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Original poster

Do I have to compromise on the age gap between our children/future children?

74 replies

Oooh1 · 16/12/2016 01:50

We have a son who is 2 years old. My ideal would be to start trying when he is 4 and a half. I have always wanted that. I am part-time, so he goes to nursery for one of those days, my mum and dad's for one of them and my MIL and FIL's for the other. It works well, I have him for the other days - on Sunday we both have him (DH and I). I really like our current set up, I can do swimming lessons with him (still parent and toddler classes) and he often enjoys some other classes that I can take him to also and do together. On the evenings of the day I have had him, DH has him while I go to my dance classes, on the days that I am at work, I pick him up from whoever has looked after him and have him while DH can meet friends/go to his guitar lesson. On Sunday we go out as a family - the zoo for example. It is a really lovely balance, we all get to spend lots of time with him, but also have a bit of our own time, we both still have a job and family get to see him on their own too. I couldn't be happier with the set-up. I really don't think having a second baby at this time will add to our family, I think it will just put stress on it. He says 2 years is the perfect age gap (statistically) and that's what he would like. He says he would be happy for me to be a SAHM, but I personally would really like to keep my part-time job, as I am still paying of the bloody student loan (not really the reason ) but because I just like it, I am not particularly careersy, definitely for maternal, but my job involves helping others and I find it very rewarding. Basically, I just want my first son to be at school when 2nd child is born. It's just how I want it. However, as DH wants this 2 year gap, do I have to compromise? I honestly don't know if this is something you compromise on. I said we could, if he went part-time - when I was full-time, we both had the same income, so it would be no different to me just becoming a SAHM, we would be fine on this income too, but he doesn't want to go part-time, so I feel like if he doesn't want to go part-time, we shouldn't go for it? I'm not saying having a toddler and baby isn't doable, but I personally don't want a toddler and baby together! As most of the classes DS does (with me) need me in the class until 4th birthday. I feel like I wouldn't be able to do these classes with second baby then either (which I definitely want to)... Basically, after all that waffle do I have to compromise? I kind of feel like I am offering a compromise by saying if he goes part-time and not me become a SAHM, like I say, our set up at the mo, it just wouldn't work. TIA! x

OP posts:

SouthWindsWesterly · 16/12/2016 07:01

I think you're being presumptious about the potential energy and willingness of grandparents to look after your children. And don't forget the nursery hours that you'll be entitled to.

Toomanycats99 · 16/12/2016 07:03

I have a four year age gap. It's great in many ways. The oldest was at school so plenty of 1 on 1 time with new baby, oldest can be left safely with baby while you nip and do something. However when the youngest is 2-4 it can be a pain. By then by oldest was too old for soft play and the youngest was too young for cinema etc but too old to just drag around in oldest footsteps. So I had a couple of years where it could be difficult to find something suitable for both. They are now 5 and 9 and generally happy with same places / films etc. I am aware though this will probably change in another year or so! However they love each other to bits!

EvenTheWind · 16/12/2016 07:06

There is no perfect age gap.

How long did it take you to get pregnant first time?

LostSight · 16/12/2016 07:08

I think there was a study that suggested that 2-4 year gaps increased sibling rivalry. Less than that, the elder child hasn't really learned to be possessive, more than that, they are old enough to understand and can be reasoned with.

I think your reasoning is good. If it is your work / life balance that will be affected, then you get more say. If he wants you to have a child before you feel ready, then he should be the one to compromise on his work pattern.

Depending on the age of the grandparents, it might be that caring for only one child at a time is easier, though of course five years might be significant, if the grandparents are older.

NoSunNoMoon · 16/12/2016 07:13

4 years between DH and his brother. They hated each other as children and didn't start to get along until they were both married with DCs.

mirokarikovo · 16/12/2016 07:18

I think you are right and a 5 year age gap is good. A 3 year age gap can bring all sorts of problems as a 3yo is strong enough to lash out in jealousy but too little to understand why their jealousy is unacceptable. I'd avoid conceiving around the October-January preceding your eldest starting school though - the transition into reception can be difficult and it won't be easy to manage at the same time as having a very new baby or being very heavily pg.

Happyinthehills · 16/12/2016 07:21

Whilst there's no perfect gap, I agree with you. My sister is two years younger, we've never got on and that close gap didn't help. My DC have 7 year gap and it's only now that they are adults that they are getting closer.
The one on one your LO is now enjoying with you and family will be so good for them. Your next child could enjoy similar.
There was a poster above who pointed out that with your plan the baby will have to sleep around school hours. That was the case for my DS2 and it really helped with him being able to develop a routine.
Finally it's your body, and especially as your DH won't consider PT, I don't think you should compromise.

EvenTheWind · 16/12/2016 07:21

So your son has just turned 2, with his birthday in Dec? Or is about to turn 3?

Anyway, he will go to school at age 4.75 and you are ideally wanting to start trying just before he starts school and have the baby whilst he is in reception/year 1?

Groovee · 16/12/2016 07:23

Is your Dh thinking long term where you will have the children more independent around the same time rather than having one possibly leave home and the other still in primary?

