Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

Original poster

Debt and husband

20 replies

Phoenix39 · 16/12/2016 20:18

Ok here goes, I've not done this before so please bear with me.

I'm in debt to £10k and in a debt management program to clear it.

My husband knows nothing about this debt and is now talking about getting a remortgage or moving and having it jointly. We live in his house and I've never been on the mortgage (been together 10 years, married 6) In the blind hope that my credit report / score would be ok I downloaded it and found I had 7 defaults - some of which are inaccurate and 1 has already been removed but 1 is as bad as 10. So I have no chance in getting a mortgage.

My husband has a temper and whilst it's burning away at me to face it, I know he will explode - he's not violent but does environmental damage at his worst. I just don't know how to tell him? I fear my marriage is over and I don't know what will happen to me and our son (15months) I'm just scared still really. It's really starting to affect me and I'm crying all the time - scared he'll take my son away or that we won't have anywhere to live? I work but my husband earns the most money and supports us.

Anyone have any words of wisdom or have been through similar?

Thank you

OP posts:

TheNaze73 · 16/12/2016 20:27

You've just got to tell him OP.

I must admit, something like this would be a deal breaker for me, akin to an affair.

It's unfair on your DH to think he's in with a shot of aspiring to housing dreams only to have them dragged down through something he hasn't a clue about.

I know it won't be easy but, good luck. You can do it

MakeItRain · 16/12/2016 20:46

How did you manage to get into so much debt? (Out of interest - I just wondered if it were household debts mounting up?)
Advice-wise, I would say you do need to tell him. Could a friend be with you? His temper doesn't sound good. Maybe long term he's not someone you should be staying with anyway.

Frollyhollyday · 16/12/2016 21:07

10K is not actually that much debt. You are doing something about it and in 6 years maximum your credit will be fine again (assuming you stop defaulting).

Obviously you need to tell him but make sure you tell him how you are corrrecting it. Do not let it become his problem.

He may leave but for 10k debt and a few years wait it would seem an overreaction to me.

If this were my DH I would be angry, of course, but not sure I wiuld split the family up for it.

arsenaltilidie · 16/12/2016 21:11

£10k isn't much in the grand scheme of things.
The best way to carry forward is to come clean to your husband.
FWIW I wouldn't be angry with you keeping that debt to yourself because it must have been hard on you to keep a secret for that long.

RJnomore1 · 16/12/2016 21:13

I wouldn't be happy if it was my dh but I wouldn't want him to be scared to tell me.

You are after all taking steps to resolve the situation.

Alfieisnoisy · 16/12/2016 21:15

I worry far more about his explosive temper than your debt OP.. Environmental damage...am assuming this emanate he damages items yes? If so that would scare me enough to not see a future. Are you treading on eggshells apart from your worry about his response to this?

If yes then a chat with Women's Aid might help.

If not then a clear warning that you won't tolerate property being damaged if he explodes once you tell him.

happychristmaspoobum · 16/12/2016 21:19

Phoenix I do think it's relevant to know how you got into this debt. IS it because you don't have enough of a contribution from DH towards normal expenses? Have you bought unnecessary luxuries? What caused it?

It does sound like your husband has some sort of anger management issues if you are this afraid of him. Can you tell him over the phone? Have someone with you when you tell him?

As you are married, it makes no difference that the house is just in his name, although I would take the precaution of registering your interest with land Registry if you think he might turn nasty.

You won't be homeless - even if you did split, the housing needs of your child would be paramount.

HeddaGarbled · 16/12/2016 21:29

OK, number one, he can't take your son away. Worst case scenario if you divorce is you'll have a 50-50 split.

Secondly, because you have been married 6 years, you have some legal entitlement to a share of the assets of the marriage regardless of it being "his" house or the mortgage being in his name. It might not be as much as half because 6 years is quite a short marriage, but courts would always look at the interests of children first so would expect a financial split that made sure your child was not homeless and therefore, neither would you be.

Did you run up this debt before you married or while you were married?

Poocatcherchampion · 16/12/2016 21:55

How did you get into debt?

Are you scared of him?

Original poster

Phoenix39 · 16/12/2016 22:00

It's been run up since we were married, there is no real excuse but the situation is that my husband earns a lot more than I do but expects me to keep up. For instance a lot of our appliances died at the same time (cooker, fridge washing machine etc) so I had a catalog (then 3) to buy them it got to the point that the payments were such I couldn't keep up with the grocery shop (stupid I know) so I then got a payday loan and well it just spiralled - I have no excuse and I alone made each decision.

