Stupid argument with DM

[Hidingtonothing]

Am generally really close to DM but she's really upset me today and I can't work out which of us is in the wrong, suspect it's a bit of both tbh. We lost DGM a few weeks ago so we're both struggling atm, I've tried really hard to be there for her and sort of prioritise her grief if that makes sense, she's lost her DM after all.

I suppose I have pushed my own grief down and bottled it up a bit though and I'm at the point now where I'm starting to feel the effects of that. I have a history of depression and anxiety and I'm aware I'm sinking again, know I need to see the GP but am struggling to find the time or energy to actually go.

We've argued today because she was trying to pin me down to some plans for an event she wants to take my DD to. I can't seem to think straight atm and am aware I was a bit vague and non committal but it wasn't anything that needed much advance planning and I wasn't doing it deliberately just needed a bit of time to think about the logistics.

I think it was mostly just an unfortunate clash of mood tbh, she can be really pushy and sort of single minded about things that she deems important and doesn't seem to think about other people's feelings when she gets like that and I just feel like I have mind fog and can't think straight enough to make decisions, guess that's not a good combination.

I just feel really upset that I've tried so hard to make allowances for how she's been feeling lately but she can't seem to do the same for me. I ended up bursting into tears and hanging up on her this afternoon which I feel really bad about now but I need her to understand that I'm really struggling and just need her to back off and stop pressuring me about things that really aren't that urgent. Don't know what to do now, think she's just so wrapped up in her own feelings she can't or won't see things from my perspective but until she does I don't see how we can resolve things between us. Hate falling out with her but need her to understand that I'm really not coping well and cut me some slack.

I think you need to apologise for hanging up on her - that isn't nice

And then tell her what you've said in this post

Thanks, I have tried since I posted but she's refusing to see my side of it and doesn't appear to care how I'm feeling. I'm not completely surprised, it's rare we argue but she always strings it out for days or even weeks afterwards when we do. She gets totally immersed in the idea that her feelings should always come first and point blank refuses to accept that she might be at fault too. She leans on me heavily emotionally but is never there when I need that kind of support although she's great if I need practical help.

I'm just sick of having to appear strong, it's fine for her to be emotional and even weak and irrational but it's different when it's me. Trouble is DH can't cope with me being upset either so I literally feel as though I'm not allowed to cry. I have DD pretty much all day every day and don't want to upset her by letting the mask slip during the day and then I have to put a brave face on it when she's in bed and it's just me and DH or he gets annoyed with me so I have no outlet at all. I'm just sick of keeping my feelings bottled up and feel like I'm about to explode, just need a bloody good cry and someone to hug me and tell me everything will be ok.

Big family bust ups are very common after a bereavement. Nobody is thinking clearly, there are huge stresses and lots of emotions flying around. Be kind to yourself and be kind to her and you will get through it.

You poor thing. No wonder you are struggling. I always feel better when I can talk to a friend or someone about things. Just talking about things puts things in perspective and a problem shared is a problem halved.

After your post, my sympathies have shifted in your direction. Parents are the ones who set the tone of family relationships

I think you are also finding out that parents can behave like children too, particularly when they have lost a parent

Do you have any friends you can call on for help?

Only one I'm close enough to and she has enough of her own going on (high risk pregnancy and her own family problems) so I don't really feel comfortable dumping on her atm. I just feel like I was only just coping and this has pushed me over the edge, it's my birthday today to add insult to injury and all I want to do is hide under the duvet.

happy birthday

I think you need to cut back a bit the support you offer your DM. You have DD to think of, and can't give what you haven't got. You aren't responsible for DM's journey through grief, she is a grown up and must manage it herself. It's not an easy time for any of you, hopefully in time you will be able to patch it all up back to its old standard, when feelings are a little less raw. For now, you need a bit of space.