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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

I don't want children... how to start saying that clearly?

15 replies

TheEmmaDilemma · 15/12/2016 18:57

I debated a NC for this, but didn't. If anyone does 'click', please be nice and just keep that to yourself.

Long time lurker, poster, etc.

So it's Christmas. I've ordered my two Grand Nieces and Nephew some presents.

It's made me think a little more. On, you know, that thing when you are about to turn 41 you don't want to think about.

I've had all the tests the NHS will do. And I don't appear to qualify for anything further. IF I wanted it.

I've been pregnant. Twice. Miscarried twice. Once in my now ex marriage and once in my long term relationship since.

While I have been utterly devastated both times, I've had to come to a place where, at this time, this life, this just isn't for me.

I had my step son in his life from less than a year old. (No, I wasn't the OW. No, I had nothing to do with that situation. Actually, the DSS Mum and I were - after a while - and still are friends even though I divorced him 3 years ago.)

But it was HARD. There's no getting away from it, that being a step mum, when you've never had a child of your own is hard. And he was young when he came into my life. And nearly 9 years old when I last saw him. So that's a lot of time. Every weekend and longer holidays etc.

It did change my marriage over the years, it was hard at times.

But I also think it skewed my thoughts.

But at the end of the day. I think what I'm trying to say, is it's time to say: I DON'T WANT A CHILD.

But how do I do that? I mean my Partner knows about the fertility issues. And he's accepted I may never give him a child.

How do I say. Well, actually, no matter what, I'm now pretty sure I don't want a child... IVF, Foster, Adopt... etc.

I think he knows. But it's such a hard conversation to have.

I'd have been a great Mum. Still would likely. But it's too much, and I'm too selfish and old now. So it's time to kick this to kerb I think...

OP posts:

EekAmIBonkers · 15/12/2016 19:15

OP first of all have these for all you've been through

Approaching the subject depends a lot on what you know of his feelings about kids. Are you sure he has his heart set on it as a future plan, or is it more of a "one day it would be nice" sort of thing?

One way of approaching it might be to say you have been thinking very hard about it, and would like him to take a little time to do the same, before having the conversation?

EekAmIBonkers · 15/12/2016 19:18

Also If it We're me I might wait until after Christmas. This time of year we often feel like we want to resolve things, and that makes sharing honest feelings difficult.

EekAmIBonkers · 15/12/2016 19:18

*were

Original poster

TheEmmaDilemma · 15/12/2016 19:21

I've approached it various way and times.

I seem to always get 'it would be nice'. I get the feeling that he doesn't actually want that with his whole being. Like he would be ok with just us.

And even his friend indicated that at one point. Female best mate.

But it's a real thing though isn't it. Say not just, not now. Not EVER..

OP posts:

Original poster

TheEmmaDilemma · 15/12/2016 19:24

And no, wasn't thinking of approaching this before Christmas.

I'm musing on how I eventually say that.

OP posts:

EekAmIBonkers · 15/12/2016 19:25

All the signs are good for it not being a shocking conversation, then.

Please talk to him about it though. You sound like have your head screwed on about it, but it could help to have your partner's support and understanding while you make that transition from "maybe" to "never."

EekAmIBonkers · 15/12/2016 19:26

Perhaps after Christmas you could talk about visits with any kids that have crossed your path during the festivities (nephews/nieces?) and take it from there?

scurryfunge · 15/12/2016 19:28

My friend is much the same. She has always concentrated on career, being independent and not wanting the distraction of a child. She has never wanted a child and has never felt guilty for stating that. She is still a lovable human being you know 😉

museumum · 15/12/2016 19:34

I don't think there's any harm in saying that the window of opportunity has passed. That now at this stage in life you don't want a child.
It's not at all the same but I and another friend with one child each and both 41/42 have started to say clearly that although we were open to the idea of a second (she was very keen on a second) we now both feel it's not right for us to be trying anymore. Time does change things. We are not keen on having a child in the house when we hit retirement age (no judgement at all on those who do, it's just not for us).

FinallyHere · 15/12/2016 19:37

How about asking him how he feels about having children? If he isn't bothered....

Original poster

TheEmmaDilemma · 15/12/2016 19:49

Thank you everyone for your thoughts.

I know it's a conversation to be had with him.

And I don't think it's a deal breaker for him.

I'm just, a bit, you know, scared...!

OP posts:

MinesAGin · 15/12/2016 19:55

Do you really need a conversation? If I was going out with someone who was nearly 41, I would make it clear if I did want children; otherwise I would assume I wouldn't be having them. I'm older than you and think if I hadn't had children by 41 I'd either be desperate and doing everything possible to have one (in which case I would've told a new boyfriend immediately) or would be happy as I was.

Slightlyperturbedowlagain · 15/12/2016 20:05

I totally get what you are saying. It is a long road and the best stopping point is different for everyone. Maybe the way to frame it is by posing it as a question by asking your OH 'at what point do we say that's it, we are going to move forward just us?' Or similar, and see what comes out. You may be closer to the same point than you think, but if not it gives you a chance to find out before irretrievably stating your feelings.

Original poster

TheEmmaDilemma · 15/12/2016 20:15

To be clear, he is 10 years younger. Unintentional drip feed. Sorry.

I know I just need to say it. But it's...still so scary. What if he realises that is his break point? That's the thing he can't take when it's put in that undeniable terms?

OP posts:

Slightlyperturbedowlagain · 15/12/2016 22:24

That might happen, yes, but sadly as men don't have quite the same biological clock issues it could still happen in 10 or 15 years anyway. It may be something to factor in to your thinking. Some men get a sudden urge to procreate at 50, many don't. I did split up with a (previous) BF in my late 20s (he was 35 then) as he said he didn't want children and tried to persuade me it was the best option, but I had a feeling he would be a 'late' dad once it was too late for me. Funny enough, 20 years on, I recently discovered through an old mutual acquaintance that he is now with a 32 yr old and they are expecting their second imminently. Alternatively I have friends who are together in their 50s and happily without children. Im not sure how much was choice and how much was just the way it happened, but I'm pretty sure they are 'for keeps'. So really I think you have to be true to yourself at the end of the day. What's right for you, with or without him.

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