Lost!

[vonny81]

Hi, I'm looking for some good words/advice to shake some sense into me. I know it's no good for me but I'm stuck in a rut, daily cycle of waking up and just wanting to cry, by bedtime I will feel stronger and then it starts all over again.

Sorry if this ends up an essay but here is my situation.
I met my boys dad and everything seems brilliant, he was serious wanted a family etc and was so nice after being messed around by little boys.
I used to spend weekends with him at his area and at his parents 9.5/10 weekends. We all got on brill I was like a daughter.
Anyway I moved there 45mins away - got pregnant and once baby arrived the visitors were driving me a bit mad, I just wanted to be left alone, I though stuck with it ride it out. Until OHs half sister came with her kids, coughing to the point the 12yo was being sick into his hands. It just tipped me over the edge, why did she bring him like that. Oh refused to address her he said they would end up falling out n not speaking again. The next week the sister was coughing her head off and saying how she never felt so rough. My baby was 4 days and 10 days old at these visits.... Me and baby caught it.. I put a post on Facebook asking people not to come if they were ill because Oh and his parents refused to speak to her themselves as it would offend her.
Well it led to all his family being against me, saying I was mentally ill etc. I started having panic attacks at thought of having to visit them, and Oh was forcing me into it or he was dumping me, so I ended up giving in, doing what he wanted and we would still end up arguing anyway. He would take baby off me, lock me in room on my own, hitting walls, giving me ultimatums etc. I couldn't always tell if it was his parents or him that was instigating it.
Well anyway it's all come to a head now his dad has been caught doing benefit fraud. And its all my fault, I've ruined their lives, his dad always plays the cancer and illness card. Had throat cancer and carried on smoking cigars so he got it back!
I lack any empathy and sympathy just because of all the suffering caused by them and their son so that doesn't come across as good as an outsider!

So he dumped me by text 26/10 and he is demanding to have our son. He's threatened so many times to snatch him and take him from nursery, nursery must think I'm a nervous wreck! I can't stop him taking him. I've lost my job because of this. I live in a town where I basically know noone, feel like anything I do I'll be watched.

But the most stupid thing of all I miss and love him so much! It hurts so bad, I feel like a lovesick teenager. Loads more has gone off in between which I have cut out to shorten my post. His parents kicked me and baby out when he was 6 months old we had to live with them a while. OH still took their side!
What do I do!??

He would take baby off me, lock me in room on my own, hitting walls

You need to file a report with the police for domestic violence and look into how you can safeguard your child. Women's Aid will help you:- www.womensaid.org.uk/

Your ex and his family are abusive and you know this deep down. There is nothing normal or OK about locking you up and hitting walls. You might love him and miss him but you owe it to your child to keep him safe, and keeping him safe means keeping him away from this toxic family. You will get other chances at relationships, but he won't get another childhood.

You need practical support urgently, though - get in touch with Women's Aid. If you have friends and family elsewhere, now is the time to tell them the whole story. They will be on your side and help you and want you to be safe. And tell nursery about the abuse and threats today. They have safeguarding policies for exactly these situations.

I ended up calling the police about 5 times in total I was referred to a domestic abuse worker but she signed me off when we started going to relationship counselling. Police have never done anything as he didn't smash my face or house in. It's so hard to prove, he told me to go to the doctors and say I was mental. So this is my only hope of getting legal aid!

Thank you, I registered with women's aid in March, I have just started counselling I've had 2 sessions and I do feel slightly better.
I missed out an important part too - I had a letter off his solicitor last week he is taking me to court for access.
Part of my panic is that courts don't believe me and think it's all a childish argument, and grant him access unsupervised :(
I have offered him plenty of visits and meetings in public places to see our boy, he could take him to their house and police have no duty to remove him unless they think he's being harmed!
Hes sharing stupid pics on Facebook about father's rights etc and fighting to see his child! 4 days after he dumped me!

If you have gone to the Police and WA then there is proof of his behavior. It's another abuse tactic.
Remove him off Facebook. He can contact you in other ways regarding the baby.
You need to find your fight, OP. Everything he's doing is to cripple you. Mentally, physically and emotionally. This is not you. You have done nothing wrong. I know it's hard but you can and will overcome this.

