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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Works party - A bad idea maybe?

45 replies

1DAD2KIDS · 18/12/2016 17:27

Last night I went to a work Christmas party. It was one of those big parties in a hotel with lots of groups from other companies and industries. Anyway I sort of got it on with one of my colleges. She come over and started talking to me. We don't see a lot of each other in work (nature of the job) so this was the first time I had really got to know her apart from taking to her a bit last week. We got on really well, she was a pleasant surprise. Funny, quirky, smart and a twisted sense of humour. I am a bit of an odd ball so its rare for me to find someone interesting. She has a very sex brain and also good looking too. Also we are both single parents and her girl is the same age as my eldest, so we have a bit in common. Anyway conversation led to a spark and a spark led to great kissing somewhere private. It was very hot and a lot of fun. I felt like a teenager again behind the bike shed. Anyway we parted our ways eventually at stupid o'clock in the morning and she said she would like to go on a date sometime.

The trouble is where do I take it from here? I mean is wasn't looking to meet someone. I had sort of given up on relationships, so this has hit me right out the blue. Plus I have never had a thing with someone from work before, ever. So this is unchartered territory for me. I defiantly would be open to a date with her and see where it goes. I could do with some MN collective wisdom on the following:

Is it wise to see someone you work with or should it be avoided at all cost?

Although we kept it fairly low key I think so of our colleagues know what happened and the gossip machine will be going nuts. What's the best way of dealing with it because I am sure some noisy people will be pushing for info on Monday?

I text her last night in the taxi home. She has not text me today. So should I text her? Should I wait for her to text me? What if she has changed her mind, don't want to cause awkwardness. What is the protocol on this?

OP posts:
1DAD2KIDS · 20/12/2016 23:40

It's very random, depends on our how are shift patterns line up. But it is enebital that we will bump into each other soon. Hopefully nothing will change and we can get on the same.

Just wish I'd not asked her today as it's my birthday and put a dampener on things. That of course is stupid because if she had said yes then I would be anxious about my work and personal life mixing.

OP posts:
FeralBeryl · 21/12/2016 00:00

Oh Angry how rude. Look never say never, there could well be a good reason she hasn't answered yet.
I didn't used to text (now DH) back in any kind of timely manner just in case it turned into a big chat, and I wanted time to think of witty conversations Hmm
Well done either way on sending her a text, don't feel daft please, oh and HAPPY BLOODY BIRTHDAY WineWine

1DAD2KIDS · 21/12/2016 00:07

Thanks. Of course the show may not be over. Maybe she is playing it super cool? Maybe she accidently baked her phone in the oven mistaking it for the chocolate brownie she prepared earlier? But considering I text a 9am the odds look well against me.

It's hardly the worst thing that can happen.

Still I have had a nice birthday with the kids and then family tonight. So all has not been bad. Except my eldest little monkey has sneaked her way into my bed tonight and is snoring away like a monster.

OP posts:
FlowerOfTheValley · 21/12/2016 00:13

Hopefully you'll get a chance to chat at some point.

Sorry it put a dampener on your Birthday but happy Birthday, hope your day was good otherwise. Cake

FeralBeryl · 21/12/2016 00:27

She could well be! I nearly fucked things up a couple of times with my antics Blush
But I was younger and foolish and pre kids then, I'd like to think I was past the game playing now.
If it doesn't happen, at least you can clear your head of work worries eh.
Glad birthday was nice- we've got the same here, 2 of them have snuck in to bed with DH and I can't be arsed doing the magic one cheeked balancing act so it's the couch for me I think Hmm

1DAD2KIDS · 21/12/2016 00:38

They'll both be jumping around on my bed come morning. I often wonder if there is such a thing as a day off?

OP posts:
FeralBeryl · 21/12/2016 00:45

Meh, we'll sleep when we're dead

Joinednow · 21/12/2016 08:05

Belated happy birthday Cake Xmas Grin
Hang in there, maybe she hasn't had a chance to get back to you. If it's meant to be, it's meant to be. No harm in you having tried. At least you didn't snog and disappear Grin

1DAD2KIDS · 21/12/2016 13:08

Well would you fancy that; she just text me and said she would love too after Christmas. She apologies that because of all the Christmas stuff she forgot to text. I do that all the time.

The late reply in its self is a good sign for me. I am often late to reply or just simply forget to. I guess it a result of spinning to many plates at the same time or being a scatter brain. I hate it when ex's including my ex wife would get upperty if I didnt text back streight away or text them all the time. So maybe like me she simply forgets and/or has a more relaxed attitude like me. It's good because I don't like needy people. The only reason I was worried I been ghosted is because in my experience most women I have know text back instantly and constantly want text conversation if they like someone.

Now just to worry about my personal and work life mixing. I mean what if she wants me to add her on Facebook? That is scary. I have no one from work on there. I like everyone I work with but my Facebook is limited to a very select few, that why I use an alias instead of my real name. Then if the people I work with on there see me on hers they will want to add me too. That would put me out comfort zone. Oh it's a brave new world.

OP posts:
Joinednow · 21/12/2016 13:48

That's a good way forward. You are overthinking it. Go with the flow and enjoy the experience. No need to think it all all at once. Baby steps! She might be agonising over the same things Grin

hellsbellsmelons · 21/12/2016 14:06

Stop over thinking every little detail!
So she says 'I'll look you up and add you as a facebook friend'
Your response 'You won't find me on there, sorry'
Job done - don't stress it.
Take everything as it comes.
Don't over analyse.
Don't over pressurise yourself.
Chill out and enjoy it, one day at a time!