I think you both need to talk and see the reasoning. If he keeps saying perfect age gap... ask him why he says that.

waitingforsomething · 16/12/2016 07:23

My brother and sister are 21 months apart, and then I am 4.5 years younger than my brother. Although we all get along well as adults, as children I was never close enough in age to them to be able to join in with their activities, and I used to find it really frustrating. By the time I was old enough to join in they had grown out of it, and found something more grown up to do!
I had my children 2.5 years apart for this reason, and it's working out pretty well. I'd have had them closer together but it took me a little longer to get pregnant than I had hoped - such is life. But, every family is different and you should do what you're comfortable with. I'd go for a smaller age gap in your situation, rather than worrying about attending classes with the older one - they get more out of classes from school age when they can learn an activity without you anyway.

iamadaftcoo · 16/12/2016 07:29

5 years between my next sister and I. Close as kids and close now.

12 years between my brother and I. Close then and close now.

TheNaze73 · 16/12/2016 07:30

I think it's nice to have an outline plan but, you need to relax a bit. Reading your post stressed me out!

iamadaftcoo · 16/12/2016 07:31

I couldn't bear a small age gap. The thought of lugging a double buggy round, two in nappies, two not sleeping, two non verbal...argh. Not for me

EvenTheWind · 16/12/2016 07:32

I would also check in with parents and ILs if they are crucial to the plan, if you can use nursery instead, that's fine, of course.

EvenTheWind · 16/12/2016 07:34

Sorry that wasn't well put!

Check if they have any other plans for retirement , other DGC may need care etc. Not ask them for approval on when you TTC

illegitimateMortificadospawn · 16/12/2016 07:34

One element you might not have thought about is how your DPs and PiLs are going to be if you defer expanding your family - depending on their ages, they might not be as up to running around after a LO as they are with DS.

^ this is really important. A kot can change in a year or two.

I'd also echo what someone said about a 10 year old not enjoying Peppapig World. Having kids closer in age opens up more options for days out, holidays etc. Seeing how my tweens' interests have changed as they get older makes me glad they are closer in age (2y9mo).

Another thing to mention is that DSs have lots of friends with very similar age gaps, so there are lots of sibs here with older/younger sibs in the same school year groups. Makes playdates and covering eg INSET days a lot easier, as they all bundle in together. Same goes for group holidays.

Another thing:if your husband can afford for you not to work, I am assuming you could afford to work and pay for childcare. I know some people are really adamant they don't want to use paid childcare, but the socialisation and routine can really help with preparation for school and it eases burden on family members doing the childcare for free (which is not really free - there's an opportunity cost for your parents, whether its time for paid work or hobbies etc).

AmberEars · 16/12/2016 07:36

4 years between DH and his brother and they're not close. 18 months between me and my brother and we're not close either! (Although closer than DH and brother.)

You're in the right here. Your DH can't make the decision unless he's prepared to make the compromise that you've suggested. Of course you shouldn't give up your job unless you want to - it really annoys me when men expect you to be grateful for this suggestion!

Having said that, aren't you worried about the possibility of secondary infertility? Personally I'd start trying a bit sooner in case it doesn't happen as quickly as you hope. But if you're willing to take that risk, fair enough.

TheSparrowhawk · 16/12/2016 07:38

Your DH has a massive cheek if he wants a certain age gap but won't make any sacrifices to help make it happen.

AmberEars · 16/12/2016 07:39

What if it takes you 18 months to conceive and you end up with a 6 year gap? Would you be happy with that or would it bother you?

EvenTheWind · 16/12/2016 07:43

And definitely what Sparrowhawk said.

AuntieMay · 16/12/2016 07:46

There is 4 1/2 yrs between my eldest and second daughters. There is no manic age gap at all. I have 2 yrs between second and third child.
With the first gap - second dd was dragged around after school, to school, etc etc whereas with just a 2 yr gap you get the time at home with both. Children without the school run and after school clubs impacting ( and they do) on feeding, routines,, naps etc. It's doable but no better or worse than a 2 yr gap.
I also would expect help from grandparents to lessen as they age and particularly with a bigger age gap as they find it harder to manage the needs of both children at once.

AuntieMay · 16/12/2016 07:46

*magic

JellyWitch · 16/12/2016 07:52

I wouldn't enjoy pepper pig world - the kids' ages are irrelevant in that respect!

Mine are 4 and 3/4 years apart. I was on maternity leave when my eldest started school, which was brilliant. He needed that more than I think my youngest will. It's been great to have one able to toilet himself, make himself a sandwich, put I-player on for the little one, read stories to her etc. It's also been essential financially to only have one in nursery at a time. I definitely don't regret the gap.

There's no guarantee of close friendship however close or not your kids are in age. It's all down to personality. So if that is the only reason to have a 2 year gap I don't think it holds much water.

HardLightHologram · 16/12/2016 07:55

I have experience all sorts of age gaps. My sister and I are a year apart, my next sister is 7 years younger than me and our brother is 14 years younger than me. We're all very close, although me and dsis1 argued like cat and dog as kids.

My eldest two are 18 months apart and have never got on. Dc3 came along when they were 7 and 9. Dd is now 12 and doesn't get on particularly with either brother but the boys are very close (5 and 14) and I have the benefit of being able to leave DS2 with DS1 for a couple of hours if needed.

There is no perfect age gap, but I have found the bigger gap easier.

PacificOcean · 16/12/2016 08:01

But the issue isn't really whether there's a perfect age gap. It's how you compromise if you disagree on the best gap.

OP I think a compromise (i.e. start TTC when your DS is 3, rather than 2 or 4) would be fairer than either you or him making a unilateral decision.

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