Fallen out of love and don't know how to end it

[mummyceecee]

So I have been with my partner for nearly 12 years & we have a 5 yo dd. The last few years have been hard, money wise, he got into debt with PCN;'s that he didn't pay and the charges spiraled out of control. Balliff's have been numerous times & he promises to sort everything out and never does. He constantly borrows money from me and friends/family and its hard work trying to get him to pay it back. I work part time but pay all of the rent and bills, he barely has enough at the end of the week week to contribute anything to the household as he is normally paying me back from what he's borrowed during the week.
Christmas is almost here and he hasn't bought one gift for dd, I have bought everything. I always do. I always have.

I'm at the stage where I just don't want to know him anymore, I come home from work, cook dinner and take dd to bed so I don't have to be around him. We have no physical relationship and never do anything together. I've realized now that I don't love him anymore, except as the father of our child. I also know I can cope without him but I'm hesitant to tell him as he suffers from depression and has been suicidal in the past. He would have nowhere to go and couldn't afford to rent alone (he'd never pass the credit check anyway). He refuses to take anti depressants anymore (mainly because he never has the money for the prescription, he'd normally borrow that off me in the past) which makes me angry as he doesn't seem to want to help himself. I have tried in the past to help him with his finances, offered to contact debt helplines with him but he's so secretive about money. I am open and honest about my finances with him but he lies all the time, about what he earns, if he's paid certain debts, I have no idea where his money goes. I used to think maybe he had a drug problem, he shows no sign of it but he used drugs regularly (weed) before we had dd, this is what I am resorting to thinking as I cannot see any logical explanation about what happens to his wages. He never buys clothes or anything like that. Doesn't drink.

He's lied to me so much that all trust is gone. I have tried talking to him but he isn't very good at it. He finds it hard to discuss things and just gets angry and storms off. The last time I tried to get the truth about something from him he started saying he was going to end his life, said goodbye to our dd and walked out. This left her in tears and then he was back an hour later saying he had no where to go and could he just sleep on the sofa. I don't want to create a situation that makes him feel so low he would do something stupid, I don't want my dd to grow up without her dad but I don't want her growing up thinking its normal to not get on with your partner and live in misery. She's a very intelligent 5 yo and leaps to the defense of her dad if we ever argue, for fear he will walk out again. It makes me feel awful because she must think I am the reason he left.

I don't know how to end a relationship with someone who has depression and debt problems. I don't want him to think they are the reason its over. Its over because I have fallen out of love.

Danceswithotters I took his key from him so he can't get back in. Now I know about his drug habit I knew to not take any chances if he went. I doubt it's the last I see of him but i think he knows deep down it's over.

He asked to come and see DD tomorrow, I said no. He asked for some clean clothes and better shoes. Said he's sleeping rough and would I leave them outside for him. It's raining and I felt bad. He asked me to make him a coffee in a flask as he hasn't had anything for a feed so I did and then I sat in the dark and watched him through the window, collect his stuff and leave. I feel awful. Can't stop crying. I know he has chosen this life but I feel responsible. DD is fast asleep and I can only imagine how I would feel if I couldn't see her. I'm not a horrible person, I'd help anyone if I could but I don't think I can help him and I feel so sad about that,

You’re doing the right thing,he’s not a good figure in your daughter’s life.

If he really cared about his daughter, he would have made an effort to change and buy antidepressants over heroin. To search for a new job instead of lying about being fired. To not drag you all further and further in debt whilst having a family that suffers as a result. To try and get help for his mental health

I know it’s so hard but you need to be as strong as possible and try to fight off your sympathy for him. He needs a massive change to realise the error of his ways. He’s guilt tripping you now when he was the one making you out to be a psycho for your suspicions when you were correct. He deserves this - the next steps are up to him

So sorry your going through this, he’s a loser and needs to get his shit together and his priorities sorted!
I posted last night about my lying, stealing OH and it just makes you feel worthless.
Mine too has problems with anxiety and depression but has thankfully recently accepted treatment for this.
The worst part is the children, we have a 2yr old, I kicked him out at the weekend but have since let him back as I couldn’t bear the guilt about my little boy but when I look at him I just think he’s pathetic, not sure I’m in love with him anymore.
They are selfish and manipulative, my story is nothing as bad as yours and if I had found out my OH had been doing hard drugs around my child, he wouldn’t be seen for dust. He needs to clean up his act and only then can he make amends with you and his DD, it is not your fault he is not with his DD, only his own.

