Was this a betrayal? Really confused.

[SamKro]

Sorry this is long....

Ex h and I have 3 young DC. 3 years ago I had an emotional affair and ended up leaving DH for OM. Ex h was an alcoholic, we hadn't been intimate in a long time and he was emotionally abusive to DD. I realise this is no excuse for having an affair, I'm explaining why it was a bad marriage.

At the time of the affair I tried to talk to my mother about it and she refused, she's always been fairly emotionally distant with me. She then proceeded to tell Ex h that I was having an affair and followed me in her car and take pictures of me at OM's house to report to Ex h. There was a confrontation. he hit me and the police were called. I left him.

My mother told all her side of the family as well as family friends how awful I was and now family members won't speak to me and I'm considered some kind of pariah.

Ex and I split the money from the house sale and decided he's have weekend custody of our DC. He then moved in with my mother for 6 months while his house was being renovated, a house she gave him money to help purchase.

She claims she supported him in order to spend time with the DC and so that the DC would have some stability. Ex h is verbally abusive towards me, owes me money for maintenance, messes me around with the times he is supposed to have DC and is generally a bit of a dick. She has never pulled him up on any of this.

I'm still with OM, we are very happy and have a child together, DC are very settled and happy. My mother is now trying to build bridges. What should I do?

Just to add when I was young and found myself pregnant with DD she chucked me out of our (very large) family home and changed the locks, I moved into a bedsit and the following year was the hardest of my life so her lack of loyalty isn't anything new.

She wants you to 'deal' with your anger?

How do you feel about the conditions being placed on you for having something that your mother wants for herself?

Please walk away. Protect yourself and your DD, and if possible your other children, from this toxic woman.

Just because she gave birth to you doesn't mean she gets to stay in your life . That right has to be earned, and it sounds like she's blown it many times over.

That woman is no mother.

Its completely normal that you would want her to always be the way she is when she is being nice, and that when she isn't you blame yourself. That doesn't make it right, but it is normal.

I think in this case your DP has a clearer view than you and he is right in not letting her near the child you share.

Definitely do not enter into any form of counselling with her, especially when its framed as an issue for you to deal with. Its just another tool she is using to put you down. You also should acknowledge that ,if you have anger over the way she treated you, you are perfectly entitled to be angry over that. You move on when apology and concession is made from the other side. No acknowledgment means you can't move forward. That's also fine, because her actions are not your problem to fix.

Good luck

Bloody hell your mother is a piece of work. This won't end well, listen to your dp and have nothing to do with this toxic individual.

Good God what a terrible woman. How absolutely awful for you op, this is more than betrayal and there is something seriously amiss with your mother.

I had a friend who behaved in this bizarre manner. She dumped longstanding friends and family in a random manner including me. She even took in the ex husband of her closest friend who felt destroyed. She even secretly dated a man I used to see.

I suspect your mother has no close friends and you must move on and listen to your DP who is trying to protect you and your dd.

I don't think you realise how abnormal her behaviour is because you have come to expect this cruelty. It is not normal behaviour, it is appalling and you truly deserve some kindness after a lifetime of this.

Thanks, DP is saying pretty much exactly the same things as you guys.

I even started to wonder if he was the one with the problem rather than my mother .....

I just don't understand her or the situation. I'm also wondering why if she is apparently so devoid of love for me, is she so desperate to love my children?

I actually pity her as don't like the thought of her (or anyone) lonely and troubled. It's a shame she couldn't have extended me the same duty of care.

If you let her in the door, she will just seek to control you and come between you and your DP. Be happy you have a nice man and you are divorced from your ex. Unfortunately you cannot divorce your mother, but you do not have to respond to her. It is okay not to.

Counselling for yourself might be a good idea, though. You have got rid of the abuse in your life, don't walk back into it.

You know when people say that you only know your real friends when the shit hits the fan? She's let you down twice now when you mostly needed her.
Now she's missing the kids, she wants to be back in your life...
Hmmm, I guess I'd still let dc see her sometimes but I wouldn't let her into my life much . It could even affect your new relationship and you know what she'd do if that happens...

So sorry you've been through this

You need boundaries to protect yourself from her her behavior. Her behavior is the reason you need boundaries. This does not generate guilt on your part in any way shape or form.

If she is too difficult for you to deal with, then she is too difficult for your dc (all of them) to be around. Protect them.

She wants access to your dc to use them as tools to hurt you further. It seems hurting you is her favorite sport. Do not participate in it. Perhaps counselling on your own to recover from her appalling behavior to you would be helpful to you. Her suggestion for counselling together is to manipulate a professional onto her side to shame you back in your "place". She is deflecting responsibility for her actions onto you in the guise of anger management issues on your part. You have every right to be angry and seem to be handling it very well.

The way forward, imho, would be to go completely no contact. Her loneliness is her problem. You have no family duty to her- she punched out that card (many times over). You can not continue to be a renewable resource for her 'shit on you' sport. It sets a terrible example for your children-she wants to train your children how to shit on you too.

Stay away from her. Your dp is spot on here. Trust him, never trust your mother.

You would be mad to allow her in to your life. MAD MAD MAD.

