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Original poster

What do you do for fun at 40s?

27 replies

user1470584717 · 14/12/2016 09:03

My marriage is dying, beause my husband don't find excitment from it anymore (sex still good). We have 3 children but no childcare so always with children. What do others do to spice up their relationship or how do you keep loving each other?

OP posts:
Cricrichan · 14/12/2016 09:16

Have friends over for a few drinks, takeaway or a party. Start doing reciprocal babysitting with friends, so you'll babysit theirs some of the time and vice versa.

Do date nights at home where the TV is off and play board games etc. Learn a new skill together - photography , language etc. If you can get childcare pick up a sport like badminton you can do together.

Original poster
user1470584717 · 14/12/2016 09:22

I dont really have friends (or friends enough to look after my kids) unfortunately, looks like I am failing. :(

Do you all party to keep relationship going?

OP posts:
Cricrichan · 14/12/2016 09:25

No. When the kids were too young to be easily left, we did a lot of socialising in each other's houses. Now we either get babysitters or take the kids with us.

It's more about having fun together or doing interesting stuff together that isn't about the kids or chores etc.

Windsorian · 14/12/2016 09:38

Hello user1470584717,

we are in the exact same situation, with regards to children always being with us.
we schedule date nights and watch something fun on the tv ( we like stand up comedians) and I buy some nice wine and nibbles to go with it or try a new board game.
or else occasionally we go out for the day while kids are at school, we take leave on the same day and spend the day out. if we're going somewhere a bit further then we book breakfast club for the children and we schedule the outing on day when both children have after school clubs so it gives us a little bit more time.

i hope this helps.

shinynewusername · 14/12/2016 09:43

Don't just focus on doing things together. Each of you having hobbies and interests outside the home will help keep the relationship alive. Can you take it in turns to have an evening off each week?

Happybunny19 · 14/12/2016 09:52

We don't have easily available childcare for our 3dcs either, but we make time for each other every evening and have date nights at home with a nice meal and chat. M&S meal deals are my favourite as I can have a really good meal without being stuck in the kitchen.

Since the birth of our third earlier this year we've both made a lot more time for each other and concentrate on being a couple, as opposed to parents. It's done wonders for our sex life and I think we're closer than ever. This also has a positive effect on parenting as a team. I flirt with him again, like the beginning of our relationship and try to treat him as I did then, rather than nag and moan about boring house stuff.

We've been together for over two decades, so it's possible to get the spark back after a long time together.

Do you think you could recreate some of the excitement of the beginning? Reminisce about meeting, first kiss, how you felt about each other? Or visit some of the places you went on dates back then.

farfarawayfromhome · 14/12/2016 10:22

we don't have a connected tv - we prefer music - each night when DD is in bed we sit together and catch up on the day/week. read the newspaper, listen to music.

we do have childcare which is a winner - we go out once a week together alone and love it. have regular weekends away with the kids.

what i would also say that time apart also saves our marriage. we go out once a week each, separately, we have holidays alone.....it makes us better people when we are back together..

Original poster
user1470584717 · 14/12/2016 10:49

Unfortunately a romantic meal in or out doesn't really excite him. He actually want me to attend swingers group which I am too scared of. I think we probably shouldn't be together right from the start.

He cheated on me for a younger woman who although have a child but managed to go out frequently. He saids she make him feel young again (he is 44) because they can go out and have fun together (club, pubs, concerts etc) - of course I am the only who stay at home to look after the kids while he has fun! I dont drink, he and she does.

Sounds like a losing battle!

OP posts:
Original poster
user1470584717 · 14/12/2016 10:50

shinynewusername, he does have hobbies, just doesn't seem to be enough for him.

OP posts:
PinkiePiesCupcakes · 14/12/2016 10:53

beause my husband don't find excitment from it anymore

Its not that the excitement has gone, it's because of this:
He actually want me to attend swingers group

It sounds like hes got obsessed with joinging some sex party group and now everything to him is going to be dull or moaned about until you give in and agree to go to something you don't want to go too.

It sounds, imo, that he is trying to train you by being a knob end until he gets his own way.

If you dont want to go then tell him, in no uncertain terms,
"I will not go to a swingers club now, or in the future, if you don't like it, you are welcome to leave"

ElspethFlashman · 14/12/2016 10:58

Sounds like you're the only one who wants to save the marriage tbh.

ElspethFlashman · 14/12/2016 10:59

This is not a bloke who has any intention of being faithful.

