Sorry, it's that old porn cliche again...

[namechange102]

Found out OH had looked at stuff years ago, was the first time I'd come up against this in a relationship and was pretty mad about it. He said he wouldn't look again. Surprise surprise. He did. A few times.

On this most recent occasion I've been able to see some of the stuff he's looked at, and although it's pretty tame really (no interaction as far as I am aware) I'm still pretty disgusted that he has spent his free time looking at this stuff, bookmarking some woman pleasuring herself with a sex toy (sorry, tmi) etc, and creating a folder to look at later. In the interests of not drip feeding, I think this is mostly while working away (most recently, though not always). I tried to change the way I thought of it by suggesting couples stuff but he's not shown any interest in that. It's all about him watching the naked 'ladies' .

Don't flame me for trying to dictate what he watches, my issue is more trying to come to terms with his dishonesty and my disgust. He says every man does it, and doesn't think it's a big thing at all. Sometimes he just clicks links from his gaming community 'just out of interest'. I don't really understand that and he can't see why I'm offended by him looking at all these pretty young attention seekers who put this stuff out there. I've tried to explain and directed him to an online article about the effects of (solo) porn on relationships but he was very dismissive about it.

I'm not going to LTB over it, but are there any advice/research/articles anyone knows of that would help me come to terms with my disgust at his habits and dismissive attitude? He has said he won't look yet again, obviously I'm not convinced, which starts off a whole new argument that I don't trust him and just keep on attacking him. I don't, that's how he perceives it. I get angry every time I think about the situation now and it's keeping me up at night!

Sorry for the ramble, needed to vent!

Yeh I kind of agree it's like if dp told me i couldn't masturbate or what I couldn't or could think of while doing so . I'd think him controlling and ridiculous ( I'm not saying you are op )

Fwiw I don't think all men watch porn at all and I think for many it's something they do now and then not constantly . I think and hope my dp falls into the "sometimes" category I'm not thrilled but I'd have serious double standards if I told him he couldn't do it !

A man here. I don't know anyone who doesn't watch porn at some stage (in particular when on their own/working away) and who could realistically stop if asked. If a partner objected they'd try to be more discrete but stopping forever wouldn't be a realistic option.

On the flip side I wouldn't be with someone who objected to it to the extent that you do, and wouldn't make promises to stop that I wasn't likely to keep.

At the risk of over sharing I've had partners leave underwear and photos as "reminders" when they're away and found them much more useful than some naff porno for passing an evening on my own. It's probably not something you fancy doing just now, but he's going to continue masturbating so if he's going to reduce his porn consumption he'll need help.

It might help you to think about what your objections are. I look at 'porn' myself, but in the form of literature and illustrations, I find 'live action' porn quite distasteful, as I don't believe the people involved in it genuinely want to do it, iyswim. So, as a previous poster said, is it the fact he's masturbating and having sexual fantasies without you, or that he's looking at other, real life women in order to do it? (I suspect it's the latter). Could it help to have a discussion, or watch some of it with him, to help you explain to him how it makes you feel. I find it strange that people who are very caring and loving can enjoy watching people who are possibly being coerced or feel like they don't have another option. But if I felt that porn out there existed where the two actors were genuinely having a fantastic time having sex (I don't), then I'd be well into it.

If it's very important to you (and him) then I think you need to be able to communicate about it in a calm way, and try to understand each other's feelings.

That said, masturbation is a very private thing, and if somebody else tried to tell me who or what I was allowed to be turned on by I wouldn't be very happy. But if it's having an effect on your relationship, or making you feel like he's not who you thought he was, then that's a different matter entirely, and your dp should be listening to you.

Reading back I'm not sure how helpful that is, or if it's a bit of a ramble, but there you go

It's nothing to do with wanting to police him, as I have said. It's all to do with honesty in the relationship. See my last but one post.

Maybe he's embarrassed ? He knows you won't like it so he lies ?

So you think he's lying about something else?

Assuming you masturbate too, have a think about what you use, think about etc? What's acceptable to you and what isn't? This might help you to clarify in your thoughts what you find so distasteful in what he's doing.

Ok, reading back I'm getting the sense this is about something deeper than porn, and about honesty, resentment etc in a long term relationship. I think only a long, honest, unjudgemental chat on both sides can help to sort out your feelings.

