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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

How do I make him feel appreciated?

22 replies

TillyLilly9 · 19/12/2016 12:55

I've been with my DP for almost a year, he takes me out for dinner, spoils me with gifts (I never ask for them) but more importantly affection and time.

We live together, we do a lot together at weekends and we share the house work. I cook all the meals but he takes me out. I leave him little cute notes, nice texts and just tell him I love and appreciate him.

Today, he said that he feels he is more into me than I am him, which isn't true. It's a mutual feeling, well so I thought. I've asked him if he's unhappy and he says no, he's so happy and wants to be with me. I just feel a little sad, i'd hate to be on the other end (in fact, I have felt like that previously with my ex and hated it)

I thought I did enough, I can't afford the lavish gifts he buys me but I try and make up for it in other ways. He is the love of my life and I do show this. We have an active sex life usually, but the last two weeks I haven't been able to. I was diagnosed with genital herpes that i'd caught from him - he is so sorry. DP cried on me and said he feels so guilty, he hasn't had an outbreak for over 25 years, we had oral sex and the next day he came out in a coldsore. I then had an outbreak 'down there' a few days later. All is fine, i'm on anti-virals, it hasn't changed things between us we just haven't been able to have sex.

What can I do to make him feel appreciated?

OP posts:

Adora10 · 19/12/2016 13:23

Other than fly a banner from a plane professing your love, I really don't see what else you can do...

TheNaze73 · 19/12/2016 13:29

When he says appreciated, it's male code for sexual related activity.

Happybunny19 · 19/12/2016 13:36

You're clearly already doing so. I'd imagine he's feeling a little insecure given he's just infected you and worried it'll put you off him. Perhaps just reassure him you are not going anywhere.

Original poster

TillyLilly9 · 19/12/2016 13:52

I genuinely thought I did everything. Obviously he knows I can't buy the watches and lovely bits of jewelry but I pick up his favourite drinks/puddings/food when I do the food shop. I have no idea why he said it or feels it.

thenaze We've still done other things... I've made sure he hasn't completely gone without!

happybunny Maybe that's what it is, maybe he feels as though my feelings may change after this situation. They haven't and I made sure he knew I wasn't angry with him or anything.

I'm just confused, it's so out of the blue!

OP posts:

bluebell9 · 19/12/2016 13:56

I think he might be a little insecure. Just keep doing what you are doing, the only person that can stop him feeling insecure is himself.

Nabootique · 20/12/2016 10:45

What Happy said. He is feeling awful about having given you an STD and is looking for reassurance that your feelings haven't changed.

YetAnotherGuy · 20/12/2016 21:32

I've said this before

Go on to a site like LoveHoney

Ask him to select 6 (or more) things he would like you to wear

And then you choose 2 or 3 which appeal to you. And you will get the size right

And as they used to say with with fireworks, light the blue touch paper and ...

Isetan · 21/12/2016 17:57

WTAF! He gave you an STD and he has the gall to complain about lack of appreciation! Why weren't you angry, instead your almost apologetic which is deeply worrying. Don't waste your time guessing or jumping through imaginary hoops, ask him directly what is it that makes him feel unappreciated. Now is the time to talk about expectations because you clearly aren't on the same page and I fear that his 'generous' gift giving, could be a means to keep you on the back foot by making you feel perpetually grateful.

Were you living together before you got together? Living with someone after less than a year sounds rushed and not having STI checks before ditching the condoms, foolish.

The relationship sounds suffocating and the dynamic between you seems unbalanced.

Chippednailvarnishing · 21/12/2016 18:01

WTAF! He gave you an STD and he has the gall to complain about lack of appreciation!

Yup. He's given you herpes and he's making you feel like you have to prove how much you love him?!?!? What's the age difference between you? There's something distinctly off sounding about this.

Joysmum · 21/12/2016 18:04

I think it'd be very interesting to hear his response to the question, 'what ideally do you need to feel appreciated?'

We all need different things and it'll give you an idea of what makes him tick and how he sees the relationship and whether it tallies with yours.

Ellisandra · 21/12/2016 23:36

He whines that you're not as into him as he is you within 2 weeks of you being nice about him giving you the life long gift of herpes?!!!
What an arsehole

What more are you supposed to do?