My brother is a bit of a mummy's boy. We've barely spoken in the past three years, although he would to go to my mothers along with my ex h for Sunday roasts on occasion.

He said DP and I are unreasonable for not allowing my mother to meet our new baby and that there is right and wrong in both sides and that we should make up.

I explained that although I may have 'wronged' my ex h by having an affair and leaving him, I have never wronged my mother. He conceded, but said I should just make amends anyway.... I feel quite let down by him.

Her place as a mother is not to sit in judgement pulling you to bits.

She'll try to come between you and DP AND you and your children.

I would tell her that she needs to write to everyone she maligned you to and explain she was a troublemaker who let down her own daughter.

Once she's done that, I would wash my hands of this cruel, manipulative excuse for a mother.

She sounds like a narcissist....that vindictiveness she has shown by so blatantly siding with your ex is typical. Narcs don't just want to trip you up, they want to kick you whilst your down as well.

Don't waste your energy trying to figure out why your own mother would do this to you....narcissists don't have any empathy and they are incapable of putting the wellbeing of others first. Everything has to revolve around them.

Your brother is the 'flying monkey' sent to "knock some sense into you".
I take it he never spoke up in your defense when his mother was sticking the knife in your back?
Tell him to butt out.

Re the suggestion of counselling. She sees it as your fault that she is in this situation.
She hasn't acknowledged or accepted her actions in this, or how it made you feel. Instead she just wants to brush it under the carpet and start 'afresh'.
She wants to control people, events - the WHOLE thing!

She shouldn't be allowed unsupervised access to your dc, i can just imagine the kind of manipulative shit she'd be filling their heads with.

My xfil is a bit like your mum. For years after i left his son he'd send horrible typed letters ( snuck in to a chridtmas card!) telling me my faults. Now that he has fallen out with his son / my x he is hand writing good wishes inside christmas cards but it is all about control. His interest in the children is that they are more malleable, i think. He thinks that he can control their perception of him. It is confusing tho. These grandparents who were shit parents wantingvso badly to be in their gc's lives when they bullied/belittled and in the case of my x tiedup their own child.

My xfil can fuck off and when he gets there he can fuck off again. I know it is easier to ignore an xfil than a parent but it sounds like my x has finally cut his father out of his life and so now my xfil is trying to get to his son by developing some sort of relationship with me. My x has no worries there.

My mother did something similar to yours. The only time I feel true peace is when I go no contact with her. The guilt I feel about her not being in my childrens lives takes over sometimes and I buckle, but it's always against my gut feeling and it always, without fail, makes me feel utterly shit about myself.
If you can afford it therapy is very useful at unpicking this sort of stuff, I had three amazing sessions until me money pot was needed for a new car, house etc. those three sessions helped immensely, to have someone other than friends/family look at the situation I found very cathartic to you, she is truly fucking awful x

You have children yourself - could you ever think of behaving like your mother has towards your own children? Never in a million years, right?

What an awful woman. Don't be sucked in and don't let your kids near that vile woman.

Please post in the Stately Homes thread (it's under Relationships). You'll find lots of great advice there.

Your mother is deeply toxic, and simply wants access to your children. I'd be very worried she could turn them against you if allowed access. You should take this as an opportunity to go NC.

As a pp suggested you should read the "Toxic Parents" book. It's also available as an ebook from IBooks, Amazon and likely many more online bookstores.

She's not trying to love your children, she is trying to own them.

I would tell her that she needs to write to everyone she maligned you to and explain she was a troublemaker who let down her own daughter.

Once she's done that, I would wash my hands of this cruel, manipulative excuse for a mother.

I would do exactly this.

she just wants control. she used your xh to control u by hirting u, supporting him in ways she never supported u, she controls u by ensuring u have no family support by lying about u to them, she'd feed your children the same lies.
now she doesn't have your xh to use to manipulate your feelings she's come crawling back as the lack of power is destroying her. she knows you are happy and settled and she cannot stand it. she is not being nice, she is creepy, preying on your good nature for you to give and inch, so she can take a mile.
'unfortunately you have shown that you do not prioritise my feeling at time when i need you the most, subsequently i am not interested in pursuing a relationship with you. if xh is not interested in being the children to see u either then unfortunately u will not see them either. this is a life lesson mother, you reap what you sow'
and then please go and live happily ever after, cos this woman will bring you nothing but pain

so many spelling mistakes i'm going again....

she just wants control. she used your xh to control u by hurting u, supporting him in ways she never supported u, she controls u by ensuring u have no family support by lying about u to them, she'd feed your children the same lies.
now she doesn't have your xh to use to manipulate your feelings she's come crawling back as the lack of power is destroying her. she knows you are happy and settled and she cannot stand it. she is not being nice, she is creeping, preying on your good nature for you to give and inch, so she can take a mile.
'unfortunately you have shown that you do not prioritise my feelings at times when i need you the most, subsequently i am not interested in pursuing a relationship with you. if xh is not interested in bringing the children to see u, then unfortunately u will not see them either. this is a life lesson mother, you reap what you sow'
and then please go and live happily ever after, cos this woman will bring you nothing but pain