Its not an issue of feeling threatened by porn women either. I do however, wonder at his mindset when he exclusively looks at single women, often performing an act, and is not interested in watching anything else with me. As I mentioned before, he went away with the intention to cheat on me, so he was looking to fuck someone else to put it bluntly. He has not been honest about things when I ask, and I can't help but wonder if this is a precursor (or at least a suppressed desire) to cheating. I'm not saying this is the case for everyone who watches, or is the case everytime he watches, but given the past events it is at the back of my mind right now. I have already stated I am not policing what he does with his own sexuality, apart from staying within the regular boundaries of being in a marriage. I did not tell him to stop watching it. He said this of his own accord.
OnTheAir - you are seeing my dislike of porn as a massive objection to him watching it. Not true. I have sent him things before too, it's not like I'm a complete prude, I just don't feel comfortable with the continual lies.

We've been through all the 'I'm embarrassed' conversations. We've had plenty of calm discussions about porn before, even watched a bit together in the past. The issue is that he is not honest. Why not? And who here would say that they would be happy in a relationship where they KNEW their partner lied to them? Yes, I get cross at some things, like anyone would. He sees every instance as a personal attack, which it isn't. I can much better accept anything he tells me if it's the truth rather than a story which changes with each retelling. That's when I get angry about what he is saying. He knows this. I don't just fly off the handle at everything, but I have asked him to be honest, then later on down the line found out he lied. How is this right?

I think the porn thing is very polarising. It's not this which is causing the problem (although I don't like it), it's the lying.

I think you need to be clear with yourself what the issue is op, as it seems to have changed.
Do you not want him to ever watch porn? So have an issue with porn.
Do you only want him to watch porn together? So really have no issue with the porn.
It is unreasonable to tell him he can never watch porn or to force him into a corner to say he wont because you dont want him doing that. He had no real option than to agree with you. HOWEVER if has tried to arrange cheating on you in the oast then yes there are issues, but porn isnt it.

Sunshine - yes, exactly right. But I've tried the honest conversations and tbh I'm not sure anything is ever resolved. A week or so ago I read the posts about the DP going to a lap dancing club and said to him in a jokey manner "I hope you don't go to these lap dancing clubs...' Without even asking what I was talking about he got really pissy and defensive, so I can't even joke about it as I would have in the past.

My initial questions on starting this thread were related to how to help myself deal with the fact he will probably continue to look at porn, and try to build trust that this doesn't meant anything other than what it is.Just looking. This is the hard bit, as he abused this trust in the past, and cannot be trusted to be honest. In fact, conversations with him have taught me that the truth (I think) only comes out after the third or so retelling. My self esteem will not allow me to blindly trust his word, given the past events. I am trying to deal with this and asked for advice.

Thanks to posters who have tried to help with this. Anyone who continues to bang on about me trying to control his sexuality is completely on the wrong track, so you can stop trying to make me feel bad about that.

Talking - was typing as your post came through.. I haven't told him not to watch, I have suggested watching together. So no issue. I haven't forced him into a corner, he said he wouldn't watch, I said I doubt that, so be honest when you do slip up. Yet he,and others on this thread still seem to think I am trying to be super controlling and unreasonable.

The issue hasn't changed - it has always been about him being honest. I am looking for ways to keep my sanity while time will tell if I again find out (completely by accident) that he has planned on an extramarital shag while working away.

I don't understand

You clearly don't trust this man. He has form for lying and cheating. You don't even sound like you like him very much

Why are you so hell bent on making your perfectly reasonable subconscious STFU ?

Yes I think it's the lying that is the issue. If you can't have an honest, cards on the table conversation with your partner then that is the issue. Maybe you need to talk just about the trust, not about porn etc. but if you've got insecurities because of how he has behaved in the past, then that's really hard on you, and I'm not sure what the solution is if he's not being honest with you, or only under duress. That's not fair (of him) on either of you. But I think your original post is a bit of a red herring. You can't make yourself trust someone if you feel like they're being dishonest with you.

No I don't trust him 100%. Who would at this point?

