NC relative has no interest in my children but sends gifts

[Xmassamx]

After a long line of terrible behaviour from my father there was a huge row 18 months ago after I finally decided I was no longer putting up with the emotional abuse. He was in a new relationship and again had put this woman's feelings in front of those of his children - he was loved up and didn't care about whether he saw me or his GCs again.
He sends my kids birthday cards with a tenner in and a card at xmas with £40 in. Apart from that he never contacts them at all - he has their mobile numbers (they are teens), could contact them on social media if he wanted to but he never does.
My brother turned up yesterday with a homemade gift for the children off my father and despite the gift being lovely I don't think they should accept it. I feel strongly that if he actually cared about his GCs he should be in contact. DD loved the gift and wanted to keep it, DS, a little older just rolled his eyes.
How do I handle this? Part of me thinks fine, a does nothing for his GCs so let them keep the gifts / money but part of me feels like sending them back and telling him to shove it up his arse. Trouble is that's engaging with him and I don't want to do that. ANy advice?

Let them keep them, it's not as if the gifts are any kind of emotional blackmail. Provided they text him thanks.

This behaviour from your dad is called hoovering and your children should not be subjected to such emotional manipulation from him. He is ignoring your no contact status by doing this. Some toxic people do not let go that easily.

I would ignore all gifts and get rid of anything he gives you. Such stuff is after all unwanted. Any money he sends could actually be donated to charity.

I had this. All gifts/cards were returned immediately, unopened. After one year they finally got the message. Doesn't stop them prowling FB though and still trying to make contact.

Given that the gifts appear to come with no strings, I would just accept them. He may be a crap DF and DGF but I would assume he just wants to do something, however small. Don't overthink it.

Indeed do not return these to him. What people like your dad wants is the response from you and that then opens the door to bother you even more. Radio silence from you needs to be maintained, these items must not be acknowledged.

Such things always but always come with strings attached Prawn, these are loaded with obligation. He is certainly a crap dad and grandfather and besides which he is ignoring his daughter's no contact stance by doing this at all. He is certainly not bothered with either of his grandchildren, he thinks he can buy them off.

Her brother is being used by her dad as a flying monkey; he is certainly not acting in his sister's best interests either.

Keep the gifts. He would be damned if he sent no gifts at birthdays and Christmas.

And he would be damned if he didn't send gifts at all.

I'm sure there's a backstory, but from your OP it sounds like he is all loved up in a new relationship but you still want his world to focus on you and your kids. As a grown up I would try and get past this.

I think it's great that he obviously still thinks of his grandchildren.

Is he toxic though or just doesn't make an effort to see you/gc?

If he's just not that bothered about seeing you etc then accept the gifts and keep a line of communication open.

Yes, I would interpret this as coming from a man who is involved in his own life, just making a token gesture. Some people are crap at relationships. Doesn't make them evil.

Your kids are teenagers, so I think they're old enough to make their own decisions about whether or not to accept the gifts.

I could of started this thread myself.

NC with my mum after trying so hard to make things work for us. In the end she just cut me and her 3 dgc out for good but yet turns up Easter, birthdays and Xmas' with gifts. I was happy to send these back but dh thinks this will fuel the fire and give them what they want so they can tell anyone that'll listen that I'd returned the gifts.

So now I just take them, and give a polite thank you message back as kids are too small to do it themselves yet.

The only thing I struggle with doing this is having to explain to my kids in years to come on who their grandparents are and why they don't see them, I can't possibly say it's because my mum doesn't want to see them!

What is hoovering?

"Hoovering" is when a parent you wish to be no contact with tries to suck you back in. I do not think this is what your Dad is doing. It is usually done by people who use other people to fulfill their own emotional needs without thought for the needs of that person. Your Dad doesn't sound emotionally dependent on you-just a bit distanced and involved in his own life. He has actually thought of your children and made some effort to make a home made gift. I would accept it. If you send it back you are saying its all or nothing and aren't encouraging the interest in your kids that you say you want.

"These gifts are always, always sent with obligation". No-each situation is different and its not good enough to copy and paste the same response to all situations involving an adult child-parent relationship. Your Dad sounds involved in his own life and not especially needy-I would take what interest he offers in your kids-it isn't doing them harm.