My husband is a good man but suffers with his temper and I fear he has depression (not diagnosed he just tells me every so often) which again makes me scared of the outcome of telling him.

I'm just scared of ruining our family life and my son and husband suffering over my mistakes

OP posts:

RJnomore1 · 16/12/2016 22:05

I'm seeing real alarm bells here Phoenix.

No one who is a good person would let their partner run up debt for essential items while out earning them and scare them so much they couldn't ask for help.

How much of his income goes to household costs?

Squeegle · 16/12/2016 22:06

Hmm... do you think he is scared of upsetting you with his temper tantrums? Sounds like he is not very kind to you and you're taking on all the guilt here. If these debts are joint then you have to tell him. If he is unsympaghetic and angry then you actually have to ask yourself how reasonable he is being. And do you want to accommodate someone so unreasonable. From what you have said so far, it sounds a very unhealthy dynamic

EssentialHummus · 16/12/2016 22:10

Oh love. You two need to sit down alone and have a very honest conversation about spending and how money is divided between you. Forget the house for now - sort out your access to the money you need so this doesn't happen again.

What sort of things raise his temper?

Pallisers · 16/12/2016 22:17

So you are in debt because he expects you to pay half of everything even though you don't earn as much as he does?

That is ridiculous.

And he doesn't "suffer with his temper". YOU suffer with his temper.

It honestly doesn't sound like much of a marriage. you are frightened of his temper, worried about his self-diagnosed "depression", can't talk to him, and your finances are a mystery to both of you.

marriage is supposed to be nice - warm, supportive, friendly, kind. Does that describe your marriage?

Tell him about the debt. Take no shit from him. Walk out if he starts doing "environmental damage" by which I presume you mean he breaks things in front of you and frightens you but hasn't actually hit you ... yet. I think you have some serious issues here and your debt is the most manageable issue.

Frollyhollyday · 16/12/2016 22:37

I think the nature of your debt is a problem. You should not have run up debt because you are too afraid of your husband to ask for money.

HeddaGarbled · 16/12/2016 23:23

Sweetheart, your husband is financially abusive. I think he may be emotionally abusive too (the anger). Google these things and have a good read.

He should have paid for all the appliances because his income is so much greater than yours and you couldn't afford them. He knows this, doesn't he?

TDHManchester · 17/12/2016 07:21

This doesnt sound right. For a start,although you may be in some kind of relationship (as yet undetermined), you are not invested in the relationship. You live in his house but have no real security of tenure. How would it be if he told you to leave tomorrow? The joint finance arrangements sound a bit wobbly to me also and as for explosive rages,,well that is unacceptable.

NiceFalafels · 17/12/2016 07:26

Tell him. But tell him what the debt was for. What you bought.

What are your incomes?

iamamickey · 17/12/2016 07:46

Phoenix please listen. I could have written your post word for word 8 years ago. Except I had two kids and the debt was 23000. My husband had a temper and was an undiagnosed depressive. He would tell me he wanted a newntv and if I said no he'd guilt me into it or take to his bed depressed until I have in and let him buy it. In the mean time I was using all my money to pay my half of the bills and all the food and children's costs. The debt mounted up because I was afraid to mention shortfalls in case he went nuts. Again same as u not violent just throwing things or shouting lots or going silent. I was making myself ill making sure I was first to post in the morning and making sure only me answered the door. It got to a pint were I was so convinced he would leave me and find out that I just thought I'd be better off with out him. So after Christmas 8 years ago I found a flat and I left him. The relief I felt was immense. People actually told me I looked ten years younger. The pressure was huge and leaving was actually the best decision of my life. Once I left I realised there were loads of things I was "dealing with" to avoid his temper or moods. I guess he was abusive emotionally if I look at it like that.

Please take a step back and look at your position Would you be better off to tell him. If he leaves maybe you would have had a lucky escape. For the record. When I told husband about the debt and that I was leaving he was gutted at first but said if I stayed we could deal with it together. However I knew he would have held it against me so I left. I'm divorced now and very very happy. Oh and debt free.

Naicehamshop · 17/12/2016 08:26

Why do you think that you are totally to blame for debt built up through buying household items? Why isn't he contributing more if he is the higher earner?

You are going to have to talk to him about this but do NOT take all the responsibility if these are joint debts. It sounds as if he is putting an enormous amount of emotional and financial pressure on you.

Flip