I do generally like him, but this past year has been difficult for many reasons, and recently finding he was lying about porn again and evading coming clean about it when asked has obviously had a big effect this time round. Maybe I feel dismissed , unappreciated, whatever, as he can't even be bothered to tell me the truth when it's so important to me, and a lot of resentment has built up over the years as this pattern has repeated itself. Maybe I have enabled it as I didn't set clear enough expectations (but I can't win there either as this would be 'controlling')...I do feel I enable his nice career etc and miss out in many ways because of this though, which is definitely not acknowledged. I get the feeling he thinks I should just let him get on with it, he doesn't understand and show patience with how his abuse of trust in the past informs how I see his lying about relatively straightforward things now.

So, you want him to tell you any time he looks at porn without you- is that it?

OP, I think you have already decided what to do

I would just make two points. Remember the Daily Mail Headline "Porn study had to be scrapped after researchers failed to find ANY 20-something males who hadn’t watched it". And yes most of us do watch it. And most of those who say they don't are either lying or are just not interested in sex

And as far as compromise is concerned - isn't that what a successful long-term relationship is all about?

How old are your kids? Is there a way you can start focusing on yourself and your own career a bit more? I have a similar situation with my own dh, in that he has the 'career' and I don't because I'm at home with the children a lot more, but it works for us because we talk a lot about the resentment this can bring and how difficult the imbalance of being the main earner or being the main child carer can be. But if it's not working for you then I suggest you get more assertive and start thinking about what you want. I know that's not what you originally posted about but this might help to stop the kind of resentment you're posting about, and also those feelings that he's the one going out and having all the good bits. You need to be happy with this partnership too, and if you're not then that also needs addressing.

I also think you need to address this former abuse of trust regarding cheating with him, as he might feel its in the past but for you it obviously isn't.

AArgh! IT's not all about the porn Decaff. No, I do not want a text or whatever from him while he's away announcing the fact that he's about to go look at something. However, if he gets back and I ask him if he looked at anything while away, I WOULD expect him to say yes, if he had. That isn't a big deal. It IS a big deal, however, when over increasingly heated discussions it comes out that yes, he's actually looked at a shitload of stuff and I then find a folder of saved stuff and a bookmarked sexual act which he clearly put on the computer while away (which the kids use when he is here) and didn't mention. My point is, we've looked at things in the past. I've told him it's not embarrassing to admit to watching it. I've told him that because of his past actions it is important to me that he is honest. What more can I say? Am I really expecting too much?

YetAnotherGuy- yes, I thought compromise is important to a successful LTR, but am at a loss to see what a workable compromise would be in this situation....

This isn't really about porn...it seems to be about your being married to a man you can't and don't trust and who doesn't seem to respect you (or women generally?). I think AF is right...you know that this isn't right and that's why you're so tied in knots trying to suppress your anger and frustration.

I feel like there are other issues at play here. You don't trust him, I don't think the porn bothers you but it's more the fact of what it's signifying to you - i.e. that he might stray.
I say 'trust your instinct'. I think you should say that to him - the reason I don't like you watching girls solo is because I think it signifies your desire to have an affair.
As an aside, you also need to do everything in your power to boost your own self esteem, because confidence is sexy as hell and it feels good - win,win

Sunshine - they're still at primary school. His job is very inflexible and he works away a LOT. So much so that at times I am in effect a single parent for long stretches of time. Going back to my career is not an option as it is not flexible enough and I do not have enough support to cope with it at these times. I've brought up the resentment, but don't feel it has been addressed because when he says he will do such-and-such to 'make it up' nothing ever happens. It's like he can't be bothered enough. The cheating thing is 'in the past' and he can't prove what didn't happen....I had dealt with it, until an over-friendly (in my eyes) female colleague he had worked away and spent leisure time with continued to text out of work hours when he got home. He admitted it might have been an ego boost, and the whole can of worms was opened all over again.

Thanks AskMeAgain...I had a brief few months of feeling sexy when he came back. Unfortunately, this has all gone to pot right now as he blamed my nagging and paranoia for the ED he suffered a few months after getting back. Consequently, I now don't feel sexy at all. What a frigging mess.

Sunshine - when you and DH talk about the resentment the situation builds, what comes out of the conversation, if you don't mind me asking? Is it enough that he acknowledges it exists and life for you is not so exciting, or does he/you do anything about it practically?