Hi there. Erm I don't know how to start this but anyhooo.
I'm a 22yr old mother, to a lovely daughter of 2. She's beautiful, smart and i just love her to bits. I live with her father, my partner of almost 5 years.
He's 34yrs old, so much older than me and so you would think he has sense/mature lol. He does, but he's kind of a kid in the head.
Well, lately i've been feeling depressed because i've had to quit my job to "fulfil duties at home". Looking for nursery for my daughter and my partner has had to suddenly do so much "overtime" that means he can't be at home to help either.
I've had to grow up fast. I constantly get this nagging voice in my head reminding me that i'm missing out on my years. High school friends have all drifted their course in life, going holidays, enjoying themselves while I'm stuck with a man I'm falling out of love with and wasting my life sitting at home being lazy and just not moving forward in terms of actual progress. ( i feel anyway)
Well today i decided to message here because i am lonely. And want to hope that my thoughts aren't stupid. Want some mature and good advice too. Anyone been through similar:
The beginning of our relationship was nice. He was my first and he knew it. He is the kind of guy that used to sell drugs, been homeless, rough childhood. Indian asian family that neglected him so he dealt in the streets. He always tells me the reason why he isn't anywhere in life is because of his father. Anyway, our relationship wasn't so fancy. he's never bothered to take me for dinner. NOT ONCE! I mean we've eaten out. But never a romantic gesture. He was never that romantic in the beginning i guess but still.
Went central london (oxford street) with him couple of times... never again. Too embarrassing. The hustle and bustle of crowded streets grinds his gears. he'd pick on old ladies if they merely brush his ankle or anything. He's had outbursts in public before i just avoid going anywhere with him as much as possible now. He's anger issues are unbearable.
He's anger isn't a daily thing. I would say I'm more moodier than him. But he has beaten me up in the past. to the point where i've had to cover with makeup for work. id make excuses for him and saying i guess i started it. I slap him, He thinks its okay to pull my hair, slam me against corners of tables/sofas. put his weight on me till I'm choking.
He's done this about 4/5 times in the past and the first he promised never to touch me again. I said i would leave him. But. He didn't keep his word.
Sex: Sex is boring for me. Don't get me wrong, i LOVE HIM. but i rarely cum anymore. If i do, i have to really force it.. ya know - make the motions more rough...stimulant. He never gives me foreplay. Rarely touches me down there either. Just slips it in and we resume our typical sex positions. Predicable too. So about a 2 years ago i told myself to stop giving him any oral sex. If he doesn't play me. I don't play him. But he seems cool with that. Which makes me more mad. And when we argue and I tell him about our sex life. He says he will be more ya know. But he never changes.iM NOT ASKING FOR MUCH but i am your GF/OR best friend/wife like he says i am :/ whatever.
As a father: He loves his daughter obviously. Can't fault him there. He truly does, loves her to bits. He would do anything for her.
As a man/partner he really is emotionally unavailable. We can cuddle, play around sometimes. But relationship wise, he's no romantic.
He irritates me more and more. I feel hate for him now. Our arguments become more more petty and pointless.
We are not the team i wish we were to move forward together in life. I have to deal with things myself.
I want to finish my driving. told his to do his. He can drive. bUT LOST HIS LICENSE years ago. So i say re-do your tests. but he'd rather do mine. promises anyway.
He smokes weed. Loves it actually. He would spend most of his wages on it. After helping me with the bills of course. I want to quit smoking tobacco and weed. i STRUGGLE with it everyday. He knows this.
But yesterday. E.g
brought home 5 packs of Mayfair. ( That he stole) from work. i TOLD him to give to his friends.
Like I'm not trying to blame everything on him. but i really feel like his holding back in life.
I have goals and dreams.
He thinks his time has passed.
I want a healthier lifestyle/relationship with him.
He wants to smoke till his old. Wants to grow in my house too. Which he did once already. Regretted that. Told him never again.
We HAVE A CHILD. i am not going to lose my daughter over him or his bullshit. He doesn't seem to understand.
And because of our age difference. I believe he doesn't take me seriously either. like when i talk to him. good advice. Its like talking to LIMESTONE.
my ADVICE for the both of us....just trickles, slides off him. he doesn't listen. Will never change for anyone.
He disrespects my family too. So much more. Buts thats for next time.
NEED advice.
What should i do?
What are your opinion on our relationship?