My dad cut off contact 9 years ago when I was not nice enough to the OW. I was never rude, never said any thing nasty, just did not engage with her. He laid down the law, I refused to do as I was told, so he ended contact as my punishment.
Since then we have had the same situation with the DC but with cheques not gifts - I always opened the cards to see if there was ever one with an apology in or an attempt to see us, but there never was.
I never cashed the cheques, but did give each DC an equivalent amount from my own money so they did not lose out. Eventually he stopped sending cheques and just sent cards.
I could not take the money because I was not prepared to contact him to say thank you.
This year was DDs 18th which had a very large cheque in it. This time because she is an adult I showed her the card and the money and explained that I would be giving her the money myself so we did not have to have any contact.
Since then we have not heard from him. I think after 9 years he has got the message.

Radio silence is my advice, as a PP has said.

I am NC with my dad as are my siblings, and have been for over 8 years. He sends a cheque for £120 every birthday and Christmas for each of us which we bank and that's it. If he wants to keep doing that, fine, if he doesn't, whatever. Doesn't mean anything imo.

Timefortea this is pretty much what has happened with my father - he met a woman but because I didn't fall over her and start treating her like a stepmum straight away then the law was laid down and I also refused to do as I was told.
The DC's have always sent a short, thank you text to him whenever hes sent money but the homemade gift was a little different - he is a woodworker and he's made a Christmas ornament with their names on. I expect the names were put on it to make sure that I know that the gift was strictly for the children and no-one else.

If you are prepared to say thank you to him for the gifts, then I see no reason why you shouldn't take them. But I couldn't accept a gift from some who would not see us - just seemed wrong. You don't get to dump us ... and then send cheques.
He is the one who has gone NC - it makes no sense. So I won't play the game. If he's shut us out, he's shut us out and this fannying around with gifts is pointless. The DC don't need money - they need an GP who is interested and involved. He's missed out on my DC growing up. They would not know him if they walked passed him in the street. This is his choice. So sod his pathetic cheques.

The DC's seem old enough to decide for themselves if they want to accept the gifts or not. Whatever the back story, I think making wooden Christmas decorations with their name on it is a lovely thing for him to do and must have taken quite a lot of time and effort. Perhaps this is his "olive branch" each year.

Those cheques were a reminder twice a year that the DC have a grandad who wants nothing to do with them. They were not thoughtful - they were a poke in the eye with a sharp stick.

That's exactly the point Time. My dds have received cards and money from their absent father. No intention of seeing them or even speaking to them, entirely his choice. The cards are a reminder of what he should be, very sad situation.

Reading your original post it isn't completely clear what you want from your Dad. Its clear that he has hurt you. It sounds like you were the person to ask for no contact after a difficult period. (That's different to some other posts where the Dad made the choice). If you asked for no contact your Dad probably feels that you would be very pissed off if he started texting your kids. He probably feels as if he was sticking his neck out sending the Christmas gifts. You say that you want him to show an interest in your kids but also that you want no contact. Is it possible that he doesn't know how to react? If you let the kids keep the gifts you are not under an obligation to thank your Dad for them. The kids are old enough to send a text if they want to thank him. The gifts were sent to your sons-not to you. The reason you haven't received anything from him is likely to be because you have told him you don't want anything. I would pause for a minute to ask yourself what you really want here. The previous two posters are talking about grandfathers/fathers who don't want to see the kids by choice but this doesn't seem to be the same situation. Perhaps the boys are not the priority you would like them to be for him but it seems he has some interest in them.

Sorry, as I said about timeforteas post, I stood my ground over his behaviour and he then cut me off. I was adamant that after years of him putting a succession of women in the role of 'stepmother' to me I wasn't letting it happen this time. Every time he has a new relationship we are expected to welcome her into the family with open arms and immediately make her part of the family. These women are strangers to me but he'll put their feelings before mine. It's ben going on years - I had no choice when I was a kid, as an adult I don't have to go along with it.

I think it's ok, as long as there is no expectation to meet and say thank you/collect them etc.

I have relatives my kids don't see who send a fiver. Frankly, it's a token gesture and the boys deserve it, given they have NC with him.

Sorry- when you said "I finally decided that I was no longer going to put up with the emotional abuse" it gave me the impression that you were the one to cut contact. If he cut you off it puts things in a different perspective. From reading all your posts it still wasn't clear to me which of you had decided enough was enough.