Thanks all. This is useful, bracing and helpful.
It's always difficult to know what to put at the start of the thread and I may have been too brief. I completely agree about the need for therapy and both my husband and I have been in individual therapy for a while and talking about what happened a lot. I accept that the way I have approached my marriage has been a big part of previous problems and it's me who needs to learn and change. The broader problem was also that we had some years of health issues - before and during having our DC. quite specific ones that I don't want to say because it's outing - and we both did things we regretted. Mine was having an affair. His was other things. Yes DH knows about the affair. As I say the only thing he doesn't know is that even though I want to be married to DH, specifically(and only) sexually, i despair of being able to build something as good as I had with the other chap. This is purely because we clicked sexually in a way DH and I did not do, even when we were younger and starting out.
Why do I want to stay with DH? He's my best friend and understands me ultimately very well. We bring out the best in each other. We have 3 young children and to split up the family we both feel our relationship would have to be a great deal more damaged than it is!
The issue is that I'm at the point where I know I have to grit my teeth, keep deliberately forgetting other bloke, swerve away from any reminder and try and build something again with DH. But it's got to be better and more intimate than before - otherwise not fair to him or me - and I'm just very tired. It feels like something we will both be pleased if we do, not like something we both want to do, iyswim
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I'm sure we can do it - I'd love to have therapy together so someone can help us discuss it without hurting each other. It's not really about OM in fact. It's about DH and me. But we can't do the therapy right now so it's hard to keep positive as i dont think i have the tools to fix it. And the onus is on me to fix it.
anyfucker ha! I can see why my op read like I'd been dumped. It's almost worse...I dumped him but that means there's no closure. I know if I called him he'd be there. That feels an increasingly unappetizing prospect though...so im hanging in there.
summerlovin - and my DH has that option. But neither of us feel like that would be the right thing. I'm posting because I want to improve things, not showing off about deceiving him. If I could desire him just by wanting to, believe me I'd do it.