His suggestion of a swingers group is so he can have an extra marital fuck without getting in trouble like the last time.

TheNaze73 · 14/12/2016 11:04

He sounds bored of the current situation & is trying to legitimise fucking other people by suggesting swinging.
It may work for some but, I'd never do anything that made me uncomfortable to please someone else.
It sounds like you're fighting a losing battle here & deserve much more.

Happybunny19 · 14/12/2016 11:55

Jesus, I thought you meant it's lost the usual excitement, not he's blatantly shagging elsewhere and trying to legitimize it. What an arsehole for suggesting you go swinging. This might work for some couples who are BOTH keen, although I question if it really works in a loving, committed relationship.

Do not agree to anything you are not equally keen to try and if he's currently playing away with this younger woman chuck the cheating shit out.

Urgh, he just made my skin crawl.

Lweji · 14/12/2016 11:57

In your case, get rid of the twat? Then you can have lots of fun.

Original poster
user1470584717 · 14/12/2016 14:54

I just dont really know what to do to save the marriage! Kids love him and we are financially dependent on him.

I dont have a lot of friends, everything we do always with kids, he finds life very boring, I just don't know what to do, I can't leave because I can afford to!

What do you guys do to keep marriage "a live"? Am I the only one who don't go partying?

OP posts:
Original poster
user1470584717 · 14/12/2016 14:56

P.S. He doesn't make me go swinging but it does excite him with the idea, I must admit it does arouse me too but no way I can do it.

OP posts:
ElspethFlashman · 14/12/2016 14:58

No we don't go partying, nobody can with kids. And it takes two to save a marriage - you can't do it solo.

You may be able to afford it btw, go onto entitledto.co.uk. You May be pleasantly surprised.

PickAChew · 14/12/2016 15:00

I was going to ask what he's doing to make it more exciting, but it seems that his answer is to sleep with other women.

You don't have to accept this and you certainly don't have to bend over backwards to try and make it exciting in other ways. If he's decided going to sleep with other women, he'll do it regardless.

Manumission · 14/12/2016 15:00

Work out how to improve your financial situation.

If you had greater earning power would you even be discussing this? He's a worm.

Lweji · 14/12/2016 15:01

I can't leave because I can afford to

And he knows it.

Honestly, I think women should always be prepared to leave a marriage.
Get proper advice in terms of what you'd be able to get should you split. In terms of spousal maintenance (or settlement), right to live at home until the children are adults, tax credits and benefits, child maintenance.
I think you'll find that you can afford to send him packing if you want to.

Then you go back to him and tell him that he can work at the marriage with you properly or leave. I suspect he'll find marriage exciting again.

PickAChew · 14/12/2016 15:01

And nope, no partying here. Too bloody busy and tired for that malarkey.

Bluntness100 · 14/12/2016 15:09

I am not sure if your definition of "party" and everyone else's is the same here. To be honest. We party, as in friends round, going to friends houses, weekends away, drinking too much, doing fun things, but we don't "party" as in going to swinging clubs or shag other people. We simply socialise.

I'm not sure what you're actually asking, but it seems more like you're asking about how to spice up you sex life and if other people swing, than if your asking about fun social things to do together. Maybe need to be clear.

Happybunny19 · 14/12/2016 16:01

No we don't party, we're in our forties with three small kids, we did all our partying before settling down to have a family. Your husband sounds like a self centered knob head that needs to grow up. As pp have said check what you're entitled to, get advice from cab and leave. He has no respect for you at all.

Original poster
user1470584717 · 14/12/2016 16:02

Thanks for all your replies, I don't even know what he wants? He commented the woman who he now in love with goes out in the evenings to drink and concerts etc which makes him feel young again.

My husband goes to gym and occasional drink every week while I take care of children. He also goes canoeing at the weekends. He seems to think that I should go out and have fun too? Doesn't he understand kids needs to be looked after?

I try really hard not to be emotional. Children come first but it's so hard to live with someone who treat me like a maid/nanny who clean, cook and provide sex while he goes out and have fun with another woman.

If he moves out, there will be 2 sets of bills to pay, at least extra 1k a month. I just worry children will suffer because of this :(

I will look into entitledto.co.uk and spousal maintenance etc, I tried so hard to make this marriage work, unfortunately this is going to be a losing battle. :( I feel so sad for the children who love Daddy.

OP posts:
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