He removed me on Facebook months ago and blocked me, I only know about the posts from a friend.
It's so hard he's in my brain big time, all these doubts are what he has put there,
It's so hard I'm isolated from everything, my old life, I don't have many friends left as I was always made to feel guilty to see any of them.
I'm debating whether to take my lb to butlins for 3 nights for Xmas. I've always enjoyed going with my nieces,and my lb absolutely thrives on it, we went twice this year already. I kids want to give myself a challenge but I don't know of its too much. I've got to contend going as a single mum on my own with my boy He's 21 months now, also the memories we have there I don't know if they will play on me too much.
My brain says go and make our own memories and let my boy enjoy himself, but my heart is thinking, ahh we did this and we did that, we stood there for a photo and me ending up looking like a freak breaking down in public!

Do it! Sounds like you deserve it! Also can you move back to your home area?

my heart is thinking, ahh we did this and we did that, we stood there for a photo
You need to focus on your son. Grieve yes, but actively make a target. So, today and tomorrow, take some time for your self. Watch all those nasty, blubby chick flicks with large volumes of chocolate ect. Friday is D day.
You get up early, wash, dress. Call WA and get some advice on the new occurrences, You get onto a solicitor and try to find one of those free 1 hour consultations (This allows you to know where you stand legally), then you start looking at either moving closer to your family OR a new job.
Then you take the weekend to spend time with your son and make new memories. Take him to visit Santa, decorate your tree.
Monday, you get back at it. Take pride and joy from the little success and achievements. With the new year will come and new upbeat you.

I'm applying to the council to get moved back, just have all my ID to send to them, it would be a big weight off to not feel like I'm on his radar

You are right I really need to get this loser out of my head, I don't know why I think I need him so much!

I don't know why I think I need him so much!

It's habit, or dependency, or the fact that he's done a proper number on you... Your feelings are completely normal - they don't mean you want him back.

I think you might be on to something there. When I think logically O don't need him for anything, maybe a bit of companionship

Unfortunately it's the joys of an EA relationship. They make you doubt everything so they are your reassurance, they are right, they know best. Everything is your fault, your mental, you can't be trusted, you're wrong ect When you come out of one you still look for that. You kinda become trained too. It's sad but does get better and is completely normal to feel like this post break up.
You can do this, OP. You got it.

maybe a bit of companionship

Well yes - who doesn't like a companion? The good news is that virtually anyone but him will make a much much much better friend :)

Aww thank you everyone you have definitely helped to give me a kick up the bum. He's trained me well, I'm having arguments with myself in my head on his behalf!

Just been text arguing........
he said "u will b so gke (single) dear no one else will want a controlling jealous possessive person no one will stick half aslong as I did"
So in return I said "I'm gonna be lonely all my life, stuck in this house crying over you"
To which he said "OMG u twist everything just go away uve git everything u got house every thing in it even tho I paid half uve git our son just b happy n do 1"

I've been reading a book, and these ridiculous statements from him are just text book of abuse! I know this, my brain knows this yet ill wake up tomorrow crying again!

No you wont because you're going to be so busy that you won't have time. You are too busy to talk to him UNLESS it's to do with his son. Don't rise to his bait. He wants you miserable and alone.
You need to find your inner unobtainable girl. The one with fight, spirit and laughter. You won't be alone forever. Nobody is. He wants you to think that. He wants you to feel like the worst thing in world because it makes him feel good.
But not today, no more. For one thing you will never be alone. You have your son. As for a DP, it will come when you have healed and recovered from this twonk.

Please don't give your baby to him
Please don't underestimate the courts and their knowledge of controlling men (and woman)
Please go and find new friends, you just sound lonely hun :-(
Please understand you don't need him or his horrible family
And Most important, Please don't give him access until the courts have put it in writing what he must and mustn't do. Sounds like he knows your vulnerable and trying to play on it. His family sound awful, its no surprise though if he is rotton then he was brought up by rotton people. You don't want your son growing up like them.

You're doing lots of good stuff to keep you and your boy safe. It is really tough but you are on the right track and need to keep going and stay strong.

You must stop texting him, though. No point in moving far away if you opt in to phone contact like that. You are gifting him power when you allow any contact and he is using it to chip away at all the good work you've done to get free. Get good at ignoring his texts. Save them as screenshots in case you need it as proof of EA for court later and then delete them. Stay busy and build up support wherever you can find it.

