90 · 19/12/2016 19:59

I think you are projecting too much. They sound lovely apart from a little over gushy when you do have your child you can hopefully get your DP support to put boundaries in place.

It maybe that you want to get back to work and they will be a great support to you. You don't know that now.

Point is you are worrying about stuff that hasn't happened yet but talk to your DP now if it's that important to you to get rules sorted now.

hmmmum · 19/12/2016 20:06

That would drive me absolutely mad too. It's YOUR baby in the sense that you were the one to experience the tragedy the most by far , and the way she is referring to future babies as hers almost feels like she's trying to take them out of your arms before you've even conceived them!!
Maybe you should show your partner your post - does he know you feel this way? And maybe it'd be good to have some kind of couples counselling over this particular issue because it does sound like your MIL is controlling and your DP needs to be on your side and needs to set those boundaries or it's going to cause too many future problems.
So sorry for your loss

fifipop185 · 19/12/2016 20:10

My DM refers to my DC's as "her babies" but doesn't mean it literally. She has looked after them during the day since they were each 3 months old when I returned to work and has raised them just as much as I have. I don't take offence to her calling them hers, she is very close to them and they adore her. Hope this helps, and I'm so sorry for your loss

NiceFalafels · 19/12/2016 20:10

When she says she's giving up work to look after her babies. Tell her you're not sure when you will be ready to let the little one be away from you. So best not to give up the job.

Spadequeen · 19/12/2016 20:13

I agree you need to get your dp to talk to her and let her know she's going too far

GipsyDanger · 19/12/2016 20:15

I'm with you op. I'd get that "my baby" shit shut down right away. In what way does it compute to this fucker that calling the much loved still birth baby of an other woman "her baby" is just beyond offensive.

BertrandRussell · 19/12/2016 20:16

My mum used to call dd "her girl". It was lovely. She used to come in the door and call "where's my girl?" Dd would come running, yelling "here I am!"

Inertia · 19/12/2016 22:50

I'm sorry for the loss of your son.

Under the circumstances, there was really no need for you to bite your tongue. You had, and still have, every right to say that it is terribly upsetting for you when MIL claims your baby as her own- not only have you suffered the most heart-wrenching loss, she is not even allowing you to grieve as a mother.

You're presenting a very generous opinion of her. To be honest, it sounds as though she is trying to assert herself as the matriarchal head of the family using some especially vindictive motherhood one-upmanship, when she should be supporting you and your partner with an issue that's bound to be sensitive and difficult.

Would you like to tell us about your son? I completely understand if you don't , but it sounds as though you don't often get the chance to express how you feel .

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