Felt safer with abusive ex then I do apart

[CockapooMum]

My ex is currently in prison serving 56 days for the 2nd breach of a restraining order I have against him. I can't stop thinking about him but am also scared of when he is released just after Christmas as once he's had a drink I'm sure he will attempt to contact me or turn up at my address as he has before.

In the past he has smashed my car windscreen and lounge windows and I moved house to escape him. He found out my new address and I am terrified he will turn up once released.

I know this sounds incredibly stupid but I can honestly say I felt safer when I was in a relationship with him then I do when we're apart. At least when we were together I knew when he was drinking and could tip toe round him so as not to set him off or try to avoid him altogether.

When he's sober he's the most charming loving man but I recognise now he also manipulates me but once he's had a few drinks he changes and becomes nasty and starts looking for an argument. He has damaged my property whilst drunk. He doesn't know when to stop and gets so drunk he can barely walk and I get scared of him.

Before he was arrested for the latest breach I was constantly on eggshells looking out the window for any sign of him, scanning the streets when I'm out in case I see him. I've been scared to go out alone.

Whilst he's in prison I know I'm safe but I can't get him out of my head. I literally cannot stop thinking about him. Part of me still loves him as when things were good they were great and I do miss him at times but I know we aren't good together and he is a compulsive liar. I really cannot get him out of my head. I wish I could. Everywhere I look I see or hear something that reminds me of him and despite everything he has done I still have feelings for him that I wish I could turn off.

How do I begin to move forward with my life for me and my girls? The police have extended the restraining order for 2 years now and I know they wouldn't have done that lightly. I'm classed as high risk but I can't get that in my head as on the one hand I don't feel high risk of physical violence from him but on the other I am terrified of him turning up here. The case is going to MARAC which I have no idea what that means other than to do with multi agency working.

This probably reads terribly as my head is so messed up. It's affecting my work and I really need to get him out of my head. Any advice to help me stop thinking about him.

I won't engage with him for the sake of my girls. I know I'd lose everything if I did and my family would likely disown me too. I know he's no good for me but he's so charming and good at talking his way back in as he has done in the past but I know I would be risking everything if I took him back so I won't. Plus it would only be a matter of time til he got drunk and that's when I'm most at risk from him.

I need to try to move forward with my life but I'm finding it so hard at the moment. I can't get into the festive spirit and haven't even got my tree up yet.

I have no more savings after moving this time from paying the bond as he drained me of all my savings so am stuck here as can't afford to move again so soon.

Do the lettings agency / landlord know your position? Sometimes they know they can re-let the property easily again so you might be able to leave penalty-free. Worth asking anyway?

They knew when I took this house I wanted to move quickly due to escaping ex but not talked to them about recent events but it's definitely worth a shot. Maybe they will let me transfer my bond if I take another of their properties and leave sooner. I'll get in touch with them first thing Monday and find out.

Good idea - they may be able to swish you across quite easily, good luck :)

Change your number. Tell your boss what's happening and ask him to change your work number too. Put up a tree, for your children's sake. And come here for support whenever you feel wobbly. MN is a great support, I find.

Thanks I'll email my boss tonight to see if can do it and he can then get ball rolling. I'll force myself to get the tree up tomorrow with my girls. I really don't feel like celebrating this year but I have to for them.

You can do this. You are stronger than you know.

Just another thing for you to hold on to.... If it is serious enough you have a MARAC alert on you, if you get back into a relationship with him, SS will start looking at whether your girls should be living with you, especially as he isn't their father. Even if he doesn't live with you, they will be making steps to protect your children.

It may seem a faff to change numbers/address, but what if that scumbag wheedled his way back in to your life with a "you and me against the world, babe" narrative, and then persuaded you to move and change numbers to hide from SS? Would you let him do this move/number change to you and your children? Your girls will be in so much danger and if SS/police caught up with you, they would take them into care. This has happened to another poster on MN, who is still railing against the injustice of having her kids taken off her, but can't see that the one thing she needs to do is 100% block and resist the abuisve partner.

It is really hard living with fear, but you can do this. Go to church and find your strength through prayer and a loving community. Confide in your pastor.