Gut feel? He's an arsehole and he's deliberately trying to make you feel shit. Some people are nasty abusive shits. My gut says he's one of them.

I don't buy that he's needing reassurance because he just gave you a permanent STI
Needy and reassuring would look more like him telling you he worries he's not good enough, not him saying you don't do enough.

Just to rein myself in a bit in case of an over reactive gut...

I would suggest two things: put the onus on him to explain what he means. He can't just drop that on you and walk away.

Secondly, try googling 5 love languages and taking the quiz together. My boyfriend and I found it interesting - though we weren't having issues. We both score very highly on giving / wanting physical affection as a sign of love. But we found we both used one love language that the other person wasn't bothered by at all. (Me - I give gifts, him - acts of service - I may have the terms wrong though)

Naicehamshop · 22/12/2016 06:28

What exactly does he expect you to do? Cartwheel naked down the street shouting "I love MrTilly?"

It sounds as if he is trying to put you on the back foot. He has given you herpes, and instead of just sincerely apologising he has started to make you feel that you are in the wrong about something.

I may be wrong but I'm starting to see a red flag waving on the horizon here ...

pklme · 22/12/2016 06:45

I caught a glimpse of two little red flags, but thought I must be oversensitive...

Summerlovinf · 22/12/2016 07:24

How about a Durex gift set, or a subscription to the GUM clinic?

corythatwas · 22/12/2016 09:14

Why is it so shocking that he gave the OP an STD? It was a coldsore, which he did not know was going to flare up. Unfortunately, it then turned into a genital outbreak for the OP- how is that his fault? A large part of the population has dormant coldsore herpes: are we supposed never to have sex again? It's hardly proof of loose living.

I totally get that he shouldn't be whining about lack of appreciation- but why should he be apologetic about the coldsore? The medical advice is to abstain during an actual flare-up: he didn't know a flare-up was coming.

corythatwas · 22/12/2016 09:16

fwiw a friend of mine contracted herpes long before she was sexually active, through a coldsore passed on by a relative; eventually it resulted in genital outbreaks

is that some kind of moral issue?

BertrandRussell · 22/12/2016 09:25

I sometimes wish I could go round to poster's houses and give them a "mum" talk.........

Original poster

TillyLilly9 · 22/12/2016 09:32

Woah guys

Firstly, he's not controlling, maybe a little over sensitive and doesn't have much confidence!

Thank you for all your ideas. summerlovinf especially yours, really funny that now, your response is really appreciated. Now off you fuck.

I'd just like to clarify my boyfriend ISN'T a walking disease, he's actually a really loving, professional and wonderful guy. We had sex, he had a flare up on his mouth and a couple of days later I had a flare up down there. I've never realised it was such a disgusting thing but thanks to PP for raising that for me. Of course it was a shock and was something I wish he didn't give me, but he has, through no fault of his own! So now we must deal with it together. For the poster who mentioned STI checks before ditching condoms - well, actually, we both had had recent checks. They don't diagnose herpes until there is an outbreak - obviously i'd never had one.

I've had controlling/abusive before and it's actually worrying some would say that's abusive, because he feels i'm more into him that makes him abusive? Not in my opinion. I simply posted this to see if there was anything else I could do to ease that insecurity.

corythatwas thank you for your response, it's made me feel a little better. I didn't realise it shocked so many people...

OP posts:

StewieGMum · 22/12/2016 09:34

He gave you herpes and now he's whining?
You need to have an open and honest conversation about expectations. Including the fact that a man go without sex for 2 weeks without dying. You aren't responsible for making sure 'he doesn't go without' when you have an STD. He has two hands. He can use them.

Chippednailvarnishing · 22/12/2016 09:35

So now we must deal with it together

Yes, by you proving just how much you love him...

BertrandRussell · 22/12/2016 09:50

Tillly. Of course it's not disgusting.

But the two main things that worried me in your post is his "prove how much you love me" narrative and your "I make sure he doesn't go without" line. He is making you responsible for his emotional state. And telling you when you don't do it to his satisfaction. And for satisfying his sexual needs.

Costacoffeeplease · 22/12/2016 10:15

This seems 'off' to me too, topped with little red flags, be very careful here

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