Agree with PP - you need to crack the loneliness issue. Being honest about your circumstances with friends will help you here and you will find others in the same boat. Get strong together.

Tenish thank you, I think it helps just hearing that and making myself believe it after someone has got into your head and u start to believe all the stuff they tell you. I feel like noone will believe me if that makes sense. The relationship counsellor said I speak defensively and I have to explain myself for everything and make excuses for things I think or say or do.
I've got a major fire burning for what I know is right, I'm just really worried the court will see it as us squabbling children. I have done a voice recording of one of his episodes, could just feel it building into something bad, he ended up strangling me threatened me with a great big foot stool and said he was going to kill me. It's all on the recording, but when I listen back I feel so embarrassed and ashamed of how I was at the time I was scared to death I was panicking like mad and breathing like I was in labour!!
The counsellor told me the recordings will just show I'm hostile and not be favourable to me. Which I can understand to a degree but surely it's a reflection of his personality and temper etc?

Stef I could hug and kiss you. Everything you have said is exactly how I think, I have said some of these things to him and he says it shows how nasty I am and he's showing his solicitor my texts etc.
I was worried about me refusing to hand him over and how it looks in court, but I've offered him supervised access, I had free solicitor advice and told me to tell him to use a contact centre. Cos when I was meeting him, he was using it as an excuse to gloat telling me how happy his life is he goes out when he wants now and goes to gym and he's getting a beach bod etc. All is an attempt to make me feel bad about myself. When in fact I've been dieting and lost a stone I didn't bite to his game and I'd rather keep it to myself than making it a competition.
I'm so scared of them warping my son into their weird world, his parents have made him like it, he's like he's joined onto them and I'm just a surrogate to him.
His grandparents have a history of nervous breakdowns (MIL) Then FIL has had alcoholism, which was being seen by a counsellor for, and then depression, attempts, ( for attemtion) at cutting his wrist because of me! I've seen worse cat scratches... There will be evidence of all except the cutting of wrists, not sure if he disclosed that information or not

Thankyou alley, I go through stages of being able to resist texting for a whole and then whatight start as innocent conversations with him ends up a riot!

I've just had my post delivered, court papers!
And surprisingly (not) he has lied all over them, says I've stopped all contact, lied about the date we split, said the 25th not 26th! All of it can be backed up on texts

I never delete any texts so I can always go back on them for proof

Ahh and I've also taken the plunge and booked butlins! I'm actually really excited now :)

I know this doesn't seem plausible, but he is weaker than you. He has to hold onto his parents and feels the need to belittle you just to feel some power himself.

Do your hair girl, do your makeup, go our with friends (and on your holiday- please don't tell him where and when your going) and look amazing. Don't make eye contact with him and just smile when he throws all this verbal info at you (he is trying to get you to give information back about what your up to) once he sees your stronger he will crumble. Your better off blocking his calls, his parents calls, go through the solicitor. If he has to contact you through someone else and knows theres no other way then he cant be a prick because they will see what he is up to. Demand all correspondence between you two to be by letter so he knows you never want to see his horrible, bullying face again. Please don't let your lovely little boy end up like him babe. xxx

Aww thank you stef :) I just wonder what on earth will he do when they've popped their cloggs!?
I've had his calls and texts and his mum and dad blocked for ages. My only weakness is his texts still come through and are just sat in a separate inbox on my phone! But I've hardly checked it today. Blocked on what'sapp, Facebook... I've actually been out today Xmas present shopping and bought myself 2 gorgeous tops from next and I'm so looking forward to going and having fun.
He's called the housing association and told them I'm planning on not paying the rent so I can get evicted and move back home! The actual truth is the council have messed my housing benefit up and I asked him to pay some rent, he has refused to remove his name since March cos he insists he's either taking the house off me or he will have it when I move out!

I got home from my shopping trip and he's posted a Christmas card through for our 21 month old son..... He's written inside it "Merry Christmas, daddy loves you loads and loads, more than life itself, lots of love and kisses, daddy xxx"
It is a perfect example of his emotional abuse and behaviour!
Oh and nothing received from the doting grandparents!

Xx