I know, last night I felt awful. He's still the father to our child and I feel a certain amount of protection over him. However, the last message we exchanged I begged him to tell me the truth about his problem and he didn't respond.
I have sent a message to his mum (we rarely talk so I do not even know if I still have her current number), and just told her we had broken up and that I wasn't sure where he was and that I felt I had a duty to tell her, as his mother. I haven't gone in to full detail as I think its up to him to do that.
I have told DD's school that he shouldn't be allowed to collect her but as I do not have a court order and he has parental rights, there is little they can do to stop him. They will notify me if he does go to the school though.
I don't want to start legal proceedings or anything, I wouldn't know where to begin for one thing! But I've told him he cant see DD while he is on drugs and that once he gets clean, they can have a relationship. However, how will I know if he is clean?
Its just so messed up.

hugs. Stay strong x

It’s such a difficult situation as I understand that you want to look out for him too but what more can you do.
I have no idea about how you would know if he is clean, I’m guessing you would have to get a court order for supervised access and drug tests? Not sure. Or if and when he sorts himself out he has supervised visits with you, at least you know yourself your DD is safe, that you could organise without going down the legal route.
What a shitty situation

So last night we spoke on the phone for the first time. He admitted he had a heroin addiction. Started as a teenager, at the weekend for fun. Then one day he realised he needed it and couldn't function without it. He was ashamed and scared and lied non stop. Tried to quit cold turkey so many times but it was too hard. Knew he couldn't get real help without telling someone and was too embarrassed and frightened of people's reactions. He knew I knew something was wrong but was terrified of losing out in his daughter. He has begun a detox with a support agency and has gone to see his doctor and a family member will meet him today to help look into accommodation.
I know you may all think I'm stupid but I've promised to support him and be there as s friend through this. I think I owe it to our daughter to try and help him. I don't want her to lose him. Despite the drugs, he was genuinely loves her and their bond is beautiful. I know how much she is missing him and she got to speak to him on the phone last night which really cheered her up.
I hope he can do this, for his sake and hers.
He knows we will never get back together and accepts that I'm trying to help him.

I think your a really good person, I would do the same in terms of supporting him through this, at the end of the day it’s an addiction and he needs help and support.
Good that he’s realised he needs help, a step in the right direction!
Kids are best having both parents in their lives no matter what mistakes they have made. He sounds like he really loves his daughter and she loves him, he’s just taken a wrong turn.
Good luck x

Personally I think supporting him as a friend is lovely and OK, but you must make sure that you are not his main support, that he is not dependent on you, especially not financially, or that you feel responsible for him. He has to live an independent life, I would have said several years demonstratively clean before you could think of living with him again. Trust is hard to win, once lost.
Good luck!

Thank you.

He ended up in A&E after visiting the doctor, they kept him there overnight and he has has been put in a hostel on the other side of the city. I spoke to him last night and he has a roof over his head and people to talk to. He will carry on with his detox, he is adamant that this is it for him. He said you can't give up unless you want to, and he wants nothing more than to kick this once and for all. Him leaving was the best thing that could have happened, he was at rock bottom and finally reached out for the help he needed.
He desperately wants to live a normal life and maintain contact with our daughter so I hope that he can get through this.
I learned a lot about myself these last few days, I've cried every night when my daughter is sleeping, barely eaten, couldn't focus and its all because I am coming to terms with the loss of our relationship. We have been together for a long time, we were best friends, life without him will be strange but I have to let him go and do this himself.
I worry for my daughter, she misses him so much and I see the sadness in her face. I know she can pick up on my unhappiness but I'm trying so hard to keep everything normal. All she knows is that he has left because sometimes grown ups fall out of love with each other, but that he still loves her.
I have to try and focus on packing up our little flat ready for our move next month. Its hard because I know have things to do but I find myself drifting off onto thought and reminiscing about the old days.
I'd like some sort of counselling but I don;t even know if I could find the time to do it. I don't want to leave my daughter for any longer than I have to as I'm sure she is anxious about our separations anyway. But I have to work to keep us so I can't compromise on that and I want to get evenings back into a routine.
Its funny how life can be turned upside down in a heart beat.

Hi, I am in a horrible relationship that I want to end. He constantly talks about himself, drinks too much and only sees his own needs. 2 years ago I lost my little boy 5 months into my pregnancy and it's totally changed the way I view things I want to spend time with family as I know time is precious. My sister has had a little girl and I adore her she stays over she stays over quite a bit and my husband is now jealous of the time I spend with her he says I give her more attention wth she's a kid! He won't leave so what do I do?

Hi Twiggy, That doesn't sound too much fun. Have you ever addressed his drinking with him? Does he think he has a problem? I've never had to experience the trauma of losing a baby and I can only begin to imagine how hard its been for you. The simple fact is, do you love him? If you don't, start planning how you will go about ending it. If you move out, where will you go? Will he leave? If you do love him, try and get him to see his problems and address them.
He sounds a little controlling. You don't deserve that, you deserve to be happy not miserable, be selfish and think about your happiness.

Hi mummyceecee, i am sorry i highjacked this post i am new. He has always drank 8 cans a night, i have offered help and advised him on how to reduce his intake and stop but nothing has stopped him, I wouldn't of minded if he'd just had a few days off it so we could do something that didn't involve alcohol. If am honest no I don't love him I can't continue having a 1 sided relationship anymore it's really boring listening to him go over and over the same thing when he's drunk. We haven't slept in the same bed for a year. I have no where to go and the house is in my name. Thanks for replying x

@Twiggy12
Would be a good idea to start a new thread, people will be much more able to help you. They probably won't see this on someone else's thread.