FeralBeryl · 21/12/2016 14:59

Yaaay!
I like her already for being a likeminded text slattern Grin
Stop stop stop over thinking it or you'll spoil it for yourself by adding too much pressure.
I wouldn't mention facebook at all, if she does, I'd just say you hardly ever go on - I wouldn't say you weren't on there though, if you do come up as a suggested friend etc, she'll feel hurt and like you're hiding something.
DH and I met at work and worked together many times, it was fine - really.

donajimena · 21/12/2016 15:04

Don't worry about the facebook thing. I've never added boyfriends to facebook until I think its more than a fling. You are overthinking!

Ineedmorelemonpledge · 21/12/2016 15:44

1DAD I've been on a lot of your other posts so I get the jist of you, and your situation so to speak...Xmas Grin

But here I agree - stop overthinking things!

And happy birthday (same day as me! Wine)

She'll be thinking the same way as you if she's an intelligent person with a family focus.

Keep it personal, work time is for work, free time for the social side. You can discuss the boundaries on your next date.

Take it slow, and enjoy some dating and grown up time outside the crazy life of single parenthood.

I thought I'd never do it all again after my narc ex walked.

3 months later and I meet my DP. He couldn't be more opposite, two years on and we are still together, living separately because we both have family lives, and need to focus on the kids, but we also have a great time together.

I went through all the same quandaries (apart from the work ones) and thought about walking away a few times.

I'd have missed out on the sweetest, kindest and downright hottest guy and my life would be all the poorer for it.

And gossip from your Christmas party? If you'd come to mine you'd think Caligula was the CEO. Xmas Shock

It's all forgotten about by February!

1DAD2KIDS · 21/12/2016 18:18

Well everyone as you can guess I have no intentions of mentioning face book to her. It was more to just give an example of how I don't like my little boxes mixing. But if she was to ask I have no intensions of lying about it so I would have to add her and potentially open up my private world.

I know its early days but I am worried about what if she wants something more serious that I do? If that was the case I wouldn't want to waist her time or her over invest. So if it a good idea to get an idea of what she is looking for relationship wise early on?

I don't want anymore kids (that reminds me I must sort out the snip sometime), I don't want marriage and I don't want to mix family life's. But I do want to find something deeper than the causal arrangement I have had since my ex wife and share a bit of my life with someone special. Ineedmorelemonpledge you seem to have the perfect relationship model to me. As many who know me know my ex wife did a bit of job on me, I guess it what people call emotionally abusive. So for me keeping independence is key because I realise I am the only one who can protect me and work in my interest without an ulterior game. I love the idea of having someone special who also has their own life to concentrate on too. Someone who is just happy to enjoy that free time together but also wishes to be independent. I guess partly what attracted me to her is when talking to her I got this impression she was of the same thinking. As well as attractive, a little twisted and very funny. Oh and sexy deep smoky eyes. I guess (I know this probably makes me sound unromantic) but I want a friend, lover and equal not another dependant (my ex wife made her self dependant on me from the start). Also my experience of previous girlfriends has been that many of them have been very intense and wanted to take things fast early on (don't know if I have been picking nutters or they decide I am a keeper early on).

Yes sorry am over thinking it. But I suppose it is good to work out what I want in the first place and work out the errors I have made in the past. You know its strange, scary and exciting. I have had a few casual things with some beautifully intelligent women but never felt like I want something more, even though with a couple I did feel that the offer of something deeper was on the table if I wanted it. I wasn't looking to date someone that night. I never entertained the idea or at least till the kids grow up. So there must be something a bit special about her for me to feel differently and want to start dating, maybe have a relationship? Like I said this in unchartered territory for me. So I will just come with an open mind and go with the flow. I am in no rush and the slower the better for me. Another chapter of the roller-coaster the last couple of years have been.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 21/12/2016 18:33

Ain't you the lucky guy, having MN to chat this through with ? Smile

1DAD2KIDS · 21/12/2016 18:36

You guys are great. It's either confide in you or talk to the cat. You give better answer's and you breath don't stink of cat food (I asume Grin).

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 21/12/2016 18:37
Smile
Ineedmorelemonpledge · 21/12/2016 19:58

I hear you 100 % 1DAD but try and tell yourself that not all women are like your ex, and everyone deserves a first chance.

Time for a post Christmas drink and to lay some of your cards on the table.

I wouldn't be so upfront to say you don't want a life with her (we are talking about moving in this year, but at our pace, and I never thought that'd happen) just that you like her but you need to take things at a pace that you can handle. She might find deep relationship talks overwhelming too, but in this way you can be upfront about what you can give.

When you have families you put first it's self limiting anyway, but that can be fun! We still feel like teenagers when we get a night to ourselves.,. Xmas Grin

And we are both the king and Queen of overthinking believe me.

FeralBeryl · 22/12/2016 11:00

I've already said that I worked with DH, I was also completely, categorically not wanting any sort of relationship. I think this was one of the reasons that it worked Grin there was far less pressure as I wasn't bothered either way. The only problem I had was the 'work' issue. Which as it turned out didn't exist.
We were low key, but lots of people still knew and weren't arsed after a few weeks of 'ooooh'

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